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Open Poetry #34
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Nightshade
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just out of reach

0 posted 2004-12-27 08:00 PM




.


.
.
~silver orb of moon
casting tinsel beams of light
rests in heaven's arms~

.
.


Chris Barker
~~~~~~~~~~~~


© Copyright 2004 Chris Barker - All Rights Reserved
Suetang
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since 2001-03-07
Posts 5187
Melbourne, Australia
1 posted 2004-12-27 08:40 PM


Absolutely gorgeous, Chris.  I am guessing this picture was taken at Santorini.

Take care........Sue

I am in motion
I am blue
Love is an ocean
I'm anchored in you
- Shawn Mullins

Enchantress
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Canada eh.
2 posted 2004-12-27 08:43 PM


Beautiful Chris..and the moon does look spectacular tonight.
Good stuff...love ya, Teed~

1slick_lady
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standing on a shadow's lace
3 posted 2004-12-27 08:43 PM


oh my oh my ...breathless
Nightshade
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4 posted 2004-12-27 08:52 PM


Sue, Nancy Lee & Helen - thanyou so much.
The moon is "heavenly" tonight.

JamesMichael
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Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
5 posted 2004-12-27 08:59 PM


Makes me want to take a trip to a remote area and do some photography...James
Margherita
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since 2003-02-08
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Eternity
6 posted 2004-12-27 09:00 PM


And I sigh with you, dear Chris, and Isurrender to the beauty you captured so lovingly!
Love, Margherita

Nightshade
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7 posted 2004-12-27 09:01 PM


Thankyou James and Margherita for your kind comments.

~The soul that can speak through the eyes can also kiss with a gaze~
Gustavo Adolfo Becquer

inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
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Ohio
8 posted 2004-12-27 10:53 PM


take a bow full moon
the sky has delivered you
the sun, her midwife

Beki
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since 1999-09-15
Posts 1569
Newport Beach, CA, USA
9 posted 2004-12-28 02:29 AM


the poem and the picture are beautiful, but fo rhaiku it is a bit wordy, several redundant things which haiku generally does without. If you will allow me?

silver orb of moon
(it would be opretty well understood the silver orb is the moon, no need for the word "moon")

casts tinsel beams of light
(it is also understood that "beams" refers to light, again, to say light is redundant)

rests in heaven's arms
(this one is fine)

possible rewrite that would be a tighter more polished poem....

silver orb
casts tinsel beams,
rests in heavan's arms.

Now that loses a lot in the translation it is true so this is just a place to start to rebuild your poem without being redundant. Perhaps something like:

shiny silver orb
casts sparkling tinsel beams -
rests in heaven's arms.

Ok that is just an example of what I mean by rebuilding the poem from its essentials.


Nightshade
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10 posted 2004-12-28 09:50 AM


inkedlady - thankyou so much for your beautiful response. Hugs!

beki - thankyou for the lesson....but I like my little ditty just the way it is. I know I have alot to learn, and you seem to be very well educated in the correct forms of poetry. Perhaps I will ask you for help in the future. For now .... hugs!!

Beki
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11 posted 2004-12-29 03:19 AM


and of course it is your poem   I don't know how well educated I am in general in terms of forms, but the oriental forms are my specialty..I have published many many haiku and am a teaching moderator at a few sites - considered somethng of an expert on the internet as far as these go. So if I ever can help you  - please ask....
iliana
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since 2003-12-05
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USA
12 posted 2004-12-29 03:25 AM


Loved this, Chris!   .....jo
J.Samm
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Iloilo City, Philippines
13 posted 2004-12-29 03:55 AM


beautiful poetry (and picture too)...i thought this magnificent stuff can only be seen in dreams...naah!
miscellanea
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since 2004-06-24
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OH
14 posted 2004-12-29 03:57 AM


You did it again!  Very pretty.

     miscellanea

passing shadows
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displaced
15 posted 2004-12-29 05:24 AM


a beautiful scene, by a beautiful poet
Sunshine
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Listening to every heart
16 posted 2004-12-29 05:52 AM


Winter seems to always
sharpen the moon...
and its light,
and its
dreams

Nightshade
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17 posted 2004-12-29 12:41 PM


Thankyou all so much for your kind replies.
I was taught by someone very dear to me, that if my own writing .... no matter what form it might be .... or void of form ... as long as I was enjoying myself and perhaps gave some joy to others....that that is what poetry is all about. I am enjoying myself.

skyshine
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Beneath the northern stars
18 posted 2004-12-29 02:56 PM


Beautiful! I love the moon!!

~sky

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas! Jesus is the reason for the season!!

Susan
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since 2004-03-27
Posts 5104
walking the surreal
19 posted 2004-12-29 02:58 PM


The words with the image - sheer perfection Chris-

Hugs - Susan

Every action generates a force that returns to us in like kind . . . let us choose compassion and love

Nightshade
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20 posted 2004-12-29 03:38 PM


sky & Susan, many thanks and hugs!!

~The soul that can speak through the eyes can also kiss with a gaze~
Gustavo Adolfo Becquer

*Alli4000*
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The World of Poetry
21 posted 2004-12-29 06:46 PM


Beautiful....I'm wondering how I missed this before today.

~Alli~

Happy Holidays!

Nightshade
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22 posted 2004-12-29 10:13 PM


How sweet...thankyou Alli !!
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