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Open Poetry #37
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scenes from the bar. (masquerade challenge)
| Open Poetry #37 |
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scenes from the bar. (masquerade challenge) |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space 
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i dreamt my sister, unchained, sat with bukowski, sexton, plath twain was there, he smoked cigars hemingway, he worked the bar miller, thompson, ambled in he flashing me him cheesy grin there was jung, and campbell too juggling images (as they're wont to do) the joint was wild 'til word came down that sigmund would be swinging round (sexton fetal on the floor) but sister met him at the door blowing smoke into his face 'sometimes it's just a cigar ace' they laughed, they wrote, and drank to that my sis, bukowski, sexton, plath she belonged that much i know me? i just enjoy the show ****sighs, this bastard got away from me, (the muse abandoned me for a younger, probably blond, blue eyed and ripped, writer. i know it) and so i let it go. i'd never finish or post it otherwise. hopefully the spirit is here, but more importantly, i hope the sentiment gets through to them. unchained they could be great, scratch that, they are great, but unchained, they could be published and held amongst the greats. am i making any sense? i have a fever leave me alone..pblllt [This message has been edited by Aenimal (01-11-2006 11:39 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 raphael giuffrida - All Rights Reserved | |||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
rofl crackin me up but what did you do with kerouac? thought he musta been there somewhere oh yeah hidin in the ladies room |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
it's Karen, M'lady Serenity, all the way.... (it has to be) Wowser Bello, it's fab m'man  library mxx how i would love you, love you as no one ever did! Die and still, love you more. And still love you more..and more |
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Greeneyes 
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
I can see the scene from the bar....the images of this are a wonder....it's good to see you around...  |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
this is so completely Karen, if it isn't then its her twin. (OMG there's a twin?) *grin* I loved this, Raph . . . ya got all my favorites in there . . . If this is not her, then I am lost: cheesy grin, Jung, smoking cigars, fetal, working the bar . . . has to be . . . they laughed, they wrote, and drank to that my sis, bukowski, sexton, plath she belonged that much i know me? i just enjoy the show Nice job . . . |
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
Yep, I think it has to be Karen, too! LOL, you absolutely captured a bit of her wit! Enjoyed!  ...jo |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
If this ain't me, I want some DNA testing done! and even if it ain't? Not bloody likely that you'd have this party without me...except? I woulda cussed.  *and pssssssssssst c-a-m-p-b-e-l-lgrin...sorry, but you KNOW he's me boy! *smooch*  Yer adorable, and wow. I just realized something. If this IS me? It's been quite a while since I could say I've been done twice in 24 hours.  |
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Dominique-Simone Senior Member
since 2005-11-12
Posts 643 |
I love it.. You made me laugh in such an interesting way |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
This is so completely Serenity! Even to the very well written two liner rhyme within. Great job Raph! |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
I loved it. Wish I would have such a dream so I could sit cross-legged on the floor and listen in. Serenity reigns supreme.. Yes, it must be her.. martyo |
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Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
*gleeeeeeeeee* (That's Karen too) I just love when Raph writes... "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
thanks all, 'tis the lady K indeed Kacy, last i heard he was on the road and would be there shortly.(groan) thanks for catching the typo sis, re-reading 'hero' again, i've worn down the spine dammit. now go publish. go on. i'll wait |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
I had to read this again.... Did I tell you Bello, how brilliant this poem is? perfect. it is heading straight for my library, for safe keeping...winkies A challenge perfectly met Raphy. wuv you m xx how i would love you, love you as no one ever did! Die and still, love you more. And still love you more..and more |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Belly up to the bar boy! You deserve a drink on Karen for this ringer of a right write! Linda |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Oh yes...this is perfectly Karen!! Well done Raph! Hugs YOU! In the midst of winter, |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Your sister sounds like one hell of a woman. I wouldn't give up on this one, Aenimal. You've got something fresh here. Core |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
you had me 100% until the last three lines. ditch them. they're unecessary and make it feel unfinished. it will feel raw and dirty and gritty and whole if you kill them there three lines. if you do that, you're formatting it en entre as a jaded, envious perspective. and, know what, i like that. karen or not, this is as fine a piece of art out of you as i've seen... when you get rid of those last three lines. did i mention my thoughts on those last three lines? - it's like following up a glass of tequila with 2-week old milk. 3 lines 3 lines i'm only persistent on this because i think this is an excellent piece of writing... without... yeah, i know you got it by now. |
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The Lady Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634The Southwest |
Brilliant work. |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
thanks everyone, Christopher, your input is most appreciated. While I have you here, I was wondering, how do you feel about those last three lines? |
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gemjop Member Elite
since 2002-11-18
Posts 2587Pencilveinia, USA |
Brilliant and scary work here, i don't think imitating Karen is any easy thing, in a league of her own, i'd be terrified to even try. But you've done her essence and flow perfectly, especially the ending lines. Read this yesterday and agree with christopher completely. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
*nodding* very nice indeed with the changes . . . |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
now that you ask... much. much better. diggin' this. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Well, I am so glad ya'll got that all figgered out.  I feel a bit like I was shooting a love scene and was just laying here, waiting for ya'll to "block the shot"  It's an odd feeling, first reading something that is so much like me, then watching the critique process. Somebody beam me back please. But yes, the ending is much tidier now. |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
I have a confession to make. *S* I usually don't read the masquerade poems because 1) I couldn't write one if a million dollars was guaranteed to be mine if I did, 2) No one's ever going to masquerade as me which just reminds me I have no style LOL... and 3) I'm pretty dense at figuring them out. *G* But this is so good you may just change my ways... from the first line... or even the title... I would have sworn I'd opened one of serenity's poems. *S* Superbly met challenge... and fantastic poem. Well done indeed!! |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
thanks again all, yup usually i like messy endings  but i like it much better now, those last three lines were that self critiquing thing i do(no, no i do. i know, you're all shocked i can be self-abusive..who knew shrugs.) |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
super. shocked. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
I hate to ask, Raph, now that you've put this poem to bed...but what were the last three lines?? |
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