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Open Poetry #38
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Jack Straw
Member
since 2006-03-02
Posts 70


0 posted 2006-06-13 09:11 PM


It's been a little while since I posted one here...
so heres my latest one.

Lightning flashes before my eyes
Whipping out of the night
Splitting a tree in half

destroying the treetop home
Of a family of finches
Without any insurance,

Baby birds crying in the dark
Mother distraught over the wreck
A family made homeless this night.

Luckily at dawn tomorrow,
they'll move in next door with the robins
To the neighboring pine tree

They don’t need insurance
I wish humans didn’t either.
--
Don't like the title much, this one is incomplete I'm going to expand, tell a human story, end it sadly, then tell the story of the finches, ending it happily

© Copyright 2006 Jack Straw - All Rights Reserved
Magnus
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Member Laureate
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA
1 posted 2006-06-13 09:31 PM


Nothing wrong with a revision or two...
won't be the first time, that is for sure.
Good luck on it.

Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
2 posted 2006-06-13 10:02 PM


Smiling here, as I love this kind of writing, both subject and style. Whatever you may call it, Natures Laws or Quirks? the dynamic forces that prevail are humbling. I look forward to the expanded version.
Lighthousebob
Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725
California
3 posted 2006-06-13 10:17 PM


Smiles... Perhaps a little bird gave us a message as it seems us humans have indeed learned a little something from the robins here in your poem because during Hurricane Katrina humans were most cordial and abiding to their neighbors...  Perhaps???

Enjoyed reading.

-Bob

Jack Straw
Member
since 2006-03-02
Posts 70

4 posted 2006-06-13 11:06 PM


thanks for the comments magnus, midnitesun and bob =)
OwlSA
Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347
Durban, South Africa
5 posted 2006-06-15 01:05 PM


Glad the finches one will end happily.

- Owl

XOx Uriah xOX
Senior Member
since 2006-02-11
Posts 1403
Virginia
6 posted 2006-06-15 01:11 PM


The song remains the same.  The tune hummed by the "Powers that Be" never missed a beat.
:: smiles ::

Jack Straw
Member
since 2006-03-02
Posts 70

7 posted 2006-06-16 01:51 PM


thanks for the comments,

I'm working on the revised version... it's coming along nicely, I'll post it once it is done.

Bonnie j
Senior Member
since 2003-06-27
Posts 1588
Ohio
8 posted 2006-06-18 02:26 PM


Reminds me of last summer. The Robins built their nest on the very tip of the Magnolia branch.I knew if a high wind came along the nest would be scattered all over the yard.
Inside the nest the babes crying for food.
A storm in the brewing. I sit inside worrying over the nest of babies.Sure enough the winds begin to howl. I look out the window the nest on the ground and the babies also fallen.I run out the door and grab a flower pot. Fill with the old nesting and soil. Pick the babies up and place them in the shelter of the evergreen. Shortly after mom and dad find the babies and begin to feed.By morning they had moved into another home, but the babies did learn to fly in my yard. Which brought a smile to my heart and lips. This year I had babies of all kinds in my yard learning to fly, to my laughter and a wild bunny that stayed all winter and is still lounging in my yard. I call it my Garden of Serenity.
Good poem.
Hugs BonBon

Jack Straw
Member
since 2006-03-02
Posts 70

9 posted 2006-06-19 01:30 PM


heartwarming story Bonnie =)  sounds like a fulfilling experience...

here's version two:

(I almost like version one better.. less of a story and less focus on humans)

I

John Smith was a wonderful man
he gave to America, all he had
Weeks before he could be seen
laughing in glee with a drink in his hand
Heading to work suit and tie
a wonderful man, trying to get by
Alas his business thought him expendable
it was time to make cuts
(before they move to Mexico)
He entered the boss' office with a smile
His boss had a smile of a different calibre
Saying, "John, it's time to move on...
we're letting you go, now be gone."
John shook his head, welled up with tears.
Started home, he stopped for a beer
Sharing his woes with uncaring folk
their advice being; look for new work.
in time he could not pay his bills
he lost his house, his heart now filled
with despair, grief, and contempt for all those
lucky men not found in the ghettos
his home now an alley, his friends now hobos
his luxury a can with a fire to warm
a cold life, lost and forlorn.
he wished himself gone.
from the life he once loved.

II

Lightning flashes,
Whipping out of the night.
Splitting a tree in half

destroying the treetop home
Of a family of finches
trying only to live,

Baby birds crying in the dark
Mother distraught over the wreck
A family made homeless this night.

Luckily at dawn tomorrow,
they'll move in next door with the robins
To the neighboring pine tree

Creatures absent of greed it seems,
fairer lives can be found
Among an undeclared kingdom of life.

A man named John observed all this
from a nearby alley, warming his hands
He wished himself there, in a bird's place

Tears crept down John's cold face
as he saw Mother Finch
share the bundle of worms she'd caught
with Papa Robin and his children
John hadn't eaten in days.

Bonnie j
Senior Member
since 2003-06-27
Posts 1588
Ohio
10 posted 2006-06-19 04:22 PM


Oh!No!
We cannot leave John Smith in the cold
His loins filled with hunger and dispair
No hope for the future
No joy of the past
We must give John Smith a hand
A hand filled with hope
A hand that will caress if furrowed brow
A hand that will give him his fill from the nectar of the vine
Oh! No!
We must not leave John Smith in the cold.

HeeHee just had the urge to do this.
I think I like the first one also. The love that is in the animal kingdom should be a lesson to man. But! Alas! He does not take notice and does not learn.

See Ya BonBon


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