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Open Poetry #37
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El_Campeador
Senior Member
since 2003-01-29
Posts 761
Ohio, USA

0 posted 2006-04-04 04:57 PM


I mostly write structured verse, but every once in a while I try my hand at free verse. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated...

Trivial Pursuits

I spend my life like the child
Throwing pennies in the fountain
Wishing…

I could live in a castle
Built on clouds…
And change the world
With magic?
And build a monument
That could last forever
A trifling block of stone…

But if I wake
I could spend my life like the widow
Giving what I have,
Acting…

I could build a castle
We are living stones…
And serve the world
With love!
And leave a monument
That will last forever
The hearts of those I touched…


[This message has been edited by El_Campeador (04-04-2006 10:25 PM).]

© Copyright 2006 Benjamin Graber - All Rights Reserved
The Lady
Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634
The Southwest
1 posted 2006-04-04 05:02 PM




"I could live in a castle
Built on clouds…
And change the world
With magic?
And build a monument
That could last forever
A trifling block of stone…"

I have a thought valiant one... try free verse more often. You are excellent at it.

Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
2 posted 2006-04-04 05:07 PM


I like this...
yes, very much indeed.
You should perhaps try free verse more often.
Hugs~Nancy

~ Trace my body with your words,
  in doing so, you touch my heart ~

Klassy Lassy
Member Elite
since 2005-06-28
Posts 2187
Oregon
3 posted 2006-04-04 09:33 PM


Hi, I like your free verse very much.  The format is good and the content is endearing, trivial pursuits which many more of us could pursue, as well!  


You may wish to to find a way to write lines without using the conjunctions 'and' or 'but' at the beginning of a sentence.  
Other than that, I think you did a great job!

~ Klassy

El_Campeador
Senior Member
since 2003-01-29
Posts 761
Ohio, USA
4 posted 2006-04-04 10:25 PM


Thank you all for the input. You are very encouraging.

“We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best that we can find in our travels is an honest friend.” –Robert Louis Stevenson

El_Campeador
Senior Member
since 2003-01-29
Posts 761
Ohio, USA
5 posted 2006-04-04 10:26 PM


Klassy, you are right that there are too many "Ands" in this poem. I'll have to avoid that next time.

Ben

“We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best that we can find in our travels is an honest friend.” –Robert Louis Stevenson

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