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Open Poetry #35
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Huan Yi
Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688
Waukegan

0 posted 2005-05-16 12:40 PM



All glory
Loud drums
Bright banners

Above the hill
In old Kyoto
A stolid moon

© Copyright 2005 John Pawlik - All Rights Reserved
Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg
1 posted 2005-05-16 01:30 PM


I think this is quite good.  Very Ezra Pound-ish, with the piling of concise imagery.  

I like, in the first stanza, how you put emphasis ("loudness" and "brightness") on the two quantifying adjectives by starting lines with them.  The "drums" and "banners" were allowed to seem almost less important than the adjectives you used to describe them, which I hope was the desired effect.

You do something similar in the second stanza by situating the "stolid moon" before describing it, and even describing "old kyoto."  The effect is different though, I think, because the final chord is played on the moon itself, which is (contrary to the "all glory" it overlooks) silently and carelessly surveying the activity below.  I especially like how, in the second stanza, everything described is totally inanimate and passive.

I found this quite enjoyable.  Glad I got the opportunity to read it.

Brian

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
2 posted 2005-05-17 12:27 PM


Enjoyed...James
Drauntz
Member Elite
since 2007-03-16
Posts 2905
Los Angeles California
3 posted 2007-04-30 03:24 PM


good comparing.

carnival/dealy still
loud/quiet
human/nature
down there/up there
drums/moon
banner/city.

why a brain twister poem?
enjoyed as always

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