Haiku: an evening breath. - pipTalk Forums

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youcan'tseeme
Member

since 2004-01-30

Posts 88

0 posted 2005-05-30 10:48 PM

patient ball of fire
drowns in pacific waters:
welcome rising night.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

1 posted 2005-05-30 10:50 PM

excellent

1slick_lady
Member Ascendant

since 2000-12-22

Posts 6088
standing on a shadow's lace

2 posted 2005-05-30 11:09 PM

calm dances on sway
cradled lullabies bed song
cover me in night

iliana
Member Patricius

since 2003-12-05

Posts 13434
USA

3 posted 2005-05-30 11:55 PM

Very nice...could envision this with ease!

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

4 posted 2005-05-31 08:25 AM

Sunsets are beautiful.
TD

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

5 posted 2005-05-31 08:32 AM

What a lovely haiku! I can picture the sinking of the magnificent solar orb into the waters of the Pacific.

I also enjoyed slick lady's poetic response. Beauty begets beauty!

Love & Light,
EA

adagio
Member

since 2005-03-19

Posts 449
Marrero, La.

6 posted 2005-05-31 04:28 PM

A great work!

INclan
Senior Member

since 1999-07-20

Posts 1024
Indiana, USA

7 posted 2005-05-31 08:15 PM

OUTSTANDING!

Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

8 posted 2005-06-01 12:28 PM

orange yellow lollypop
swallowed by the greedy dark

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

Mon Cherie

Senior Member

since 2001-10-31

Posts 922
Land of Never-ending Summers

9 posted 2005-06-01 12:41 PM

Wow. This is really an interesting way of describing the sunset... Love iT!!

_,,,^.^,,,_
Florence

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

10 posted 2005-06-01 12:52 PM

YouCan'tSeeMe~

I have seen the sun
Swallowed up by the ocean
Steamed sizzle of night~

Your Haiku is OUTSTANDINGLY penned~
Thank you for the instant inspire~

*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost,
the spirit rejoices over what it has left.
- Sufi epigram <))><

Email noles1@totcon.com

youcan'tseeme
Member

since 2004-01-30

Posts 88

11 posted 2005-06-06 01:30 PM

I'm so glad to see that few words inspired others to creativly speak in replies!

Thank you

S Arthur Grey
Senior Member

since 2001-03-19

Posts 719
woven by a poet's loom

12 posted 2005-06-06 05:39 PM

Can I be contrary with this?
From my understanding of Haiku, the language should not be figurative. That is not its style.
This is a nice short poem, figurative in each line, but because of that, perhaps it should not be called Haiku.
jmho
I've given your idea some thought as to how I might think of this as Haiku.
How about this?

Ball of golden fire
low to Pacific's waters
Summer night's welcome

e-mail me if you would like to discuss further.

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

13 posted 2005-06-07 07:35 AM

I think this is an absolutely beautiful and highly enjoyable senryu!

With the seasonal element it becomes a perfect haiku, as Sir Arthur Grey suggests.

I like this form very much, but still I wouldn't call myelf an expert ... for me it's enough if it sounds good to my ear.

Love, Margherita

LeeJ
Member Patricius

since 2003-06-19

Posts 13296

14 posted 2005-06-07 07:47 AM

this comes at a very appropriate time...refreshing flow

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

15 posted 2005-06-07 03:51 PM

perfect Haiku.

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

16 posted 2005-06-07 03:55 PM

E X C E L L E N T !!!

~Somewhere in my heart I'm always
dancing with you in the summer rain~

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