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Open Poetry #37
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Jack Straw
Member
since 2006-03-02
Posts 70


0 posted 2006-04-10 06:01 PM


Here comes sunshine she comes my way
Bringing her stunning translucent rays
Always seeming to set me in a daze.
When she sends her love my way

Elation by the wonderful grace
Tracing the outlines of her face
Heavenly touch, Divine embrace
Joy I shall forever chase

Love smiles and lust laughs
Playful tones seem to splash
Around her and I they seem to crash
Transfixed by her eye and lash

Sunshine what a delight
To envelope myself inside her light
Never ever feeling fright
Until she leaves me with the night.
-------

could someone tell me if this feels incomplete I almost feel like it needs another stanza.

[This message has been edited by Jack Straw (04-11-2006 06:25 PM).]

© Copyright 2006 Jack Straw - All Rights Reserved
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
1 posted 2006-04-10 06:55 PM


Sure seems complete to me, Jack...and very tenderly loving!!
passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
2 posted 2006-04-10 07:31 PM


seems complete to me too...the way it ended with the night...I like it
miscellanea
Member Elite
since 2004-06-24
Posts 4060
OH
3 posted 2006-04-10 08:54 PM


A pleasure to read, Jack.  It seemed complete to me, and I feel sure that whomever it was written about will feel most complete!  Nice job!

miscellanea

Enchantress
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since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
4 posted 2006-04-10 09:09 PM


Excellent Jack...
Much enjoyed the read.
Hugs~Nancy

~ Trace my body with your words,
  in doing so, you touch my heart ~

Jack Straw
Member
since 2006-03-02
Posts 70

5 posted 2006-04-10 09:43 PM


haha thanks guys and gals, I'll leave it as is then.  Ya, I saw a picture of this lifelong friend and the way the lighting hit it looked like she had an aura around her or something... I got the idea for the 1st line from that.  I don't think I'm gonna show her this poem though, she'll think I harbor feelings of love towards her... and I can't say that I don't to an extent.  maybe when the time is right.

[This message has been edited by Jack Straw (04-11-2006 06:25 PM).]

iliana
Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434
USA
6 posted 2006-04-11 12:05 PM


I hear music with this one....I really do.  Left me feeling much lighter.   ...jo
The Lady
Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634
The Southwest
7 posted 2006-04-11 12:50 PM




It seems finished to me Jack, and well written. I am sure the lady in question will love it... when the time is right.


Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
8 posted 2006-04-15 09:54 PM


Dear Jack,

I am sure that Your Sunshine will appreciate this very much...

I hope you send this to her, to let her know.

I know that it made me smile...

so I feel sure she will give you a smile even larger than mine!


Jack Straw
Member
since 2006-03-02
Posts 70

9 posted 2006-04-18 10:29 AM


I hope so sunshine, but the thing is I have a weird outlook on relationships.  I don't necessarily want one while I'm in high school.  When I look around at my peers who have girlfriends and boyfriends I can taste, feel, hear, and see the drama that goes on day in and day out.  Anyway I will show this to her but not for awhile, next year probably when we are seniors and a bit older.  Either next year or whenever the time seems right.. I know it by heart, the poem.
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