I Paid 25 Cents For My First Kiss At A Kissing Booth And All I Got Was Mono

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Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

0 posted 2006-03-06 07:29 PM

(Here's a new song I wrote inspired by a friend's recent recovery from mono! I hope you enjoy this lil' epic! (giggles) )

I Paid 25 Cents For My First Kiss At A Kissing Booth And All I Got Was This Bad Case Of Mono
By: Noah Eaton
3/5/06

I was a hopeless romantic,
untying giraffes from telephone poles in Vermont,
the Saint Johnsbury Caledonian,
knighted me the L’enfant of Croissants,
sugarcoating me with a pinch of nonchalance.
I hosted public baths every Saturday night,
in the pond down in Hubbard Park,
I went to Ben & Jerry’s,
created the flavor Contrary Canary,
served with maraschino cherries and cinnamon bark.

Yet something was missing,
something was missing from my life,
my lips were as dry as the Atacama,
chapped with a dust bowl’s strife,
and so I thought over this dilemma,
and then I knew just what to do,
I bought the local lemonade stand drive-through,
and turned it into a drive-through kissing booth.

And so I balmed my lips with vaseline,
olive oil, beeswax and peppermint,
I was prepared to break my kiss-less streak,
I was not about to squint,
a Buddhist monk came to visit,
he offered me peach blossoms for good luck,
I was shaking like a freshman in culinary school,
but I had as much pluck as a pastry truck.

Then suddenly I see cruising down Berlin Street,
in a green Stiletto built from a 1960’s Corvair,
some eager customer making a sharp turn toward me,
I swear I was in a castle in the air,
she said her name was Regina Toscanini,
a Latvian foreign exchange student,
a runner-up World Parcheesi champion,
with a face I could read as animated yet prudent.

So I paid her a quarter and then she leaned forward,
and I felt her lips make the sweet stinging caress,
and then by the time I opened my eyes,
she was gone before I could have the feeling assessed,
oh yeah, I was sure flying high that afternoon,
leaping as high as a kangaroo on Boxing Day,
I felt as though I was skipping down the Appian Way,
Or making the step of the cat in the corps de ballet.

But a month and a half later, I began feeling strange,
I could have sworn I caught the flu,
yet no one at work was under the weather,
and it was the last day of June,
but, oh, how my head was aching,
and my temperature peaked up to 103,
and my throat was all tied up in a knot,
Oh, dear Lord, have mercy on me!

Then I felt, “Malarkey, this is just one of those common colds,
I’m gonna chase it right down to Chinatown,
just a lil’ pomegranate juice and Echinacea milkshake,
will drop that hammer down,
then I headed to Cheung Wai Tak’s acupuncture clinic,
unleashing the qi through all twenty pathways of my body,
wore fourteen wreaths of nutmeg around my neck,
and summoned a witch doctor,
to chant the 109th and 119th psalms incessantly.

Yeah, I felt as though I was winning this cage match,
I felt I got that sickness tangled in a dusty finish,
but suddenly I swear the referee came in with a folding chair,
and threw quite an epidemic gimmick,
like Dracula, I became oversensitive to light,
and my spleen and liver became enlarged,
my tonsils were French-kissing each other in my mouth,
that’s when I knew that first match was merely a midcard.

So I began getting very desperate,
I bore three holes in the middle of a selected tree,
and walked three times around it,
shouting “Flee, you germy hooligan, flee!”
Then I consulted my witch doctor,
asked him if he had a personal rival,
he said, “Ooh eee ooh ah ah,
tic-tac-toe walla-walla no-no!”

I had never felt more tired in all my life,
giraffes and croissants had missed me for weeks,
I was bedridden, stuck playing electronic hand-held Yahtzee,
and marathons of The Lance Krall Show on Spike TV.
Jebediah Joplin’s litter of cats broke through my screen door hole,
strutting around like I conceded defeat and they owned the place,
I felt as though I’ve come to the end of the road,
when Paw-leeze kicked the catnip in my face.

I became death-defiant for resolve,
so I sprung out of my sheets like a coil spring,
hopped right into my low-rider school bus,
making like the cat and the canary down to Doctor Lowenstein,
he gave me a thorough examination,
stuck a butterfly needle in me to check my diagnosis,
and then wasting no time he proclaimed,
“You have what we call a bad case of mononucleosis!”

So he ordered me a prescription of Motrin,
and offered me a shot of Dexatrin,
he urged me to drink plenty of fluids,
and suck on plenty of Mighty Magic Minis and Swirlwinds,
he told me to get plenty of rest,
because exercise could rupture my spleen,
and told me not to take any aspirin,
and warned me, most of all, “No kissing for a few weeks!”

So eventually I healed completely,
and slowly I regained my focus and testosterone,
a hippie chimp covered me of my duties,
and I had my annual lost sock memorial pilgrimage postponed,
I ran down the full length of Theodore Roosevelt Highway,
in my Aunt Agnus’ burgundy angora sweater,
crying “Hallelujah, I can breathe again,
Lord, thank you for freeing me from these parasitic fetters!”

So learn this lesson and learn it well,
if you’re desperate to have your first kiss,
at all costs don’t rush it on some stranger,
especially if it’s a Latvian foreign exchange student...

...wow,
is it National Candied Orange Peel Day or what?

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other"

Mother Teresa

miscellanea
Member Elite

since 2004-06-24

Posts 4060
OH

1 posted 2006-03-06 08:07 PM

Dying laughing! You too funny, Mistletoe! Very clever writing and lots of fun to read!

misce

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

2 posted 2006-03-06 08:16 PM

"my tonsils were French-kissing each other in my mouth"

Noah, that image alone stopped me in my tracks!
LOL, what a hilarious car...that green thing!

Edward Grim
Senior Member

since 2005-12-18

Posts 1154
Greenville, South Carolina

3 posted 2006-03-06 10:52 PM

I'd like to see you do stand-up. This is great. Funny stuff here. Cheers - Ed

“True absurdism is not less but more real than reality”
- John Simon

The Lady
Member Rara Avis

since 2005-12-26

Posts 7634
The Southwest

4 posted 2006-03-07 12:15 PM

Oh heck! I can't pick a line. I'm too busy laughing! I love it.

Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

5 posted 2006-03-07 12:30 PM

Noah....You get a kiss from me for this one...it and you are adorable and funny!!

Ringo

Member Elite

since 2003-02-20

Posts 3684
Saluting with misty eyes

6 posted 2006-03-07 12:55 PM

Noah, my friend, there are people that can help you... just keep saying to yourself, "The men in the white coats are here to help me."
lol

This is definately the way to end a very long day, and begin a very short night... with the best giggle I've had in, literally, weeks.
Thank you.

To be merciful to the cruel is to be cruel to the merciful.
www.impressionsintime.net

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

7 posted 2006-03-07 10:50 AM

Noah, Noah, Noah! Your humour and joie de vivre added some sparkle to my day. You are a bonafide nut bar! ~ and I love nuts! You are so talented ~ and precious!

Love you!
Linda

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

8 posted 2006-03-07 08:05 PM

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