navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #35 » que sera
Open Poetry #35
Post A Reply Post New Topic que sera Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738


0 posted 2005-05-03 10:30 PM


Nothing in another day

silk so raw--it rubs like this

laughing

love's propensity

staring at my knees

I dream

of bicycles

and brushburn screams

knowing

that's the least of it

squeezing lids to wrinkles

I wish that I

could shut pain out

as I tighten rollerskates

my key on yarn is dangling

centerpiece

of woman sob

Hanging there between the knobs

that ache to grow into the breasts

that would fit my mother's bra

or something

that would hang, at least


These, the dreams

of these flat rings

suckle me a child and I'll

watch the eyes

intensity

in the curling edge

of leaf

and clover

lures a bumblebee

dancing on the edge

of grief

flowering my crowns

as I

gather twinings nervously

braided for the buzzing

threes

dancing bears in pink tu-tu's -

a pendulum

upon my chest of thump-d-dum

and que sera

tra la la

l-la la la

"poof"

and now it's gone

I blinked

hurrying my life along

as if I had somewhere to go

"Mama? Mama? Are you there?"

Tell me why I had to ask

if you loved me tugging sleeve

worried that you might say no,

why oh why did I not know

(because--because?)

it never showed

for children do not understand

the bottom line of books and debt

and clocks are circles of regret

spinning days away I wish

that you would have looked suprised

that I felt the need to ask.


© Copyright 2005 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved
Local Rebel
Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767
Southern Abstentia
1 posted 2005-05-03 10:43 PM


'never smile
at a crocodile
no you can't get friendly
with a crocodile'

this made me channel peter pan -- and the crocodile time chasing us all -- seems to go by so fast because we're running away from it -- but -- perhaps better to be swallowed by the moment...

hear the wisdom of the late night infomercial

'but wait
there's more'



luvya k

Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
2 posted 2005-05-03 10:45 PM


Karen

This touches so many places ....I can hardly reply.  

Nightshade
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962
just out of reach
3 posted 2005-05-03 11:17 PM


spinning days away I wish

that you would have looked suprised

that I felt the need to ask


No...you shouldn't have felt the need to ask. Not then, not now, not ever.
Hugging you, Chrislane

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
4 posted 2005-05-04 12:40 PM


Very nice...James
timothysangel1973
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Senior Member
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725
Never close enough
5 posted 2005-05-04 02:04 AM


quote:
and now it's gone

I blinked

hurrying my life along

as if I had somewhere to go


Aint that the way it always is...

I loved this Serenity....

Tima

GG
Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532
Lost in thought
6 posted 2005-05-04 03:00 AM


When young I was always told not to wish my life away, now, understanding the value of life even more because of the loss of it... I wish life away even more. That's the irony of it, I guess.

That's what this reminded me of, though it likely may have nothing to do with what you mean. Either way, though, it touched me. Thank you, and hang in there.

Always, Alyssa

He was a man of sorrows
...I am a girl of tears.

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
7 posted 2005-05-04 03:02 AM



She screams
through every pore of my skin,
now white and withering
dying on the vine,
that crying child.

A rose . . .
clutched in winter's bony fingers.


Yet she refuses to let me be
and she doesn't trust me, you know?

She tries to remind me
of the berries blooming
on the strawberry bushes
and wants me to take a bite
of the wild radishes.

I refuse, of course -
tossing my head back
with one hand
brushing the hair from my eyes,
telling her to STOP!
and act her age.

That games are for children
and this is a world for adults.

She never listens.

All I can do is take her hand
and we walk with each other -  
woman and child.

Burning our feet
bare upon the desert sand,
thirsty for an answer
we will never receive.  

------------------------------------

You blew me away up there, Lady.
My love to you, Karen.  
        


  

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

8 posted 2005-05-04 03:11 AM


I remember summers then
the streets would crumble in the bake
they used to fill the cracks with tar
(now crack and tar mean different things)

but even then I was amazed
I'd walk the centerline and watch
the bubbles rising in the heat
I busted them with my bare toe

the bottoms of my feet were black
from all my wandering the street
my mother hollering at me
"Why oh why won't you wear shoes?"

I guess because I couldn't feel
the bust of bubbles through the sole
So I left tiny little toeprints tarred
on my mama's kitchen floor

yanno?

It was worth the spanking too.

(tell me more, Sue...you blew ME away too...tell me more)

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
9 posted 2005-05-04 03:20 AM


I can't even write because I am sitting here with a HUGE smile on my face . . .

(thank you)

I saw those toeprints missy and I saw you looking with such big ole' eyes tryin to get away from that spankin' . . .

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

10 posted 2005-05-04 03:21 AM


sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh

shaddup and WRITE

tell me more

and? please, everybody feel free to remember, feeling free...

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
11 posted 2005-05-04 03:36 AM


The wind spoke to me today
as I stood by the Lake.
Her breath froze my bones
as I wondered when Spring was coming.

If it was ever to come this year.

Looking out upon her,
I lit a smoke, checked my watch
and stood by myself -
watching the most beautiful sunset.

And then it came.

It spattered my face,
tiny droplets of spit -
reminding me of every dirty little deed
every awful horrid thing I had done.

It burned, the spittle,
and I tried to wipe it off
but each time my hand crept to my face,
it was slapped away by her breath,
fierce and fiery as a maelstrom.

I felt the tears well,
and tried to hold them back, but they came, My God, how they came -
pouring down my cheeks and I was five,
I was five years old and there I was
all chubby cheeks wearing ill fitting clothes that used to belong to my sister.

There I was,
standing on those banks,
crying, because my fifteen minutes
of "me" time was up
and it was time to go back to work.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

12 posted 2005-05-04 03:57 AM


I often used to wonder why
on those days of witnessing
watching strangers cry
I would
always offer them a hug
but they would duck as though I were
offering arms that were a flame
as if as if I would hurt them
I didn't understand until now
that at times it is too much
and love is not a comfort but
a blanket coarse with itchy wool
on skin that is still sensitive
from the ones that came before

Now I understand too much
knowing I know not at all
like the time I argued that
I cast no shadow in the fall
gazing into sun that lied
the shadows were still tall
behind
me and my four feet.

She didn't do me favors then
showing me that it was there
turn around and look, you'll see
now I know they're everywhere
doing everything I do

She was not a friend of mine.

But Oh I loved her so...

Sometimes touch is just too much.
Sometimes it is just too soon.
Sometimes tho, it's just enough,
and that cow still jumps the moon

I wish the fork had run away
with the spoon I learned to use.
I guess it had to be that way
what with me, hot tar, & noon...

And no it ain't regret I feel
it's just feelings I tried not
to feel, I took the long shortcut
traveling where wild things are

puzzling the sand, the beach
and why the jabberwockies ate
oysters as they begged for life
remembering they were polite

as they went in for the kill...

Here. I wave to you a hug.
Knowing that it hurts to touch
burns that are still blistering.
And a kiss might be too much

but I pray you know the peace
I'm sending backwards home to you.
Little girls get lost sometimes.
So little girls should be renewed

with a precious drop of pure
feeling
travel glistening
down my cheek to wet my lips
upon my fingers
blowing kiss
as I see you both in you.

And yes, I love you too.



GG
Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532
Lost in thought
13 posted 2005-05-04 03:58 AM


Just have to add...
I'm loving (and tearing up) reading the poems you two are writing here. Absolutely awesome.

Oh and out here on my country road they still fill the cracks with tar, and I still pop the bubbles barefoot, though I'm the one who was to clean the kitchen floor. It's worth it...

He was a man of sorrows
...I am a girl of tears.

LeeJ
Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296

14 posted 2005-05-04 06:53 AM


this was magnificant...the imagry locked me in and took me to your place...perhaps reminding the reader, that these moments are precious enough to wallow in...you, caputure life in all it's essense, a very talented poet you are...thanks so much for you.  


Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989

15 posted 2005-05-04 07:52 AM


K this is brilliant and the replies I am reading here are such wonderful reads.......Hugs....
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

16 posted 2005-05-04 08:09 AM


smile...

I kind of consider this a duet with Sue/littlewing actually...I think somehow there's pieces of all in there somewhere.

Hugs and thanks for reading.

And GG? grins...I kinda had you pegged for tar bubble popper.

(And bubble wrap? Forget about it! It's confiscated from me immediately as I have a method that allows me to get sometimes three pops per bubble...)

nod

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Love to all.

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989

17 posted 2005-05-04 08:17 AM


oh tar bubbles...sorry...I had to come back to this.  YES, I loved tar bubbles back then as a child walking the country roads that we lived on and still do the tar bubble thing now...

thank you thank you for the memories...

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
18 posted 2005-05-04 08:59 AM


Looking to the East,
I stood
raw and unbridled,
as a crazy mare
that no one wishes to break.

My feet firmly planted,
roots spiralling into the dirt -
passing through the ceilings of
beetle and mole.

Each tip of my toes
peeking into their lives,
asking for the time of day
or simply watching life unwind,
simple as it may seem to some.

Each season
brought me different emotions,
welling up into my trunk
traversing throughout my limbs,
crashing straight between my eyes.

And I met them all, head on and ready.  

Never faltering,
never losing control.
Always ready for the next snowfall,
the icestorm, the first fall
of my precious children.
Only to bear witness
to the beautiful rebirth of my babies.  

Even the Sun had nothing on me.

I never lost my skin,
like the others seemed to do.
My tresses stood high and proud.
If they did fall,
they made beds for the doe
and her family.

They were needles.  

My limbs did not know
the feel of arms about me,
nor the winds' whispering kiss
at nightfall.

I never felt the Sun
when she was helping me to grow,
I only felt her hot breath upon my neck.

The cool showers of Spring
only brought me tears
and the icey gaze of Winter
bade me farewell, laughing as I, myself,
was frozen in time.

I stood alone, and I chose to, I guess.
I mean that was all I knew
from the day I started to root.

I stand now, strong and proud.
Still bearing that stony glaze,
but now welcoming each embrace of life,
each passing season,
every single encounter -
as if it were my last.  

I once knew not what it felt
to have arms about me.
It burned my skin, as you say,
sent my temperature to boiling,
blushed my cheeks like a fine merlot.

I know now what comfort feels like
for you alone, from distance even,
have taught me
exactly what it means to be loved.

I accept your arms and your kiss, My Lady,
through you, I am able to be myself.

-------------------------------------------

Thank you Karen . . .
you have always and will continue
to inspire me, I will never forget
you sitting with toes tapping,
pointer in hand, telling me not to WRITE,
but to FEEL.  

I love you too, always.
Be good to yourself.  

That is some of the best writing
I have done in a long time and
the most beautiful words
I have seen from your pen.

I offer YOU MY arms . . .

Love,

Susie

I took the long shortcut
traveling where wild things are


Ha! - that line is priceless . . .



Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
19 posted 2005-05-04 09:07 AM


"Little girls get lost sometimes.
So little girls should be renewed"

Nodding and wiping tears
as so many memories
come flooding back.

Hugging both you Karen, and Sue..
what a marvelous write and thread!!

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
20 posted 2005-05-04 09:19 AM


for children do not understand
the bottom line of books and debt
and clocks are circles of regret
spinning days away I wish
that you would have looked suprised
that I felt the need to ask.

~*~

when you were too busy
for the constant pleas
ignoring the pull of my need,
I resolved to be not like you,
..."to listen," would be my creed...

you were wrapped in somewhere else,
another time, perhaps another beau
and no one asked of your memories,
it was somewhere you couldn't go...

you fooled me all along, for
only now the puzzled pieces fit
and I am left to wonder out loud
what to make of all of it.

What secrets left in me to leave
in quiet hope children won't grieve
over something needy that I had done...
some truth that couldn't see the sun.

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348
Florida
21 posted 2005-05-04 10:56 AM


inspiration seeps from this thread...

much love.  


(not anywhere the talent above but my .02..)

That day, oh faithful day
That brought such hate and betrayal
Was the turning point for me

Before that day I was but
A tiny piece of prey
For that which would hunt

But I found
myself, solitude,
desire to move beyond the black and white of hurt.

Spending time alone
Became my happiness

Walking the roads
Smelling the earth

Sitting under my tree
Seeing a production in leaves
Watching the sky tell stories

I became a writer in my head

I swam the lake
Water being my calm,
sandy bottom my foundation
(shifting with a necessity)

Sunning on the dock
Watching big mouth bass jump
as if to protest the bounds
Of its always wet world

I didn’t find what I needed at home
I found it in the solitude of
My explorations
Be it in my mind or the arms of nature

I still love walks
And my lake has become an ocean

I still love the smell of rain
And grass stains on my bottom

And I don’t call home very often.


"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~



Mysteria
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
22 posted 2005-05-04 12:41 PM


Good Grief!  Martie where are you?  This is spectacular ladies (all.) I sure wish I could write out my memories this well.  Susan, I feel yours right in the marrow of my soul, all too familiar for me.

If I could I surely would have written this myself, and wish I did!
  
Before that day I was but
A tiny piece of prey
For that which would hunt

But I found
myself, solitude,
desire to move beyond the black and white of hurt.


Now, I will go get Martie, then print these to keep for save keeping.  Thank you all for waking my heart to feel today.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
23 posted 2005-05-04 01:39 PM


We were too close,
you and I,
I could hear your thinking
in my heart
oft wondering of your loves
when you twinkled in light
before his glow in his
for you...

you shared some stories
with only me,
but never the why of them,
only the wry of them...

that would pop out at me
like Jack-in-the-box
even though the handle hadn't
been turned for quite some time...

if you were to remember
my first run away time, what
would you recall? That I carefully packed up
my few possessions of three years
and four months, what did you say
that I would leave?

But there you were, with a brown bag
full of love, peanut butter and jelly,
which didn't taste too good
through salty tears
only two houses down.

Did you hate me that much?

Or did I remind you of your youth
in patent leather shoes,
and ankle socks,
had I dared say no?

Much later I learned of the love
your father lavished on you,
the four prom dresses in one year,
one for each change of mind
before the dance commenced...

when my own was borrowed
from a loving aunt.

Were you here now, you could follow
these rambling golden bricks
accusing me again
of thinking too much...

but now that I know more,
you would have to sit, and talk this time,
splay out what was,
so I might know why I am
this way...

kayjay
Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015
Oregon
24 posted 2005-05-04 02:26 PM


No writer can ask more than that his or her writing lifts others to pause, remember, grin or curse, and find parallels to what you said.  You covered it all for me.  Thanks, Karen.  Ken
icebox
Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383
in the shadows
25 posted 2005-05-04 02:47 PM



Fiera niña,
qué eres,
yo era;
como soy,
tú serás.
Como tú serás,
tú serás te.

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

26 posted 2005-05-04 05:21 PM


Che Sera? you've gone and collapsed me..again M'lady Serenity, heh, that's a good thing.. oh yes a very good thing *smile*



miss you

Mxx

"we all have wings, but some of us don't know why"

Michael Hutchence (INXS)

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

27 posted 2005-05-04 06:48 PM


Charly? You floored me.

As did all you ladies who shared. (mah maree, I know you have something to share too, and somebody make Sharon-Mysteria post hers! )

smiling wide

What a lovely thing that happened here--we get a rare glimpse of the inner beauty of the beauties of Pip.

thank you all

But charly gets a kiss.

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

28 posted 2005-05-04 08:02 PM


I didn't understand until now
that at times it is too much
and love is not a comfort but
a blanket coarse with itchy wool
on skin that is still sensitive
from the ones that came before

----------------------------------

oh baby...when I read this part early this morning it knocked the wind from my mothy heart like a kick in the chest...as always your timing is uncanny ...


damn... .... .... .....

(ykikykik)


inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392
Ohio
29 posted 2005-05-05 12:22 PM


dangle dreams
by the sea full
mama rose,
i sit there,the little girl
on the half shell
while the calamities and serenities
danced through eachother
on the water's heels,
you spoke of magic worlds that
twired on colored pinwheels,
then covered my eyes
when the waves got too stormy,
you shielded me and the baby sis
form the harder life you knew,
bless you mama,
you wrapped me in a sea colored blanket,
and kept me warm with imagination
but insulated it with hesitations
of views beyond the blockade of waves,
as i strained to see if its warm respite
beyond the galloping waves that jump the fences,
or a spiral's descent where the mud
never clears?
i offered a toe,then took it back afraid,
too many times , left to wonder,
these days, i've grown reckless instead,
skipping signs of caution, having tired
of slow walks on tip toe,
now holding my breath, and my own hand,
i flirt with exposure of who i now am,
dance on my possible tombstone
all the while, as i'm loving the dare.

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348
Florida
30 posted 2005-05-05 09:03 AM


La verdad habla por el Hielo. and he deserves a kiss...lucky guy.

Sharon?  I too, think you should post...if need be you can edit before doing so..(but I happen to think it's raw truth that produces beauty)

Karen?  you always spawn such honest emotion..and I am glad you do.

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
31 posted 2005-05-05 09:08 AM


I adore this thread OMG what a beautiful display of writers who are not afraid to show what is beyond their skin.  You guys already know I am half nuts anyhow and My God, this is just beauty.

Karen?  Bless you for starting this, I want to see it thrive . . . and if it goes off the boards .  . . somebody bump it . . .

Sharon?  Post it already, sheesh . . . I tried to get her to do it K . . .

Maree . . . Martie . . . this is screaming for you both and actually for everyone . . . not just the ladies . . . men . . . fess up . . .

I learn soooo much from all of you.
Kari, Susan . . . *shaking head*  you guys blew me away . . .

(Michele . . . my Jersey sis - THAT was beautiful)

Somebody better start writing or my big ole' mouth will start flapping again . . .  

kayjay
Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015
Oregon
32 posted 2005-05-05 10:31 AM


"We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game" - Joni Mitchell ca the Sixties
Hustling through time takes so much from us.  When my children were young, I provided for them rather than giving them my time.  Now that my grandchildren are here, I give them time.  I have learned what only time can teach, but offer to those with little ones.  
As Littlewing offers, this is a great thread.

Through rubble and trouble and dark of night
The yawn of a dawn will hasten the light

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989

33 posted 2005-05-05 10:55 AM


You are all so very beautiful people with such beautiful souls.
K?  Love ya sweetie....hugs.

[This message has been edited by Gentle Spirit (05-06-2005 09:13 AM).]

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215
Realms of Light
34 posted 2005-05-05 12:24 PM


Words cannot express how deeply I felt your words. The resignation and ultimate acceptance of "que sera" strikes a chord within me. Yes, my glorious friend, whatever will be, will be. By learning to go with the flow, as you appear to be doing, can bring us peace when there appears to be no port in the storm. A safe haven dwells within your poetic and wise heart.

As you travel through life ~ experiencing both the highs and the painful lows, you somehow manage to let your serenity shine through the most distressing of times. Much is to be gained for the readers of your poetry. You don't hide from your feelings nor do you hide them from others. You are real, you are brave of heart ~ and you are one hell of a fine poet!!!

Love & Living Light,
Linda xo

Mysteria
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
35 posted 2005-05-05 01:24 PM


Well this morning Janet Marie sent around her latest "Shutterfly Album" pictures, and in this current load of Passion's resident photographer's great photos, I saw this picture and it sure spoke to me.  She has given me permission to use it.  I find it easier speaking through art.




The black seeds of why ~
Still they weed and tangle my soul.
I never understood why,
Probably never will.
Why was I was even born at all?
Perhaps a bit of glue?
Something pretty, pink, and girly
Meant to bond together
Two floundering, half dead souls
Without the time nor patience,
Destined for a wild ride to Hell.

I had it all and nothing,
Nothing but the best and worst.
Never knowing what cheek to turn,
To wear a slap or an unwanted kiss.
Each day I simply wondered why
Starting out with a knotted throat
Stifling a smothered cry.

One day he finally ‘came.’
Instantly I knew I would forever
Reek of guilt and shame’s foul stench.
I felt his pure evil growing inside me,
In wide-eyed innocence I still knew.
I was but an offering to their God.
Destined to wear his cross,
Both inside and out forever.

A virgin offering for personal gain,
Turned out, just one of three you see.
An item of show and tell,
Or not to tell,
Depending on who you were.
The question of what to do with me now
Finally got their attention.

It was on that very day,
I knew God was my friend.
“They” didn’t have a chance.
He took the demon’s seed that morning,
Lifting it from me to heaven’s keep.
I simply rolled over to sleep, whispering,
“If I should die before I wake.”
But cried when I woke and didn’t.

My life, a roller coasters ride,
One day twirling around in glee
So all could see the cute of me.
The other locked away and silenced,
Like special Sunday china
Waiting to be used, and used again.

Years passed too slowly
Spent looking over my shoulder,
Jumping at any touch
Hiding in trenches of shame and blame.
By day I played the waiting game
Gritting teeth to hurry age.

It came,
I ran.

Still I bear scars outside and in,
While those demons rot as devil's dust.
Still I wait for the answer
To the only question in my life
That mattered.
I was of their seed's seed,
I will always wonder, “Why?”

They made me so strong,
For that I thanked them, and,
Forgave them long ago for me.
But never will I know the answer to "Why?"
Porqué  ~ cuál será sea.



To explain a bit, my grandfather was a sick sadist, who molested all his grandchildren, and not just me.  He was a rich, and powerful man who got away with it, until one day I became old enough to turn him in, and I did with the help of a friend's Mother.  He died in jail,  a very lonely old man, and we were never sure if he felt remorse or not.  He maimed some of us a bit more than others, and one cousin still resides in a mental institution 50 years later.

I did NOT let him stop me from becoming all that I could be, and try to tell others through my work with children that are abused, that you can move on, and you will.  It is all in making sure to tell someone you trust about it, then work toward forgiving your opressor, and also yourself.  For, as "HE" said, "Forgive them for they know not what they do."  

Serenity (you suit that name by the way,), this thread has opened a can of worms for a lot of people here, which shows how many keep their secrets inside, and this cleansing is as they say, a very good thing for writers and readers alike.

Ron has a created a safe place for all to heal and to offer healing to others I think don't you?

[This message has been edited by Mysteria (05-05-2005 02:31 PM).]

Nightshade
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962
just out of reach
36 posted 2005-05-05 02:34 PM



I have a story to tell too....
but it's very long,
very tangled
like the inside of
a  huge box of
old Christmas
decorations.
The strings of lights
are knotted and
messy....
bulbs are missing.
My favourite hanging
figures have body
pieces missing...
scares me to look
but I must...
be brave....
tell her she looks..
beautiful still.
And she is,
though abit lopsided
like this decoration
here... an angel
with one wing.
Did I really disappoint
at such a young age?
Yes.
Too late to make
up for much.
Hold this string of
lights out tight
with me...
please...
fix it !!
Replace what's missing
and repair
damage done.
Where's the glue?!
The kind that
binds everything
and anything.
Oh ya.....
it dried up.
Throw it all
back in the box.
Christmas is
still a long,
long,
way off and
you always liked
summer best.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
37 posted 2005-05-05 02:39 PM


Chris?  Honey?

The lights will hang, this year,
fragile and brilliant...
but yes, dear, there will be light...


Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
38 posted 2005-05-05 03:05 PM


Head up, shoulders back..
       pause
listen for your cue..
       and   smile!'

You were always there
in the wings   reminding us to smile.

hocus pocus..flowers from the air
    abracadabra
              bow to the fanfare!

give them a smile..a bow and a wink
little sisters    young and tiny                                            
god what did people think?                              

'don't look so nervous! '  
..but   but, the rabbit...oh no!
it didn't appear
the top    on the prop
....stuck!

smile

for my next trick...

that's when it all started
the anxiety, panic and fear
'now, don't let it show..girls,
smile through your tears'
.

hocus pocus..flowers from the air
    abracadabra
             bow to the fanfare!

Just look at our pip pics
can you see we're still smiling
through divorces, illness,
the panic attacks and fear

yes..all through
our lives..
you've been standing
right there    in the wings

prompting your girls
through their fears
and their tears


'Head up..shoulders back..
  
   pause        
                                                
      first..

...first you smile. '
===========================================
Come Chris..hold your big sister's hand.
I'll help you untangle your life.
Thank you Serenity for this thread..
Blessings to all my 'sisters' here.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

39 posted 2005-05-05 03:14 PM


*touching the screen*

You are all so precious to me.

I love you all.

Thanks so much for this, I consider it a very special personal gift.

typing through tears here--sisters don't die.


adagio
Member
since 2005-03-19
Posts 449
Marrero, La.
40 posted 2005-05-05 05:07 PM


A while ago I posted two replys to this work but for some reason they did not show up or maybe they did and I can't find them. Any way I loved this one and I don't want to repeat myself, .
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
41 posted 2005-05-05 05:15 PM


Sisters don't die.

There's a forever in that.

Nightshade
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962
just out of reach
42 posted 2005-05-05 06:02 PM


There is no beginning and no end to "sisterhood."  
Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
43 posted 2005-05-05 06:46 PM


Innocence in her eyes,
sparkling stars
sharing memories
of  another world’s
perfect harmony,
a child’s smile
full of expectance
for the treasures of love

a  tender rosebud trusting the sun


an empty basket
aching for flowers,
outstretched arms asking
to taste the sweetness of shelter
to feel the warmth
known in the womb
before being launched
into this tough school of life


a tender rosebud trusting the sun


Greedy old hands
brushing tender lips
meant to part only  for
the purest songs of  paradise.
Smiles fading, clouds gathering,
lightning out of the blue sky
harmony shattered.
Soft petals crushed. Why?

a tender rosebud once trusting the sun,
now forever afraid to bloom …


*  *  *

Captured by the depth and beauty of your poetry shared in this amazing thread, I set out to explore my own emotions ….

Thank you!

Love, Margherita


Mysteria
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
44 posted 2005-05-06 12:52 PM


You know I got so wrapped up in this thread I forgot to acknowledge your poem and to mention that these lines were like nails on a chalkboard to me, (that's a good thing.)

I didn't understand until now
that at times it is too much
and love is not a comfort but
a blanket coarse with itchy wool
on skin that is still sensitive
from the ones that came before

Now I understand too much


You can say things in a way that they are truly meant to be said - and these lines are all too true.  Great writing Karen, the original poem and this one as well.

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
45 posted 2005-05-06 01:19 AM


I am so proud and grateful to have all of you by my side.

Such utter beauty . . .

Such strong souls . . .

and Nancy?  That line about our pxs?
Sooo true . . .

I loved those lines too Sharon and you, Lady I applaud for being so brave even if you didn't always feel like that.

Karen?  *bowing to you*

You guys are amazing . . .
I am so happy I am a part of all of this.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

46 posted 2005-05-06 05:01 AM


I keep reading this thread and I laugh, and I cry, and I smile and I am amazed and yes, so honored that you all trust me with the inner sanctum of yourselves. (And yes, there are folks I miss, but I understand too, it just might not be the day for you to don a coarse wool blanket.)

Sharon? That was so brave of you lovie...and Margherita? you floored me with the wonder of your presence here, such beauty.

I would have love to have been visited by Maureen, Kit, Nan, PdV, Kaoru, and tsk...Maree--you've so much to say, but I know much of it so I shall hush, Sadie? Iliana? Marge? Kathleen? Martie? Bluesy? Elizabeth Santos? and GG...smile, yes you. Lauren, Sea, so many more of you that make up the all of me. Forgive me for those I forget, but yanno? should you feel an urge, post! (just point me in the right direction, lest I miss)

But instead of pushing always harder for "more", perhaps it's best to let some page show through too.

I want to thank Michelle too, for showing the tender underside and allowing vulernable to show through, and Susan Caldwell?

C'mere, lady. I adore you yanno. You make me feel like...grrrrrrrrrrrowlin' grin...Angelina?

Littlewing, Kari? You are constant joy.

I really do love this thread too. So much beauty...

and pssst...guess what?

We just got a trampoline. Ya'll wanna come over and play?

Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
47 posted 2005-05-06 06:38 AM


Wow, nothing like a trampoline to let go of tensions ... did that with my children, what fun, but oh ... it was some time ago! It might be a "risky business" now?! May you enjoy it dear Karen!



I need to thank you once again for the "compelling inspiration" to touch a theme, that was untouchable until now!

Love and hugs.
Margherita

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
48 posted 2005-05-06 06:52 AM


"I would have loved to have been visited by..."

Gee...if we keep this at the top, y'think there's a chance it will be seen by them, too?






Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989

49 posted 2005-05-06 08:55 AM


This is such a beautiful sharing of hearts and souls. Truly amazing and touching. Karen thank you for this sweetie.
kayjay
Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015
Oregon
50 posted 2005-05-06 11:02 AM


In rereading this thread for the nth time, feeling the outpouring and sharing of emotion, it comes to me once again that we males "just don't get it."  It is not about testosterone battles in the boardroom or playground or court or golf course (but they determine our lives); it is not about finery and chemical lawns and SUVs; it is about the sharing of love with others as is evident from so many supportive posts here.  Ken

Through rubble and trouble and dark of night
The yawn of a dawn will hasten the light

latearrival
Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499
Florida
51 posted 2005-05-06 11:35 AM


serenity, Thank you so much for this  thread of humanity and love. It has become a book !  One that should be published !   I have printed it all and will put it into a notebook binder, and keep adding to it as it grows.  Ron and others how about it ?   I cannot write of deep sadness  but I can empathize.  I have had a pretty sheltered life as a child. Married at sixteen,  very naive.  But we had a good marriage of 47 years until he left in death.  Six children thirteen grandchildren and three great grandchildren later, it is sad he is not here to see them all. Had our share of ups and downs. But came through it with love stronger and more mature.  I guess I have not had enough sadness in my life to become a writer or a poet. But woman, I sure do enjoy the reading of all you wonderful "sisters" here at PIP.  I thank Kristi sue for sending me here to find Dixie.  Dixie  was my internet daughter and I had missed her.
    I need to say Thank You to all who have contributed to this thread.  It was not easy I am sure to be so open and to renew those wounds. I can not imagine what you have lived through and admire you all for your talent, your wit and strength.  sisterly / motherly  love to you all, marty  

Mysteria
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
52 posted 2005-05-06 12:49 PM


Dear Marty,  (Karen hope you don’t mind?)

I know this is Serenity's thread but if I may?  It was not until I came to this site could I even talk about my past to anyone but those highly paid "professionals" who couldn't crack me to get my story out.  When you are abused you can hide things so deep inside you no one can get at them.  Through the love of a few good friends in here, and after loosing the only one person, (besides her Mother,) I ever trusted in my entire life, I made a few "virtual friends" in Passions.  Through their encouragement, love, and friendship I went back to the University to deal with “my issues.” By the way, I have more than you read here, but they too are behind me now.  

I was already out there helping every Jane and Judy, as I sure could talk the talk, but myself had not yet walked the walk in getting my life back to reality really.  I was so good at covering it up with success, and dealing with other's woes and in helping them it somehow made ME feel so much better.  I still do that - and kept that side of me, and like that part.  Through hypnosis the can of worms got spilled, and I dealt with it, and it became the end of what was a 9-year project that I just “graduated” from last year.  Had it not been for the "girls" here, the “Sistas Of The Tiara" who reside in Serenity's Garden, and they know who they are, I would still be a scared little girl inside a grandmother’s body.  I am finally free.

BUT...

I want to tell you when you say you have no sob stories, what that means to me and possibly for others.  It's wonderful!  I will address that later too.   I lived for those stories.   Having a life of terror, and never knowing what a friendly hand on your shoulder feels like makes you trust no one.  For the first time in my entire life since seeing what I thought was love at one friend's home, I realized that her life was not a "dream," and other people actually lived like that too.  Look at you?  

I went to visit a poet here called Elizabeth Santos, and saw for the FIRST time in my life what family meant.  I would cry almost all the time and never told a soul, a good cry, happy for her, and a bad and mad cry for me I guess.  A family was I saw, a pyramid of respect, love, understanding, unconditional love, where no judgment resides.  No one felt worthless, loved themselves, and all around them, and they included me!  She was the one showed me that, and I know she is the one responsible for making that particular family who they are, for she is the purest form of love in motion I tell you.  It is through her inspiration I am the best darn grandmother ever now.

Then, I went to Cape Cod for a Thanksgiving Dinner by accident, and saw Nan's family, (another poet here,) laughing, and loving.  I met her Mother who looked like mine so much it was scary but was she the “good one?” and I got the “bad one?” I wondered.  I wanted to take her home I tell you.  Nan has since lost her Mother, who was indeed a fine lady.   I saw the cutest kid you ever saw in your life, (Nan’s youngest grandson,), throw a tantrum and I virtually stopped breathing waiting to hear the slap, and everyone consoled and loved him.  They did not beat him, and lock him in a cupboard for a day like would have been my end. That night I cried too, a good cry.  

We gather gentle souls from here in "person" every once in a while, but also through the wonder of science, we gather in friendship continually at Passions, thanks to Ron’s generosity.  I have other very real friends in here but don't need to name them, as they know who they are, and I am sure they are smiling right now reading this, but they too contributed to the "healing of me."

This year sees Kit, Nan and I actually having a "honeymoon" in Niagara Falls in Canada     and although I don't have close friends where I live as my trust level is still not like normal people, I do TRUST THEM and that is sure a start.  This year my goal is to join “something, anything” non-volunteer, like maybe the “Red Hat Society,” and extend a hand in friendship to a stranger for something social as this I don’t do!  I live for the grandkids though J

Martie, I cannot imagine a greater loss than the one you just spoke of dear lady.  To be married to the same man 47 years and lose him?  I was married 4 times to the worst men imaginable now that must say something about my judgment, so this day I will cry for you!

You are indeed a lucky woman - all those children, grandchildren, and a love that lasted 47 years, now if that is not a memory to share I don't know what is.  I printed it out and will save it.

Ron, thank you from this sister    

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...
53 posted 2005-05-06 01:07 PM



Just wanted to say that I am reading...

and this entire thread is beautiful...

"When the power of love overcomes the love
of power the world will know peace."
--Jimi Hendrix

LeeJ
Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296

54 posted 2005-05-06 01:51 PM


Amnesia brings the chess board
Like a material riddle in suite
Animated life art, sways and bends
Comfortable conditions….
Playing dominos with my manuscript
Mapping out point A to point B
Like a virus with social consequence
Distracting subliminal eyes, the demons
Choking my walk home, giving me a D+

It was
Slipping past all those boarders
Of society and mind set
Original versions, wanting to die
Called 911, after conceding defeat
Killing me softly, would have been an understatement
Yet, I lived to write about it….

I was furnished with a book?
That grabbed my hand and shook
Like an ol friend waiting for hours, days, weeks
Turning to me in various proportions
Another beer or two bought us just a little closer
Then I’d ever believed….

I didn’t want to play, I didn’t understand
Never did, that’s the truth
I’ve been in solitude, since the day I was born
Not knowing any influential patrons
Just wanted a happy ending story
Without cross walks or rhombus

The parked cars were speeding
To a place only Pandora knew
Nanotechnological cities
Painted on a canvas of
Perhaps some dreaming Gods
Expecting a bureaucracy of genius
Then poof…Michelangelo, there he was…
Chiseling my personal Sistine Chapel…
One wrong stroke could break a finger
Or worse, my entire future….

Working with the ministry of transportation
That kind of out of body experience
Which people do, but don’t believe in
Gifts a prolific best loved self portrait
The accomplishment is gripping
A surprising true humble experience
Flying above any decent examination
Surrounded by members of St. Peter’s.

I’ve seen him often since
Oh the magnificence of the wilderness
He always knew I loved adventure
That mortal fear would linger
Despite land claims and an all expense paid trip
To a place that simply could not be owned
But lived…

I tend to take for granted the most prolific 56 years of my life
The ones bought n’ sold
The commissions were inevitable
Hindsight irresponsible
But...oh my God! The creative energy
Shipped from sea to shining sea
And then some!

dear sweet ladies, my heart outpours and feels the need to share, perhaps for the first time in my life, she's no longer hiding.

I to was molested, from the age of 5 until 11
by an uncle...upon telling, I was denied to play with my cousins, whom he was also molesting...and called the black sheep of the family.

I stayed recluse, by choice due to the beatings, fear of screaming and yelling by my mother, I was never any good, to fat, to thin, hair to short, to long...you know the routine, and feared all big people were like her?  

She blamed me for her single life...having to work 3 jobs to keep us fed.  I went to work in a bakery at the age of 13, then a waitress at 16, and handed every cent I made to her, not begrudginly, but because I wanted to help...reminding myself now, that she did the best she could do, physically and mentally.  

I've been rejected by woman all my life, maybe b/c it was that I was raised with boys...later in life worked with men and have been told, I'm way to cut and dry... a straight shooter, which I guess people normally don't like?  I dunno

I attached myself to a woman who lived across the street when I was 5, who took me in under her wing, and accepted me...followed her around like a little puppy dog, asking questions, listening...she was my lifeline, with whom I was blessed.  I'm still there, with her, and owe her my life, normality and faith.

My very first boyfriend, cheated on me with my very best girlfriend, I married him, don't ask me why, long story.  From that marriage came a very special gift...my son.

But the man kept on cheating with that supposidly best girlfriend.

I married again, later...to a man for 10 years, who beat me just to keep me in line, keep me from expressing...I'm not complaining, it's just that I didn't know any better, that there was any better of a life out there...then

after that...

I married one more time, and the mental abuse was devestating, actually worse then being physically beaten...that lasted 14 years, and to be honest, still wonder sometimes if I'm sane.  The lies and deceipt were devestating. I ran from him with nothing but the clothes on my back.

Then I gave my heart away one more time, and we both hurt each other, immaturity, confusion, fear and lies, on both of our parts.

Seclusion for me, has become a safe haven, and it is through writing, only for the past 5 years, that I've learned to not be afraid to speak opinion, or to turn and run...poetry, writing, art, is a learning experience...thank you Ron, as I've been involved with web sites before, that were, shall we say, not so endearing or morally considerate of others.

Now, I live in recluse, and women still find it hard liking me...I dunno, maybe it's me...?  Perhaps I say somethings very offensive?  But, the fact of the matter is, I've known people who have had it worse...

There are wonderful people out there, and fine upstanding men...good woman, wives and lovers to their husbands...and here, at PIP
I've been so blessed, as time goes by, with the courage, dedication and friendliness here, the outpour of compassion and support, and Ron, Nan, Sunshine, ode to you and all your hard work to give us such a fine and morally enriching website.

Serenity, you've got talent beyond words...find the blessings and reach for the stars...this thread is one which made me cry tears of joy...gave me courage to share and say...thank God for Life and for People...for the experiences, which in themselves are miracles.

Thank you, even for the hard times, for it is from those hard times I am made stronger for the next...perhaps to witness to another, who is lost and afraid...or simply maybe I'm a glutton for punishment...hehe, ya gotta laugh, right?

Thank you Ladies for your courage, but most of all for your love, I am so thoroughly mezmorized by your incredible wills and dedication to others...

I haven't made a lot of good choices, but have certainly been deemed a wealthy woman, by the power that be....cuz if I weren't I wouldn't have loved, known love and been loved, had a son, a daughter in law, a wonderful baby girl grand baby...a loving friend from NJ who calls me every single weekend...and for many people who have simply been there...even strangers...

Great thanks to Liz, to Martie, and to another poet friend, Bonnie, JL, & DS for your advice.

For the opportunity to meet Nan, in person, what a wonderful event that was...so Mysteria, I cannot imagine, well, yes I can...the love core of her family....

Forgive me, I tend to get really sappy and long winded...and so, God bless you all and keep you safe, in your times in need, thank you for listening and for reading...cuz, here of late, I've just begun to not be so ashamed anymore.  

Sincerely,
Lee J.

Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
55 posted 2005-05-06 02:06 PM


Lee?
Come here..



Please step into Serenity's garden
and sit awhile with your Pip sisters.

You are such a brave and loving woman.
I am overwhelmed with emotion..
and the gut honesty of this thread.
I love you all...my sisters.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
56 posted 2005-05-06 02:07 PM


Lee?

I like cut and dried...


jellybeans
Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298

57 posted 2005-05-06 02:51 PM


I think this is the best of the best....wow....have no words...course that's nothing new...sigh...this touches deep places....and aspires to the highest
latearrival
Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499
Florida
58 posted 2005-05-06 03:13 PM


Serenity thank you for this beautiful thread. May I reply to Lee now?
Lee, I took to you when first I saw your photo. I love anyone who can have a beautiful laughing smile.  And I love honesty or raw, if you will. It touched me. The words you write go to my heart even when I do not comprehend. I am not educated. I love the flow of words and sometimes forget I do not even know what I am reading. But I have read nothing  but love and understanding from you. Here is my hug, grab it and keep it around you.  I am large enough to give a strong one.  A substitute mother as you have is worth her weight in gold.  Who ever said every woman knew how to mother? My mom was an orphan at 12 and she and her three sisters and brother went to live with grandparents.  Dixie has taught me about that. I wish I had talked more to my mom about her early life. She was open and honest too.  I am sure she would have talked to me. She did not know how to  show her love to me in the way I needed it.  I later learned, there is no way she could have known how another needs to be given or shown love. I think each person brings to the table his or her needs and if they are all different how is a poor mother to know ? Because I had six kids, three boys and three girls, I soon learned each had different needs and each  had their own inner reference on how a mother should be.  She tried, maybe it was I who withdrew.  But my Dad was a nurturer and  the love I had for him sustained me.  Funny as he was a good "mom" , teaching me how to wash dishes, iron, sew on buttons, ( he had been 4 years in the infantry so learned all these things), and even stroke the furnace. Thought I had two brothers he trusted me to bank it and open it up after school. I did this in the sixth grade. I honored his trust, but he did not show emotion.  If I went to kiss him he always turned his cheek. Those were different times and what did he know about hugs and kisses after my infancy ? His mom had died early in life too.  He only knew how to show his love through hard work and caring.  And the love he showed my mother was enough to teach me, men are good. He took in her sisters and her brother worshiped him too. For that I give credit for my own good marriage. I knew no different, having never seen meanness. I must have thought all men were gods.
     Lee, Thank you for your open story. I know it was hared to do. But I am sure you feel better now for having done it.Please do not have misivings about sharing. Let it go now if you can and enjoy. love, jo


Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
59 posted 2005-05-07 12:13 PM


when you feel the chair
  pulled out from underneath
but your legs are not yet long enough
  to reach the floor

oh....

look out the window
watch the little birdies fly
send your heart and soul elsewhere

and believe
you are free in spirit

and when you are done
cleaning up
pouring whatever annointing oils
you can find over the wounds

you still know what wings are for
and why your spirit must soar
(even with broken wings)

and in your heart you know
the skies are always blue
somewhere

~touching this blue screen~

  

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

60 posted 2005-05-07 12:28 PM




Thank you sistah Kacy.

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
61 posted 2005-05-07 02:07 PM


Oh God, Lee you are so brave
Bless your strong soul, that write totally blew me away and Kacy?

My God, always here to lift us all up from the floor, aren't you?  (Thank God)



That made me smile so very much.  

I am proud to be a woman.

Thank you . . . all of you.

(Vic?  where is your write, huh?)    

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
62 posted 2005-05-07 05:45 PM


Thanks to Marty, my internet mom, for directing me here. You are loved

thanks to Karen and all who have contributed to this piece to make this beautiful thread

I will have to print it out and read thoroughly when my eyes are in better shape. But what I've read so far has just touched me beyond what I can say.



serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

63 posted 2005-05-07 09:12 PM


Lee? How could I forget to hug you?

tsk...shame on me.



And Dixie? it's about time you got here lady.

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...
64 posted 2005-05-07 10:15 PM


Well, Sue...

I don't think I really have much worth contibuting...

and?...

I think you're all doing just fine without me...

but thank you for asking...

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
65 posted 2005-05-07 10:18 PM


plbbt!
get yer *** in this thread and bleed
for the love of God or I will start talking like this ya'll kner I's werz gointa be comin' down'n yer fer dis
her writ'in stuff I's nose yer can do's it Miss Vicka . . .

Look what you have done now, you let out one of my alter egos . . .

Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
66 posted 2005-05-07 10:37 PM


I have already shared my story in poetry...and I don't think I can say it any better then I did in this one poem....however I do realize even more so, that I am not alone.  Thank you all for sharing yourselves this way.     

Guilty of Innocence

I had my share of guilt,
guilt for looking too many times in the mirror,
guilt for not being a better person,
guilt for the secrets I kept.

My head always pounded
as though God was seeing
into my sinful heart.

Behind the memories
the memories of tetherball,
cowboys and Indians,
games of ping pong
and the friendly squeak of the porch swing,
was something sinister,
something I couldn’t talk about
to anyone, not even God.

In my memory I can still see the house
and I can hear my grandmother
imitating the mocking bird’s call,
"Cheer-up, cheer-up", she’d call to the sky
and the walnut tree.

An enormous thing happened to me
in that house, behind the innocence
of lemon aid and cracking walnuts open
with the old nut-cracker,
so enormous that it cowered
in my memory
and refused to come out of hiding.
Its secret so enormous that
it paved every pathway I took
trying to avoid it.

The enormous thing
was grandfather’s visits
to that back bedroom,
that fore-poster bed,
late at night
when mocking birds are sleeping.

I had no words for
or knowledge about the things he did.
He touched me with his foul hands
and breathed on me breath
tainted by his own corruption.

So, at nine I would recite
The Lords Prayer each night.
I felt like I was walking
through "the valley of the shadow of death"
and I was very afraid of the evil
that I recognized there.
"Deliver me from evil," I prayed.

How could I be delivered from it?  
I had come to believe
that the evil was me.
  
I have had much forgiving to do.

Like blowing leaves down the street,
my memories pass.
But, like a horror movie
about hell, I see the re-run
again and again as the wind circles
to pass it by me once more.
Each time the cracks
that were made in my heart bleed
and each time I understand more.

I can look directly in my mirror now.
There are no more secrets.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
67 posted 2005-05-07 10:50 PM


Thank you, Sissie...



I love you, too.

latearrival
Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499
Florida
68 posted 2005-05-07 10:58 PM


"There are no more secrets now"  What wonderful sounding words. Yes it is out and now it can be put back where it can no longer harm. Never be wholly forgotten, but out in the open where no one can hurt you now but the black memories. I pray for all of you wonderful women, that life can and will go on more peacefully. You can look anyone in the eye with head held high.  Be proud of who you have become. Love, martyjo
pharon
Member
since 1999-11-13
Posts 251
alabama
69 posted 2005-05-07 11:56 PM


voices all rising
telling the hurt the pain
shame
misplaced guilt
  and for some
first time blame
above all the seeds of power
     strength and love
that from tragedy did bloom
a most amazing field of flowers

no longer hiding in the shadows
but out in the open
   drinking the sweetness of
the rain to wash the black and blue
leaving room only for the life of color
  the rays that beam
on leaves and limbs
  tenderly down for once
no longer afraid to reach up
those with broken stems
held by those with wounds
now healing
all together forming
this most beautiful field of flowers

i do not see black
nowhere here is blue
present only is a prisim
yellow orange green
and
  not infected by the
  blue blood that is so hard to remove
only bright clean beautiful red
embracing the power
so much easier now
with this field surrounding

garysgirl
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237
Florida, USA
70 posted 2005-05-08 06:06 AM


WOW!!!
ice
Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404
Pennsylvania
71 posted 2005-05-08 06:12 AM


A world class poem, matched by world class replies...Thank you serenity and friends...

-----------ice
   ><>

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

72 posted 2005-05-08 07:38 AM


I used to run a support group for abused women out of my home.

Before I started, I kept in mind that the statistics showed that one out of four women are molested as children.

After I ran that group for ONE MONTH--I realized that statistic was more than likely wrong.

One out four women will talk about it. (It is, at least, fifty-fifty in actuality.)

"A woman chile ain't safe in a world fulla men." --The Color Purple

(and please, that's not an indictment of all men, and I would love to see a similar thread regarding men's experiences--gawd knows, I need some insight today. )

Thanks to all. and Lee J? please write me, and those who do? (Write me, I mean.) I'm blushing here, but let me know who you are, as I haven't been in the email swing of things, so I don't know to whom I am replying half the time. sigh. sorry? *wince* but grin?)

AND VICKY HAD BETTER POST A SOMETHING HERE.

GRIN AND GRRRRR...

GG
Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532
Lost in thought
73 posted 2005-05-08 07:51 AM


It's not the same thing.... I mean, you guys have been through more. But it's almost five AM, and I can't sleep, and I was reading the thread and I just wrote. Love you all. Hang in there, ladies.

House was my favorite
and nobody would play with me
but I dressed the dolls up
and fed them, and in the night
they'd die. Not because I hated them,
like her. I knew that death was easier.
I gifted them with graves and
cried myself to sleep.
Who understands suicidal
six-year-olds? How did she not
recognise I needed more then nothing.

Kids can't be your feet,
or hands, or shoulders.
Even calling me her Slave.
They loved her because of me,
and I was glad to give her that.
Kids should speak, you know...
except she didn't.
I'd smile and go back
to vacuuming on hands and knees
and scrubbing dirty floors for her.
How did she not know that
I should say more than "I love you"?

I knew that she might kill yourself,
and knew that it would be my fault
'cause, afterall, it was my job
to make sure things were all okay,
to make life easier for her.
She taught me that my only reason
was to make her feel better
and that I could only feel love if
she gave it to me.
She didn't. And still, since she left
- abandoned us...
I hate myself for wondering
how to make her smile.

He was a man of sorrows
...I am a girl of tears.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

74 posted 2005-05-08 07:56 AM


*saving this*

because I know you

and oh m'lady

what a gracious gift you are...indeed, God's girl.

thank you m'heart

thank you and yes, touching the screen
as this broke my heart
my daughter took care of me for a year, and I feel so guilty.

sigh



thank you lady

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

75 posted 2005-05-08 08:00 AM


and who understands suicidal six year olds?

I think I do. Though six year olds don't generally understand that they are suicidal. They just react.

(and hey? it's possible to live off of Ramen noodles)


GG
Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532
Lost in thought
76 posted 2005-05-08 08:16 AM


I refused to think of it as 'suicidal' for several years. Didn't like how selfish it sounded. Because of what went on around me I knew that what I wanted wasn't an okay thing, though, so I never acted on it (er, never attempted it, that is).  And I didn't talk, and knew how to act, so they never knew.

And ohh I didn't want this to cause any guilt. It was different, I'm sure, and they shouldn't be compared.

(Ramen noodles are sounding more and more appetizing every passing day...)

He was a man of sorrows
...I am a girl of tears.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
77 posted 2005-05-08 08:28 AM


Ramen noodles are terribly satisfying, extraordinarily inexpensive [heck, 5 pkg for $1.00? read cheap...] and hubby goes through them as a nightly snack just about - every night.

Serenity...the doors you've opened are the gateways to survival.  Will be sending you mail, soon.


serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

78 posted 2005-05-08 08:30 AM


smile...hey girlie, you didn't cause any guilt.

That was clitorally built in.

(really was a joke, I think)

and the things I love about you?

Well, this tenderness you have for our senior peoples? My Dad had it too. He knew how to shake an old man's hand that left him not just with dignity, but feeling stronger.

That sorta thing is a gift. And you've got it lovie. so hugs.

I should go sleep now...and oh I wish I could bring you to my mom's today.

You two? well, sheesh.

She'd love you. but then? that's an easy deal.


serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

79 posted 2005-05-08 08:32 AM


and SUNSHINE!



today...is not a good day until, I find my mom, so now I sleep.


scorpio
Member Ascendant
since 2002-10-02
Posts 5178
right...there
80 posted 2005-05-08 09:14 AM



Emotionally poweful writing!!

believe in what your heart feels...

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
81 posted 2005-05-08 09:17 AM


Sleep, baby, sleep...
let still waters run fast, and deep
to carry you on dreams come true...
and find you times
you will not rue..

sleep, baby, sleep...

kayjay
Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015
Oregon
82 posted 2005-05-08 09:59 AM


No words come to me for this except admiration for the strength and healing this offers to those who suffered but have not spoken.  
However difficult this is, Karen, you've given a beautiful give of love to those who here shared their lives.  Ken

Through rubble and trouble and dark of night
The yawn of a dawn will hasten the light

Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
83 posted 2005-05-08 10:57 AM


Were I to live again at God’s bequest
I would indeed first plea a dire prayer
As naked skin’s immersed in shivering air
While wrapped in fragrances of newborn breath
No, no, my plea would have to be addressed
Before the birth, before a seed had dared  
Unleash it’s form into a waiting snare
And settled into life’s most sacred nest

The prayer would be presumed before my birth
That I be folded in a tight embrace
By one who would endow my soul with worth
And look with earnest honor at my face
With loving words to light the ends of earth
Within the aura of a mother’s grace

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

84 posted 2005-05-08 10:59 AM


*tears*

(the good ones)



Thank you lady Santos

Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
85 posted 2005-05-08 12:28 PM


I may attempt to write another reply later (I'm having a difficult time putting some memories into words)
But then, so many of you have already provided me with a cathartic release, vicariously re-living bitter moments that try to stay buried deep within the marrow of me. And for me, I've always felt guilty that I secretly begged God to kill the ones who violated me.
Sad to say, but I agree about those statistics, and have spent a lifetime praying they go to zero.

Mysteria
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
86 posted 2005-05-08 12:28 PM


Karen ~ He knew how to shake an old man's hand that left him not just with dignity, but feeling stronger.

I wished I knew just one person alive like that to touch them only once!

Liz ~ You wonder why I made you "Mother Of The Decade"long ago?  When someone says they are "all heart" they are surely talking of you.  Boy do I wish I was at your house today!

This thread has inspired me to finish a book I started a LONG time ago.  I just realized that no matter how disturbing my life was at least it was interesting I guess.  

Happy Mother's Day everyone, now I am off to go ride an elephant - seriously!  See, some good things actually did happen to me, so they will to everyone!

This thread is a book in the making!

timothysangel1973
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Senior Member
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725
Never close enough
87 posted 2005-05-08 12:55 PM




You words have spoken to me this morning, and I say thank you !!

Taking this one back to the top


One is not born a woman, one becomes one.
~Simone de Beauvoir~

Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
88 posted 2005-05-08 01:20 PM


Cheerfully chirp and fly about,
shake your feathers out
get off your knees, please,
find an upward breeze

and oh
that always played my heartstrings so,
to see the robins in springtime
hopping ‘neath mom’s raggedy clothesline

she yelled and screamed
but it did no good;
hearts of wood wouldn’t hear,
begging and pleading fell on deaf ears

get off your knees and smile,
you are alive, aren’t you?
no one wants to hear you complain
any more than to pray for dirty rain

and the deluge was there all the time;
not enough dry days
and even when the sun shone,
you could hear them moan

get up and shake it off, fly about and shout;
the upward breeze feels clean and mild
and when you ride it, you shall stay aloft,
knowing you were always God’s child

GG
Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532
Lost in thought
89 posted 2005-05-08 07:04 PM


Sunshine,
usally 10 for a dollar, here. And With a really good sale, 20! Hmm... that'd be 15 cents for three meals a day. I could do that...

Ser,
what a huge compliment! Thank you! I wish I could have met him. I think it takes a lot of gentle wisdom to be able to be that kind of person, and it sounds like he had that. I do so want to be that and be able to do that...

And I wish I could meet your mom as well. But hey, she's got you today for mother's day, and that's a very good thing.

He was a man of sorrows
...I am a girl of tears.

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
90 posted 2005-05-08 08:32 PM


I still eat Ramen noodles . . .

hmmm . ..

Happy Mother's Day everyone and for those of you that do not have children, I suspect you have a bunch of adopted ones here  

*waving*

This writing is blowing me away . . .

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...
91 posted 2005-05-09 03:20 PM



Karen?...

I wish I COULD post something here...

Unfortunately, I have some major
writer's block going on right now...

It's there... I can feel it...
but it just refuses to come out...

but?...

Thank you...

You KNOW I love ya, lady...

jellybeans
Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298

92 posted 2005-05-09 03:52 PM


ah I am with vl...major writers block...cept I could'nt even swear something is in there waiting to come out....sigh...
but I took this whole thread home on disk to read over the weekend....and wow...just wow...this is the kind of sharing that shows the world who poets really are...
outstanding!!!

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

93 posted 2005-05-12 03:47 AM


way back in thread number 2? I think it was that, Sue asked if this went off the boards, then someone should bump it.

smile...

so I did.

vic? jb?

just a little memory...that's all.

I love this thread and I'm saving it.

Y'see? There's a little girl that I forgot to take care of, and she is me, and if all I can do is remind you all to do that, then it's a good thing--ain't it?

(one memory, one good strong memory of kid strength...please join us, vic, jb? and anybody else feeling shy...)

I need to go back before I can go forward.



Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

94 posted 2005-05-12 10:10 PM



Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
95 posted 2005-05-13 08:56 AM


Y'see? There's a little girl that I forgot to take care of, and she is me,

And she is us.

This sullen, soggy morn
brought with it
memories of a long ago
when the boarder came
befriending the innocent
adults of age...

befriending
the children of their
trusting love...

Weeks multiplied
and months of fatherly
attentive hugs
were replaced with requests
to sit the lap
and snuggle in...

things my grandfather
could not physically do,
and like the
uncle the boarder wanted to be,
the old man got his wish...

I don't recall, now,
what her green eyes saw,
or what her spine felt...
or how many red flags it must
have taken to sour her trust,

but I do remember
the sullen, soggy morning
when the old man
was asked to leave

before the boarder
could cross a border
from which there may have been
no return...

suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
96 posted 2005-05-16 12:40 PM


I am so glad this came back up... Life keeps interfering with my poetry time... but to have missed this would be to have missed something wonderful... not just poetically... but the sincerity of sharing reminds me we're all connected... even when our footsteps echo in empty rooms, we are not alone.

Thank you, serenity... for an incredible poem... and all that follows.

GG
Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532
Lost in thought
97 posted 2005-05-17 03:54 AM


I was at youth group last week, and in my smallgroup of girls we were discussing this subject. Over half had been molested in some way. They're all 14-17 years old!!

I wrote of things I faced, but never did I have to face that, and I wish so much that none of you had to, either.

I want to bump this back up again because I know there are more of you out there who hold that defiling pain inside, and I can only imagine the tiniest bit of how hard that must be. You didn't deserve it, and it should not have happened to you...

He was a man of sorrows
...I am a girl of tears.

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
98 posted 2005-05-17 04:19 AM


Kari?  that was beyond amazing  


serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

99 posted 2005-05-17 04:26 AM


nodding

Kari?

Suze?

GG and Ruth?

They say the statistics are one out of four women--molested/raped.

I have calculated my own poll, and I would say it's actually 3 out of 4.

(I added an extra, because there are women who won't acknowledge it all.)

Someone wise told me recently that I can't wish the past away, but I actually have to learn to love that part of me too.

Now that's powerful.

And a helluva challenge.

hugs to all and oh my thank you


Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989

100 posted 2005-05-17 08:21 AM


And we never understood why

this was Grandpa,
why weren't we allowed
to know him,
to be near him

and just why in the hell
there was so much animosity

but we were children
perhaps to young to understand
or was it that we
were being shielded
by an unconditional love
of a father that had been
everything to girls of three

and we grew, times changed
and slowly, little by little
we began visiting Gram
out on the farm,
and being kids we loved it there
fresh country air
and the barn where we played..

the barn
where reasons surfaced
and I was exposed
to the hidden secrets

and the whats and whys

oh why did Grandpa have to try?

And then the story began to unfold
twas only then the horror and truth
was ever told

I prayed to God
why oh why
did she suffer
and did she cry...

It was around the time
that I was fifteen...

and to this moment
I remember the day
and the horrid awful way
he tried to do the same to me

twas only then we learned the truth...

LeeJ
Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296

101 posted 2005-05-17 08:39 AM


Donna, sweet Donna, we've been made a little stronger, hopefully to help others, perhaps we are God's tools...?  I dunno, but I do know, it wasn't our fault, and we ought to do all within our power to prevent this from happening to anyone again....we absolutely should, seriously...form and demand stricter laws...no one should have to endure the shame but the preditor....our society ignores this, way to much, and I believe they turn they're heads due to shame, due to denial...until it comes close to prey on a loved one...but this should come out of the closet and be addressed firmly and abruptly...I'm so danged tired of our laws being to easy on the criminal/preditor?  

Love and hugs


suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
102 posted 2005-05-17 09:31 AM


serenity... you're gonna have to share your bubble wrap technique. *G* And... have you ever unrolled some down the hall and danced on it? *G*

I wrote this several years ago and a few friends have read it, but I've never posted it... forgive the length... it's almost a book but it's me and I'm old? *G* Such bitterness isn't my usual state of mind... but the conviction that I'd kill to prevent another kid from having my memories is. *S*

Pretend It Never Happened

Twice every Sunday, I sat in church
Being force fed lessons of wrong from right -
That didn't count the special services
Or weekly prayer meetings on Wednesday night.

Sex was a subject not mentioned at all
Pamphlets introduced me to puberty
Then hands found places I knew they should not -
You let it continue - How could that be?

I ran for help but found scolding instead
Permission granted was the message sent
With no escape, I could only endure
But it never happened... so I'd pretend.

I'd hear my friends talk about all their dates
And as they discussed just how far they'd go
I couldn't imagine wanting such touch
But I didn't let my revulsion show.

Ironically, you pushed me to marry
Afraid, I guess, that I might cause you shame
So though I knew well I was not in love
I acquiesced and assumed someone's name.

But he had his own secrets, lacked desire
It was easy to claim that my abuse
Had turned me into a frigid ice cube
Too unattractive for any man's use.

I almost lost myself during those years
Shattered woman at last filed for divorce
You just hoped I wasn't ruining my life
Uncaring that I'd been taken by force.

I didn't think I would ever quite heal
But eventually, I learned to cope
Though the thought of loving relationships
Was something for which I held out no hope.

When I referred to my sexual past
I only counted times I had some choice
And still it took endless years, bitter tears
Until I could give my questions a voice.

Why didn't you stop him so long ago?
Why didn't you take your own daughter's side?
By silencing protests and cries for help
You issued a monster his own free ride.

And it felt you betrayed me once again
Telling me I should just hush and forget
Rage boils, anger seethes... I needed answers
Instead of the play-dumb avoidance I met!

If someone hurt my child like he hurt me
I'd tear open his chest, rip out his heart,
Chew it as corrupt eyes glazed in dying
Then vomit the filth in effort to thwart

His twitching carcass from causing more pain -
Without hesitation, I'd make his death
As painful as humanly possible
If I knew what he'd done... and still had breath.

But you think it is not worth discussion
Perhaps you just know you have no excuse
For allowing your blood, your progeny
To be subject to such horrid abuse.

Remember, you still hurt that a coin
Given you as a child was lost to theft...
But you refuse to even acknowledge
That stolen innocence left me bereft.

You just pretend nothing ever happened
Ignore the fact that you failed to protect -
While I have finally shed most shame
And at last am finding some self-respect.

So I'll leave you with twisted illusions
And go on allowing you to pretend
For pressing you would just cause still more pain
And that wouldn't insure the nightmares end.

Only I can rob my past of its power
So I will not beg for what you can't give
See, I have finally found acceptance
And long overdue, I'm learning to live.

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989

103 posted 2005-05-17 09:38 AM


Ruth, hugging you tightly for this.....

Karen....

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
104 posted 2005-05-17 09:43 AM


And long overdue, I'm learning to live.

~*~

God bless you, sweetie...

Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
105 posted 2005-05-17 09:50 AM


I keep coming back to this thread, knowing each time I read it I shall end up crying. Does that make me a masochist, or just another knowing sister who has finally accepted her own version of this story? Sisterly safe hugs to all.
But I am still amazed at the direction this thread took, and occasionally have to re-read your original post, Karen.

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215
Realms of Light
106 posted 2005-05-17 10:01 AM



The deplorable memories, I keep them at bay,
For they would impinge on my living each day.
My body was fragile, but my mind I kept strong.
I was only a child when that man did me wrong.

LeeJ
Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296

107 posted 2005-05-17 11:07 AM


you know, a few day after my testimony to this thread, I went out for break, and for some odd reason, a woman who was out there that I've known for years, blirted out, I was sexually abused as a child...I was shocked, and didn't yet reveal my story, just basically listened to her, and thought about her testimony for days after, until I saw her again...and thanked her...she said, for what?  I said, for having the courage to not be ashamed...and then gave her a brief rundown on my story.  She to, was surprised.  

My second point is this...this, has apparently been going on since the beginning of time...and it was not uncommon in our day, can you even begin to imagine, just how more prevelent it is today, with so many more people?  Not to mention the preditors walking around free?  

We were taught to keep things quiet and not complain, and now, with all the child abuse amongst the church, and people are not horrified that this has happened?  I can't believe how so many people turn a deaf ear to this, and don't demand even the church be cleaned up?  I'm shocked that this issue is constantly swept under the rug, and silenced?  It's really time, and I say this in brutal honestly, that this stuff be brought to justice...no one knows the complications that arise from this...except those who've gone thru it...

I commend John Walsh...really I do....

And to those of you sisters that have had to endure this, God bless you sweet ladies...your one incredible bunch of special people...

and remember, b/c of what we've been through, you've gotta really love someone to share that special and only gift you have to offer, so don't feel badly if you couldn't when you were expected to.  

Love you all, and thank you Serenity...you don't know the milestone that happened here in this lady...I'm not ashamed anymore...and it's like a weight has been lifted. I consider myself lucky, my cousins got the brunt end of it...all 4 gals...and when I was little, I was the oldest...and didn't tell right away, cuz I was afraid, he'd go after them...if I'd not be allowed to go there anymore...little did I know, he started with them already...we, didn't even mention it until much later in life, after we were long married???

Gives new meaning to the words, bless the child, doesn't it?

Touching the screen and hopefully all of you...

God, I wish this country would do something to deter this, or at least put a dent in this issue...put these guys away for good, cuz they don't do a thing to contribute to society...and, by the way, in some of their deranged minds, they actually believe, society is wrong, and they're right?????

I'll tell you straight, God help the man, who ever puts his hands on me again, uninvited...hehe or any child I know, for that matter...and maybe, that's what we have to do, really stand up for these children and make a difference?  


littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
108 posted 2005-05-17 12:42 PM


I was thinking that if you put 10 women in a room, 8 of them would have been/are emotionally, physically, sexually abused . . . and the other two would have been a witness to it.

Hugs to all of you . . .

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

109 posted 2005-05-17 05:06 PM


As with all things in life...there are two sides to every coin and there is a silence that is deafening from the brotherhood that also carries this pain as well. The "macho" expectations and the shame often silence the male victims from ever telling anyone or seeking help. It is a violation against innocence and its damage knows no boundaries of race, religion, or social status. The offenders arent always the "perv" down the street and they arent always male.
Strong statistics show that many times the offender was the victim first as often the cycle begins this way...
please be clear--I am not, in anyway defending anyone, but if we want the cycle of pain to be broken there must be more focus on getting healing emotional support in place for the victims from early on. All too often a family's shame and fear keep the secret and sadly they try to "hush" it all away, or hope that "time will heal" ... we victims know it doesnt. A LOUD voice must be given to this along with new legislation, AND funding to back it up. Education and communication is key.
There should be no price tag on innocence...

in a perfect world right?

yes...out of the mouths of babes....

heart-hugs to all who share and to those who havent yet found their voice.


KA? once again your honesty offered many a comfort zone...sanctuary....
you are both brave and strong...more than you yet know.
I love you me twin.

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

110 posted 2005-05-17 05:30 PM


Oh this aches

to all

kayjay
Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015
Oregon
111 posted 2005-05-17 05:52 PM


I come back  to read again the story of some children's lives.  I feel the expressions here are statements of tremendous strength and valor.  If disclosure is one step toward healing, this is a very healing thread.  Ken

Through rubble and trouble and dark of night
The yawn of a dawn will hasten the light

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200
Between the Lines
112 posted 2005-05-17 06:11 PM


I am overwhelmed from reading all of you...
and am actually speechless(those who know me would find that near impossible)

hugs to all for yesterday, today and tomorrow~~

M

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
113 posted 2005-05-17 06:37 PM


Thank God for men like Ken...who come, and read, and acknowledge...

I know there must be several other men who are reading this thread...some of whom have experienced their own shadows...this is not a plea for them to share [even though they could, if they wish], but it is a nod of understanding that they wouldn't keep coming back to read, if they didn't hold close to the sisters' candle....

A quiet, gentle, "brava", serenity...for not asking me THAT favor....


vlraynes
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...
114 posted 2005-05-17 07:23 PM



Well, Karen...

I started reading this thread again..and I made it through the first couple of pages and then, I had to stop reading...because my mind was busy writing...

I don't have many memories of 'childhood strength'... I think most would say I was anything BUT a 'strong' child...

and I have not been through nearly as much as so many of you other ladies have... my childhood experiences are very different... and to some, probably insignificant... so I apologize if my memories don't really 'fit in' here... but to me?... they still haunt...

and though I am still not so good in groups... this feels like a safe place to share... so I will...

________________


I was never good in groups...

for those who listened
one-on-one
when joined together
always found the need to
laugh... mercilessly at
me... and my fragile heart...
so I learned to be
silent

friends and enemies were
one and same back then
depending on the
day of week... hour of day...
and lines were blurred
leaving me to question
who... or when...
to trust

so I didn't... trust...

and I learned that
'lonely' is most painful
when one is not alone
and childhood times of
parties and
sleepovers became
dreaded forms of
torture

last to sleep...
first to wake...
always fearing
the next cruel joke

I found safety in their slumber
they couldn't hurt me then

Summer time...

I cried at camp...
not because of 'homesick'...
no... I loved the woods
I still do...
I could escape there...
safe among the squirrels and
doodlebugs...
I learned from the
doodlebugs, you know...
hiding like they did?
Yes.. I learned to
'hide' quite well...
even when others
thought me
visible
they didn't know
I wasn't really
there

That's how it was the day
we visited the graveyard
I don't remember why we went
I'm sure there was a reason
something they wanted us to see
to learn
but I didn't hear...
I was deep inside myself
remembering her...

my grandma

She found me that day
there in the graveyard...
as if she knew
I needed her... and
she smiled at me
through clouds
and oh
how I wanted to run to her
and I did...
not an outward running
but in my heart...

I ran...

as close to her as I could get
till I was haulted
by the railing that kept me from
falling...
into the sky
to be with her
I stood there for what seemed
forever...
I stared... and cried
I missed her so...
she was the one who loved me
who understood me...

I didn't want to leave her there
but dried my eyes to
hide the tears...
the 'me'...
so they wouldn't laugh... but
I couldn't hide
my heart that day
and they saw... and
in a voice of
'friendship'
they asked what was the matter

"nothing"... I lied
not believing they cared...
but they persisted...
and I was a child...
in need of comfort...
in need of a friend...
and I confessed...

"I miss my grandma"...

I didn't tell that I had seen her
that would be too much trusting
but to my surprise...
relief...
there was kindness
understanding...
and they listened...
until they learned that
time had passed
since my grandma
had done the same
and I should be 'over it' by now
or so they thought
and they mocked... and laughed...
and left me alone with myself
broken...
feeling more alone
than ever before

and that's
when I learned
that I didn't
matter

the 'grown-ups'
in their well-meaning way
told me to 'pretend'
to act like it didn't hurt
to laugh at myself
when I was made the
butt of the joke
'laugh with them'
and you won't be
so much
FUN
to pick on...

So I listened...
and I laughed with them...
even when it hurt...
ESPECIALLY
when it hurt...
and those days were the
beginning of the
end of
'me'

________________


Thank you, Karen...

Love you, lady...

Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
115 posted 2005-05-17 07:41 PM


"and oh
how I wanted to run to her
and I did...
not an outward running
but in my heart...

I ran...

as close to her as I could get
till I was haulted
by the railing that kept me from
falling...
into the sky"

Vicky?

C'mere...    Thank you.

Serenity~You have once again given us a sanctuary.
A place for healing..and understanding.
For this we will be forever grateful.

To Karen and all my 'sisters' here..
Heart hugs from me to you all  
May God bless each and every one of you!

[This message has been edited by Enchantress (05-17-2005 10:40 PM).]

Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
116 posted 2005-05-17 07:44 PM


Vicky, Ruth, Janet Marie, all you wonderful ladies?     and thank you, Karen!  
Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215
Realms of Light
117 posted 2005-05-17 07:47 PM


I love poets! Although many of my nearest and dearest friends do not write poetry, they each have the soul of a poet!

Every poet has a story ~ or several! They live, and learn, and see, and teach, and feel, and emote, and understand, and fantacize, and appreciate, and ponder ~ and they share. They share their thoughts, their hopes, their dreams, their fears, their hearts, their sorrows, their pain, their joys ~ and their souls.

Our PiP home is truly a family of POETS ~ and I love you all.

Sending loving, healing hugs to each and every one of you!

Linda xo


scorpio
Member Ascendant
since 2002-10-02
Posts 5178
right...there
118 posted 2005-05-17 08:05 PM


A truly inspiration write Karen.  And a testament to the brave and courageous women in Pip.

believe in what your heart feels...

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...
119 posted 2005-05-17 10:31 PM



Nancy & Martie...

I was considering deleting my post...
but I guess it's too late for that now, eh?

Thank you...

Nightshade
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962
just out of reach
120 posted 2005-05-17 10:54 PM


I don't have many memories of 'childhood strength'... I think most would say I was anything BUT a 'strong' child...


Vicky, sweet poetess...I beg to differ. Strength sometimes is not visible to us, but in order to survive...yes, it is there.
Thankyou for sharing this heartfelt memory. Gramma would be very proud.   We are.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
121 posted 2005-05-17 10:59 PM


quote:
I was never good in groups...

for those who listened
one-on-one
when joined together
always found the need to
laugh... mercilessly at
me... and my fragile heart...
so I learned to be
silent

friends and enemies were
one and same back then
depending on the
day of week... hour of day...
and lines were blurred
leaving me to question
who... or when...
to trust

so I didn't... trust...

and I learned that
'lonely' is most painful
when one is not alone
and childhood times of
parties and
sleepovers became
dreaded forms of
torture

last to sleep...
first to wake...
always fearing
the next cruel joke

I found safety in their slumber
they couldn't hurt me then

Summer time...

I cried at camp...
not because of 'homesick'...
no... I loved the woods
I still do...
I could escape there...
safe among the squirrels and
doodlebugs...
I learned from the
doodlebugs, you know...
hiding like they did?
Yes.. I learned to
'hide' quite well...
even when others
thought me
visible
they didn't know
I wasn't really
there

That's how it was the day
we visited the graveyard
I don't remember why we went
I'm sure there was a reason
something they wanted us to see
to learn
but I didn't hear...
I was deep inside myself
remembering her...

my grandma

She found me that day
there in the graveyard...
as if she knew
I needed her... and
she smiled at me
through clouds
and oh
how I wanted to run to her
and I did...
not an outward running
but in my heart...

I ran...

as close to her as I could get
till I was haulted
by the railing that kept me from
falling...
into the sky
to be with her
I stood there for what seemed
forever...
I stared... and cried
I missed her so...
she was the one who loved me
who understood me...

I didn't want to leave her there
but dried my eyes to
hide the tears...
the 'me'...
so they wouldn't laugh... but
I couldn't hide
my heart that day
and they saw... and
in a voice of
'friendship'
they asked what was the matter

"nothing"... I lied
not believing they cared...
but they persisted...
and I was a child...
in need of comfort...
in need of a friend...
and I confessed...

"I miss my grandma"...

I didn't tell that I had seen her
that would be too much trusting
but to my surprise...
relief...
there was kindness
understanding...
and they listened...
until they learned that
time had passed
since my grandma
had done the same
and I should be 'over it' by now
or so they thought
and they mocked... and laughed...
and left me alone with myself
broken...
feeling more alone
than ever before

and that's
when I learned
that I didn't
matter

the 'grown-ups'
in their well-meaning way
told me to 'pretend'
to act like it didn't hurt
to laugh at myself
when I was made the
butt of the joke
'laugh with them'
and you won't be
so much
FUN
to pick on...

So I listened...
and I laughed with them...
even when it hurt...
ESPECIALLY
when it hurt...
and those days were the
beginning of the
end of
'me'

________________

Go ahead dear, delete all you want...
the good stuff stays...


I was waiting, and I knew, even before I saw it, that you and I would share so much, just as so many of our poets have done...

You are so damned precious!

timothysangel1973
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Senior Member
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725
Never close enough
122 posted 2005-05-17 11:30 PM


Don't you dare delete that Vicky I will kick your butt... that is so beautiful, and I am here in tears, because dammitt, kids can be so cruel sometimes... I know...

You are beautiful and everyone that knows anything about YOU at all knows that you carry a heart that would shelter us all in the rain if we needed it too.

Gosh.. I just dont know what else to say except pass the kleenex...

Now, I want to remember what I swore that I would forget... maybe this writing thing is good for SOMETHING after all eh?

Love and hugs to everyone that has summoned the courage to get the hell out of childhood alive !!

Tima

I may hate myself in the morning - but I'm gonna love you tonight
-Lee Ann Womack

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
123 posted 2005-05-18 03:11 AM


If you would have deleted that post
My God it gave me chills, I would have killed you, Vic.

You know when I was reading that
I could so relate
because my childhood
was the very same you see . . .

I was always picked on for being different and you know what I have to say to that now, don't ya?  

Yep, you do, but I cannot say those F words in here . . .

So instead I will just hug you and toss you a kiss in the wind hoping it lands beside your pillow for when you need it . . .
(ok, that sounded a bit strange)
You know what I mean . . . *smile*

I am so damn proud of you right now Vicka Lynn . . .

Do you ever wonder why all of us are here, anyhow?  In PIP . . . think about it . . .
we are all the same . . . because we are different.

I love you, Vicky and admire you for sharing that.  I know it was hard for you.


Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215
Realms of Light
124 posted 2005-05-18 05:14 AM


To all of you that have shared some of your innermost thoughts and feelings ~ and for those of you who have shown compassion and love ~ God Bless You!!!

~ and littlewing's comment "Do you ever wonder why all of us are here, anyhow?  In PIP . . . think about it . . .
we are all the same . . . because we are different."  beared repeating!  

~ Vivre la difference!

(((((((((( ))))))))))
Linda


LeeJ
Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296

125 posted 2005-05-18 06:34 AM


dearest Vickey, you were a blessed child and still are...I know what you've been through, as I to, was the sharp edge of their sword...but, oh, I don't know, since the beginning, somehow I always knew I was different...and really didn't care to be friends with those kids...so it didn't bother me, when they laughed and poked fun...and I became a vigulante of sorts, always fighting for the underdog...I was taller then any kid in my class and full of spunk, not to mention, since I grew up with all boys, packed one heck of a wallop...
Your life girl, means everything to anyone who has ever had the blessed opportunity to know you...don't ever be afraid of speaking out, those who mock, or won't listen, well sis, it's their loss...cuz you've got oddles to share, and a life that's been fruitful, in your awareness and strength through it all...and I bet today, this day, your one heck of a friend and an amazing lady....who would compliment anyone whom you decided to share your heart with. Thank God for Ron and PIP, otherwise, I wouldn't be learning from such enriching people as yourself..every day I walk into these blue pages...you and they are endearing and wonderful people.

Hugs to ya gal...sending blessings and thank you so very much for sharing your story.
Lee J.

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...
126 posted 2005-05-18 05:06 PM



Karilea?...

You play dirty... LOL

Thank you...


Tima & Sue?...

geez... threatening violence...

I think I'm glad I didn't delete it... *grin*

Thank you both...

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...
127 posted 2005-05-18 05:07 PM


Oh...and?...

I know it's not the same...

but?... enjoy...
http://fun.from.hell.pl/2003-11-24/bubblewrap.swf

Try manic mode... and make sure your speakers are on...

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
128 posted 2005-05-18 05:09 PM


I get comboozled when poets
who post wonderful pieces say
"delete me please...."

when you wouldn't have put it here
in the first place
if it didn't have a heart
to belong to...



Yep.  Now and then I make mudpies, too...

[This message has been edited by Sunshine (05-19-2005 06:47 AM).]

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200
Between the Lines
129 posted 2005-05-18 06:09 PM


You know I never belonged either, ( never was very athletic or a cheerleader type)...and  because I was too afraid to ever do anything wrong..or take a risk and enjoy  things that others were enjoying back in the late 60's and early 70's..which I no longer regret since I have seen how many have lost their battles with health problems since then.

But instead I tried to be friends with everyone and exclude no one...and recently at reunions or  when bumping into people...I find they remember me...in a kinder way than I ever thought possible.

I was and still get picked on...even by my brothers. And being overly sensitive it has been an upward battle to not let it show because Vicky, the more we let it show the more they do it...because they wish to see a reaction from us...and not always to be cruel. In fact sometimes it is their( generic their) insecurities.

But I have been very lucky to have had wonderful parents...and I just  brought my Mother north for a ceremony for my sister  this coming weekend. She  gave me many things  to keep (jewelry, birth certificates etc) and  a  letter to my father was in it...she let me read it and was going to throw it away but I  said no..I wished to have it .Here is what it said:

It was written in 1978 on his Birthday
"Dear W,
I'm writing this in case something happens to me, such as in the case of Dad, where he couldn't write or speak. None of us think that anything like that will happen, but it does.
Also I would not want to be put on any support system if my brain or head is gone
(no artificial means)

I just want you to know that I love you
(even though there were some difficult times) but the good ones outweigh the bad.
The children, I am sure, think that you have been a good Father, but they too don't express it. Maybe we should have been more out going in showing our affection for one another and towards each other in front of the children too.........

I know that you will stay in touch with the kids and grandchildren.
I hope that I have made you happy in our years together.
Love
E"



There were  5 of us children (2 from a previous marriage whom my Dad adopted and 3 from both my parents)Parents didn't show much affection to their children, but more to the grandchildren back then.
My parents made it to their 50th anniversary before my Father died...something I was hoping to do, too.

I wanted to show you how lucky I was, to have had a homelife where we were loved, and where our necessities were taken care of even if we didn't realize it at the time...

hugs and love to you all
who went through terrible times~~
M

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
130 posted 2005-05-19 01:50 AM


Don't you see
inside of me when I
cry and scream
and tear my hair in clumps
and crimps and pinch my skin
to make sure I am alive?

My God, how I sigh
not for me but this
frightening thing called life
this jungle
a vineyard of rotted grapes
waiting to burst
inside the palate
just knowing they will turn our stomachs
and make us vomit
truth and hurt and pain.

I cry, I say
for all of us.

Not because we hurt,
but because we are the strong ones, you see.

We are different and we KNOW this.

And that,

is our gift.

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549
By the Seaside
131 posted 2005-05-19 02:24 AM


I lived what I like to think
a charmed life
as seen through the eyes of a child
it was perfectly clear  
however simple it was.

I love my Mother with all my heart
but I still cry to this day for my father
when she divorced him
when he lost his eye sight
and his world went dark
when I was only ten.

At the same time he lost his business
his wife and his children
and his life as he knew it
when I play it back
it's all I can do to contain myself.

But he never lost his sense of humor
or the love for his children
who meant the world to him
and I am blessed to be one of his offspring
that were his pride and joy.

He is my soul inspiration
and always will be
every lesson, he taught me so well
of the loss of my senses
and life's hardships, combined.  

I am all knowing in those moments
and in every memory we made  
he's looking through me
and I can hear him hollering so clearly,
"That's my girl,
gawd damnit Lori, you can do this"

And for everything I didn't understand
I comprehend at the tender age
because I am so there
all my worst nightmares have come true
and I want so much to run to him.

Whatever ails us
is not the beginning or the end
it is what challenges us
to fight the good fight
and I know without a doubt
he will be there for me in the end.

I have since come to terms.
We are not so unique as we like to think,
because everyone is fighting a hard battle.
It is the course of our lives that shape us
that make for the person we have become.

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989

132 posted 2005-05-19 08:58 AM


You all are so very beautiful....

and Lori...I still hear my dad when my struggles are at their hardest..
and you girl....stand so strong in your convictions and are an inspiration to me.

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200
Between the Lines
133 posted 2005-05-19 10:11 AM


all my worst nightmares have come true
and I want so much to run to him.


and so they have Lori, but we will overcome them.

Love you hugs
M

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
134 posted 2005-05-19 01:06 PM


Have been waiting for you my bluesy girl.


timothysangel1973
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Senior Member
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725
Never close enough
135 posted 2005-05-20 01:27 AM


Finding My Way

She left us on a saturday
we never knew why
until years later
when
we finally
gave her the
chance to
explain

You see -
he was injured
by half truths
that had
in time
circled back

She could see
through it
and that is
why she said
"It's over
keep the kids
I will come back
in time."

She did
and he let her
take us
and then...

I sat by the window
on Friday nights
waiting, and crying
and not understanding
when he didnt show

I was ready early
red suitcase in hand
I wanted to
go see my
Daddy

Every other weekend visits
they just aren't enough
for a kid
that is lost
and torn
between a love
and two lives
gone wrong

Years later
she would release
me again -
I lived with
the man with
whom she just
could not

I hated her
for reasons
that even I
didn't understand

He fueled
that hate
because -
He was still
in love with
a vision
of what his life
was supposed
to have been

I waited on her
to make the next
move...
but, she never did
She wanted me
to
Find my own way

I found something
that I thought was
even better...
A man
a man to love
me,
with the same
love that she
had thrown away

In the end,
that was even
worse than
what even they
had shared

And once again
I waited
for someone
anyone
to save me
from myself

I spun
I fell
I self-destructed
I could never
just
Find my way

Until that fall
when I was ready
to say
"I'm finished."

There he was
broken,
bent,
living in a bottle
of amber regret

I reached,
and he grabbed
and together
we got up

And now...
all these
years later
finally
that lost little girl
has finally...

Found Her Way




I may hate myself in the morning - but I'm gonna love you tonight
-Lee Ann Womack

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

136 posted 2005-05-20 02:31 AM


Bluesy? Lady V...and Lee J, and littlewing and all of ya'll--

there is room for happiness here

and smile and blush

I thought I tossed a little pebble in the pond...wasn't expecting the rings to grow like this.

Hugs to you all.

And if I'm silent, it's because I'm overwhelmed.

It's a very trying time in my life (my son said my "chi" is all um...mussed up) and it is

so forgive my lack of participation in this thread, but it gives me joy to know that some find release and healing here.

*touch the screen*

hugs and love

and purple berries...grin

k/serenity

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...
137 posted 2005-05-20 03:20 AM



Lee?.. I am SO sorry, my friend... I truly didn't mean to ignore you up there...

Thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement... it means more to me than you know...

Hugs back to you, my friend...

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...
138 posted 2005-05-20 03:23 AM


Sue?...

Thank you... you know why...




and Karen?...

just hugs...
and a giant dose of understanding...

I love you...

latearrival
Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499
Florida
139 posted 2005-05-20 05:15 AM


Serenity, again ~ thank you for tossing that first pebble and causing rings to form. To all you wonderful, beautiful, intelligent women of Pips who have chosen to post here. I thank you, for I have learned from you. Tonight on Larry King the T.V. evangelist Joyce Meyers told her story of abuse by her father and her mom's not being able to help her. I found it interesting. She has written a book Battlefield of The Minds and I am sure more than one. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone was interested. Best to all , martyjo
kayjay
Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015
Oregon
140 posted 2005-05-20 09:13 AM


Serenity friend, when a story needs open air, one will stand to speak.  You stood, and found a symphony of warmth, love and communication.  Ken

Through rubble and trouble and dark of night
The yawn of a dawn will hasten the light

timothysangel1973
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Senior Member
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725
Never close enough
141 posted 2005-05-24 11:45 PM


Just wanted to give this one a bump for anyone that may have missed it.  It's an inspiration for me now, I come everyday and check to see if anything has been added...

And if not?

It doesn't matter, I just re-read the whole thing once again, and feel a little better when I leave.

Thank you for this Serenity

I think we all needed it !!

Tima

I may hate myself in the morning - but I'm gonna love you tonight
-Lee Ann Womack

Nightshade
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962
just out of reach
142 posted 2005-05-24 11:56 PM


I love you all !!
Our heart stories are each perfect pearls on one, single, golden thread. "Life"

LeeJ
Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296

143 posted 2005-05-25 06:26 AM


I've read this several times and am overwhelmed by the compassion and great warmth that encircles this thread...many thanks and hugs to Serenity for this...to all of you for taking the time to read and comment...yes, it is so beautiful here at PIP, each and everyone of you, make "us" one.  And we are!  Hugs and many thanks to all of you.

Luv
Lee J.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
144 posted 2005-05-25 11:09 AM


Sitting At The Headstone

Sitting at the headstone, picking blades of sullen grass, long, unkempt for summer spent, over and over...I...remember how it was.

I came home to find the gathering of family. Mom wasn't there. I knew. The doctors didn't fix her. God didn't fix her. She fixed her.

We had a lot of friends...kissing my cheek and hugging my neck, squishing me into breasts I didn't care to be in, telling me what a good woman she was and all...like I didn't know.

I wish I didn't know.

I lay on the lawn, looking up into the clouds to ask why. No one answered. People came into view and out again. I couldn't cry then.

In that room, the one where they put the face out for all to look at and say, "looks just like she's sleeping, doesn't it?" I stood, till everyone left out to talk about things so I wouldn't hear. They'd have thought I was crazy anyhow, walking over and lightly shaking her, "are you sleeping mommy?" I touched her dry red hair and kissed her pale forehead..."good night then".

Brother cried one tear. It just streamed. No one really wept. Not even me.

Time. It would pass and the sittings would become fewer and farther between. I brought flowers I picked till they were gone. She took the green thumb with her, you see.

I...remember when I wept. It didn't hit me terribly hard, just from the side so I didn't see it coming. It was like being shot with an arrow and it doesn't hurt until you look down and see it protruding from your gut.

That's when I fell to my knees and never got back up.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
145 posted 2005-05-25 11:18 AM


this is a little long, but it seems like a good place to put it...

Dear Sweet Sister,

If there is one thing that I wish for you to know, and believe with all of your heart, it is this:

You are beautiful. You are powerful. You have strength. You will be okay.

Everything in life happens for a reason. You learn. You grow. But the most important thing you do is love. Never regret love. Never hold it back inside of yourself. That would be selfish. Walls are only good for houses, not for hearts. There will be someone deserving of you. You are too precious to be alone without love. Keep your eyes, and most importantly, your heart, open.

This now, is a death. Grieve it well. I wish I could take the anger and pain from you and bear it myself. But it is yours. It is yours to hold and keep and remember, and to laugh at somewhere in a future sunrise. You own it. God gave it to you. One day, you will understand why. For now, you must just accept it and breathe, and let time pass by.

You will love again. But now, it’s important that you love yourself. Love yourself through the anger.

Cry. Scream. Break stuff. But love yourself.

This is a new direction. This is another step to get you where you are supposed to be. You are brave. Go forth. And do it with a smile. Now you know what true love is not. You are wiser now. You have keener vision. This will aid you in the future.

You are dynamic! Nothing can bring you down and hold you there. You are the essence of love; caring, giving, selfless, undying, inspiring, strong, powerful, and I believe you get back what you give. You deserve much happiness and you will be happy one day when you least expect it.  

One day, you will read this again, and  you will see I was right. You will survive. You will be okay. You will love again. You are beauty. You are strong. You are in control. Make your choices as best as you can, live for today, and leave the light on. Someone is searching for you.

vandana
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Patricius
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463
USA
146 posted 2005-05-25 12:23 PM


liked it
latearrival
Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499
Florida
147 posted 2005-05-26 02:11 AM


Serenity, I think a lot of us come back to read and think about life as we live it.. You have made it happen. Thank you. martyjo

Dixie, I had just reread this the other day and thought you should repost it here. See how close we have become? Two minds with the same thought. It is a good place to put it. Your letter,"Dear Sister", is a good one. I could not tell if someone wrote it to you or if you were writing to Serenity?  always remember You Are Loved. marty

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
148 posted 2005-05-26 05:54 AM


Marty, I wrote it, for a friend that lost love back some time ago. She was so heart broken. But it holds true for all "sisters".

Thank you

Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
149 posted 2005-05-26 06:02 AM


Spent some time yesterday evening in reading this thread again from the beginning and OVERWHELMED is just the right word to say how it made me feel!

It made me want to reach out with a big hug to all of you beautiful souls!

And it stirred the desire to HOWL ... sort of liberating HOWL ... a howl that carries a lot of more emotions asking to be expressed.

Love and THANK YOU.
Margherita

Larry C
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286
United States
150 posted 2005-05-26 08:37 PM


A collection worthy of publication. Incredible. We have the most talented ladies! Okay I may not have the gender down but I still have memories.

I remember my parents
so good at marriage
that at five
I wanted to be
married too.

I remember mom
threatening to
cut her hair
and feeling as if
she would diminish
her beauty and I
was only five.

I remember dad
logging trees
and being so
impressed that he
could make somehting
so tall lay down.

I remember grandpa
sharing his garden
in an "all-you-could-eat" buffet
and my baby brother
falling into the creek
picking rhubarb
and I was only four.

I remember grandma
offering a prize
for a foot race
with my brother
and treating both
the winner and the loser
and I was only four.

I remember my brothers
when they were little
and strutting
because I was so proud
to be seen with them
and I was only six.



If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
151 posted 2005-05-26 08:55 PM



Thank you Larry for sharing such candid memories.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
152 posted 2005-05-26 09:00 PM


"I was only"
poetry such as this
speaks well
of the man who is still close
to yesterday,
but reached
into tomorrow.

God bless you, Larry...for
all that you have been through,
and for the legacies
that carry you forward!

Welcome to Serenity's clubs of heart...

Nightshade
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962
just out of reach
153 posted 2005-05-26 10:58 PM


Bless you Larry.
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

154 posted 2005-05-26 11:07 PM


Larry...

thank you my dear friend


Larry C
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286
United States
155 posted 2005-05-27 11:01 AM


Thanks Ladies as I know this is a high powered club.

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989

156 posted 2005-05-27 11:11 AM


Larry, just sitting here huggin you for sharing your heart.  Yer wonderful.  
GG
Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532
Lost in thought
157 posted 2005-06-02 05:40 PM


Sorry guys... it's not that I meant to lie or anything. It just isn't a truth that I really accept...

And it only happened once,
I didn't face it over again
like an escalator,
only once, and he was young,
so was I. I'm sure he didn't understand
when he asked me if I would,
then told me that I should and
moved me to the place he wanted.

Everyone was playing games
but us, and it was Christmas night.
I said that he was icky,
but no one understood.

It's not like he went all the way,
but really it was just the touch
that ached, haunting me until
it became everything. Burned into
my mind and still won't disappear.

Thanks everyone for letting me do this. You all inspire me more than you know. I'm off to the beach for the weekend, should be fun. Been gone alot, hopefully soon I'll have the chance to catch up with you all. Take care...

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

158 posted 2005-06-02 10:18 PM


sweetheart GG...come here lady.

I love you much for all you do, but your integrity shines.

This is most likely the last time I'll address this thread--I'm amazed myself at what started here, but on a personal level, I think I need to let things be.

But I did want to thank all of you for finding your voice, and your courage -- you all leave me in awe as I ponder the beauty of scars.

Much love and many kisses.

(Write some poetry in the sand, GG.)

Love and peace to you all.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
159 posted 2005-06-03 05:55 AM



littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
160 posted 2005-06-07 09:47 AM


Trapped within a web
of tangled idealism
and thought process
tinkering, tinkering . . .

I need an oil change.

The wheels grind
and rust spurts from my limbs,
leaving shavings of blood
scattered to the winds.


timothysangel1973
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Senior Member
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725
Never close enough
161 posted 2005-06-07 12:47 PM


Had to come in here again, I have been in such a funk the past few days.  School is out for the summer and while that should be a good thing (and the kids agree) for me, it just means more time stuck between four walls with kids and no adult conversation.  Hubby gets to work, we can't afford a vacation and so I sit here with them all day long trying to make the same ole same ole look fun.

I am soooo blessed to have all these wonderful kids.... but geez.... I was gonna be a lawyer or CEO when I was in highschool and all I am really Cheif Executive Officer of is Dishes, laundry, mopping, and dinner.

I try really hard to never complain about my life because I know that it could be worse.  I could have had 2 sets of twins, and I could be married to a loser that wouldn't work haha

I just get in these funks sometimes wondering where my life went among making everyone elses life great.

I do love them I do - I just get bored with being a mom and wife sometimes and crave the life of the single woman on the bar scene having a ball with her friends.

It'll pass, it always does

Anyway..... this thread is full of woman strength and thats why I keep coming back for more.

Tima

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348
Florida
162 posted 2005-06-07 01:04 PM


Tima,

Ah yes, the elusive single woman/bar action envy...

I am single.  Been divorced over 3 yrs.  

I watch TV alone a lot.     The bar thing?  LMAO....it's full of 20 yr olds making eyes at each other...it just isn't fun.  

When I was married, there was a 2 yr period where I didn't work and had a newborn, a 4 yr old and a 3 yr old.  I was bored, under stimulated (intellectually) and was nearing insanity...so I do understand.  

I chose to go back to the Navy at that time. Then when my kids were around 10, 14 and 13..I went back to school.  Full time.  

I know yours are young still...hang in there, there is life after children.  

and the single grass is no greener.  (unless you are in a bad relationship, which you are not).

  enjoy the kids now, soon they will be older and out with their friends all the time.  



"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

[This message has been edited by Susan Caldwell (06-07-2005 03:12 PM).]

Startime55
Member Elite
since 2003-04-05
Posts 2148
Alberta, Canada
163 posted 2005-06-07 02:13 PM


Oh my gosh...ladies you have written words that are not only inspirational but that remind the heart to look and remember the little girl she once was...Absolutely magnificent....*hugs*

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Open Poetry #35 » que sera

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary