So there I was, all set to go,
The wig and make-up on
Looking like a movie star
Dressed up in pink chiffon.
I knew where Toerag's hangout was,
The UGLY LOSER'S bar
Where wannabes convince themselves
How great they really are.

I entered through the front door
Saw old Toerag shooting pool.
His eyes were lining up a shot,
His mouth was dripping drool.
My nylonged legs made swishing sounds
As I approached his side
And I could see his chest stick out
With less than manly pride.

He'd had a drink too many..
I could see his eyes were glazed.
He stared down at my hemline
Appropriately raised.
"Hey, gal", he smiled, "you like the way
Ole Toerag strokes his cue?
Follow me to my place and
I'll do the same for you!!"

I followed him to his place..
It was just a two-room shack.
A broken porch-swing in the front,
An outhouse in the back.
He had his hands all over me
The drunken, crazy lout
And I had to remind myself
What this was all about.

"Get into bed and wait for me",
I whispered in his ear.
"Get ready for the greatest thrill
That you have had this year.
Turn out the lights, you lovely man,
'Cause I'm a little shy.
Go wait for me, you stallion!"
And I waved Toerag bye-bye.

I heard him in the bedroom
As his clothes flew through the air.
The bedsprings creaked like crazy
As he flopped his body there.
The lights went out, the room was dark,
Just silence, nothing more.
I tiptoed to the front porch and
I opened up the door.

My landlord, Mrs. Liverspot,
Came creeping through the door.
I'd had her in the backseat
Hiding crouched down on the floor.
At 92, she hadn't had
A man for many years
And asked for some assistance
From her tenant Balladeer.

"Go get him, Mrs. Liverspot!"
She took off like a shot
And ran into Toe's bedroom
With her passion boiling hot.
I heard her jump into the bed
And scream out loud with glee.
She was gonna make the best
Of this great opportunity!

For two full hours I sat there
Right outside the bedroom door
To hear old Mrs. Liverspot
Keep screaming out for more.
And I heard Toerag gasping,
Calling out, "I love you, Sue!!".
Apparently mistaking her
For someone he once knew.

So that's the way it was, my friends.
Toerag was satisfied,
Mrs. Liverspot so pleased
Her smile was ten miles wide.
Me? For my small part
She gave me free rent for a year.,..
Such a happy birthday for
Your good friend Balladeer!