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Open Poetry #34
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Then the Music Fades...
| Open Poetry #34 |
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Then the Music Fades... |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration 
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she moves like a salamander across the checkered beat of bodies pressed-close-caressing the music as if a familiar lover just waved hands across her thighs. you can see silence in the air between half-lidded eyes and the quickened breath of companion penitents. they gasp in awe, in lust, in love and close like sharks on a wounded seal. but she doesn't see them, doesn't smell them, doesn't care... 'bout anything save the soul of the lapsed lyrics washing her rhythmic evolution from a girl into - women even, as i watch, the boys meld into the periphery, defeated by a veil of protective indifference shimmering beneath the light of her devotion to the tonal chant of this intangible lover. they flock to her, jealousy drained out through the moisture of parted lips. a circle, then, they approach to feel to meld to mix their movements; knees intertwined and spiraling like a good drink of tequila warming the chest, then seeping lower into the loins, where fingertips caress and shelter this goddess of dance from the flailing flock begging a moment's touch, a kiss, a nod - anything but the ignorance of their existence. then the music fades, the music fades. would-be lovers dissipate back in a sigh, wonderment propelling their fantasies for nighttimes to come, so long as it doesn't diminish in the dawn... as all good dreams do. then the music fades and so does she. the music fa... |
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| © Copyright 2004 C.G. Ward - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
OH man..this just flat out rocks... AWESOME imagery....very cool scene depict... Im on the run...but had to say something... more later... good to read you groovy guy...  "this medium is over taken by keyboard prophets who believe their every word profound." |
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babygirlwlove Senior Member
since 2004-10-10
Posts 1180New York City |
ooooo felt the rhythm....lovely, enticing descriptions... love&light, **babygirL** **Intoxicant to the SouL** |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
they gasp in awe, in lust, in love and close like sharks on a wounded seal. ~*~ Christopher...you fade for awhile, and then make a cymballic emergence...loud, and triumphant. Gads, we have MISSED you...but if this is what absence becomes? Then I shall be patient, son. Hugs, Mom |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
"beneath the light of her devotion to the tonal chant of this intangible lover." "a circle, then, they approach to feel to meld to mix their movements; knees intertwined and spiraling like a good drink of tequila warming the chest, then seeping lower into the loins, where fingertips caress and shelter this goddess of dance from the flailing flock begging a moment's touch, a kiss, a nod - anything but the ignorance of their existence." WOW this is just hypnotic.... Kissy Face, it's amazing.  |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
What a fantastic write!!! WOW!! Just wow...I am speechless. Well done sir. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hi C - how you doing? Can't resist this one. How about a piece of brutal honesty - K style. Not good, not good. I read it and thought....hmmmm...do I say anything, or not. And I thought, what the heck, here I am pretending to work heh, I think I will. Why? Weak. Over-flowery. And what on earth is up with that last line? 'wonderment'? Have you had a dose of disney-lyrics lately? I find myself wondering - has happiness dulled your edge? Because your edge has gone from this, and your edge is what keeps your (particular) writing alive I think. Not a criticism actually, just a wondering. Can you see that, if you look at this objectively? Which leads me to wonder - what voice are you writing from? This doesn't read like your first voice...and is this perhaps a (failed?) experiment with another, invented voice? Either way it's just too pithy to me, and doesn't read genuine, or emotive, or 'attached.' I, as a reader, can't relate, can't enjoy and can't feel that this is honest in anyway. Just my thoughts...thought I'd share them. Cheers  K |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
brat. interesting observations, k, though i wish you'd give me something a bit more concrete to work with. i can connect "wonderment" with disney-like "lyrics," but as a whole am wondering at the suggested failure. hmm... trying to be objective about this... which isn't too hard aside from the standard subjective ownership of anything i've written... you know me writing - if i spend ten minutess on a poem, it's an investment... uhm, no investment here.  still, while i can see several places where it could be tightened up (i see one place for an article and two where i could take out an article), i feel a bit of an edge to it. no hard, dark bite like i'm typically wont to do, i'll agree to, but one can smile sharply as well. anyway, if you're up to it, point out some specifics for me... happiness may not have dulled my edges, though lack of sleep and overworking may have taken the razor edge off. to the rest - i'll be back - thank you for your replies. C |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I will I will.....busy day at work....can't elaborate further right now. But don't worry - now that I have the invitation I'll cheerfully rip it apart for you. (and I swear, C, there's lots to rip). A brat's prerogative of course. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Disclaimer. This is public by invitation. If you don't like harsh criticism - don't read it.  C You might mistake me. I don't see your edge in articles, or any such thing. Perhaps it's an indefinable thing - definitely lacking though. No, C, this goes well beyond tightening. (Funny thing is I haven't written poetry seriously for two years now, let alone done a lot of critiquing. So maybe I'm not in a position to comment anymore haha. But still, perhaps it's just like riding a bike eh?) I think we've talked colours before and I still just don't 'get' it. Are you trying to be clever? Stupid question, I think: of course you are. Mystifying even. 'Oh I wonder why he has salamander in red' (besides the obvious). Even if you're not, it looks that way. It's just an irritant. A glaring, trying-too-hard irritant. Take that anywhere for professional analysis and it would be scratched from line one because of that red word. And yes I KNOW - you don't intend to take it anywhere for professional analysis - just making a point. So here we are at line one and I'm annoyed already. Not a good start. 'across the checkered beat of bodies pressed-close-caressing the music as if a familiar lover just waved hands across her thighs.' Blah. Over-long. It's prose and the thing is - this isn't a prose poem, but this? This is prose. Sigh. No, there's nothing wrong with prose, but...but...just a big but really. Come on - tell me you can see the glaring wrongness of this? After all, it's not meant to be a prose poem is it? (or is it?) Not the overall impression I got. A triple compound - another attempt at Clever? Two attempts at Clever in three lines. Ouch - I'm actually feeling patronised as a reader now. You know I write through imagery without relying on poetic devices such as similes etc...and you have also (to an extent). Now, that's where the edge comes in. (By the way, before I continue ranting, 'edge' and 'dark' are in no way synonymous). Simply, using your edge, there would've been about 12.7 better ways to say this lol. Without the edginess it's flat. Forced even. And that's just the first stanza. You can apply that to the rest of it too. You asked for specifics. How can I be more specific than a lacking edge? I don't see it smiling sharply either. I see no irony, no sarcasm, no wit, no depth. I see lots of alliteration, adjectives, redundant repitition and bloody ellipses. You know - the things we once agreed were blah? (Each with their place, yes, no dispute there). Ah but cram them into a poem with no edge. 'seeping lower into the loins' 'moisture of parted lips' 'wonderment propelling their fantasies' hmmmm...I wonder if Mills & Boon are accepting new authors? *rolling eyes* 'knees intertwined' - are they horizontal at this point? Or vertical. I seriously hope it's horizontal or they may need bandages. 'the music fades and so does she' So, we move from Mills & Boon fragmentations to sentimental endings - redolent of teenage angst - and then half a line!! 'the music fa...' I nearly choked, quite frankly. God, C, you can do 100% better than this - even when you're not trying. About the only positive thing I have to say is regarding the construct of an atmosphere. Whether or not it's the atmosphere you wanted to have (ie sharply smiling) there is, at least, an atmosphere. Linking back to me and my non-existent writing. I have lost my edge so I've stopped. (Ack - not quite akin to given up, just...abbreviated?) Anywho - this reminds me of me sitting in front of my putey struggling. And a struggle can last 2 minutes to an hour. Struggle doesn't, to me, necessarily mean looking at a blank screen for an hour - struggling can mean writing nonsense that holds no reflection of the writer-self. Tell me this is an evolution of your skill and I'll call you a liar. Need more, I can find more to say... K |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
good to read you again you've been missed what an awesome write! |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Christopher...I loved the imagery in this piece, I could truly see things happening as you told them (Hmmmm...seems more like prose huh? ) anyway, you had me visualizing everything then I must admit, lost me on the final lines. Nice to see you writing again and back on the blue pages! |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
knees intertwined and spiraling like a good drink of tequila warming the chest, then seeping lower into the loins, where fingertips caress and shelter this goddess of dance from the flailing flock begging a moment's touch, a kiss, a nod - anything but the ignorance of their existence. Christopher, hi, don't know if you remember me from a previous poetry page? When I see you, can't wait to click on you and read you My, my, my have you matured....your better then ever!!!! This was even more beautiful then I remember your writing to be....it sounds a bit jealous...and you've grasped the reader into a story in your mind, like a struggling lover who waits and watches, taking all within. This made me feel like I was reading a best selling novel.... Enjoyed, and even more enjoyed seeing you here again...it's been a while....and I've missed you Hugs Lee J. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
hmmmm ... well ... interesting ... anyway ... I said I would be back and so like a bad rash... here I am... lmao While this may not be one of your "best" or "edgiest" writes...I honestly dont see it as a failure either...you definately created the scene ... both in imagery and in rhythm with your assonance and line breaks... across the checkered beat of bodies I really liked that personif ... liked what it portrayed... and I enjoyed the poems vocab as well... and the quickened breath of companion penitents. 'bout anything save the soul of the lapsed lyrics washing her rhythmic evolution from a girl into - women even, as i watch, the boys meld into the periphery, defeated by a veil of protective indifference shimmering beneath the light of her devotion to the tonal chant of this intangible lover. Hey..would ya be shocked to know I even like the allits and the ellips.  guess I missed that memo on "blah" As for the ever on going debate these days of less is more and so on.... I just dont get the need to see some line drawn on free verse that once its gets long its labled prosey... many like longer reads ... and yes I know minimalistic is poetically "in" ...but I have seen the heart of poems whittled away in the endeavor to be less wordy and clever. The real truth of poetry is that each reader will come away with their own interp and level of involvement...looks like ya got a mixed bag of reaction to this...but in the end its how you feel about write that will matter... ya know that old saying... "opinions are like *elbows*...everybodys got one"... Somewhere in between we have to find our own style and not be afraid to try new things or take it all so literally. Im just a moth with a moody muse who loves to read and learn...so thanks for this...lots to take in on this thread. "this medium is over taken by keyboard prophets who believe their every word profound." |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Well now. I liked it, C. I tend to like things I can "see", and I came away from this seeing MORE than you'd described. and smiling at Kamla. Those old ellipses really bug the hell outta you, huh? But I thought they'd found a proper place in this particular instance...punctuation to amplify the fade, yanno? I confess I wasn't crazy about the red salamander--I rather thought that it could simply be described--but I like the imagery of it, the symbolism of red as passion, and the salamander brought to mind a witch's familiar. Kinda made me twitchy, smiling just thinking about the implications. All in all, I enjoyed this, tho. Reminded me of the old "X" bars, and the surreal metaphor of the scene (and I did see it as metaphor) left me slightly embarrassed as I thought about how apt a description it was to describe some of my bad-habited behaviors.  It can apply to so much more, too.Good to read you, Christopher. And Kamla, smile, you lost your edge? egads lady, I don't think so!  Hugs to you both. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Karen - whisper - not in spouting out my opinions I haven't...(oh no, an ellipsis! Just not in poetry hahaha). Sadly, when it comes to poetry, I really feel I have (hear any violins around?) Mothy-one - heh. That's all I'll say. Heh. I might say more actually (could I ever help it?) once his 'lordship' has replied. Another heh. K |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
"they flock to her, jealousy drained out through the moisture of parted lips. a circle, then, they approach to feel to meld to mix their movements; knees intertwined and spiraling like a good drink of tequila warming the chest, then seeping lower into the loins, where fingertips caress and shelter this goddess of dance from the flailing flock begging a moment's touch, a kiss, a nod - anything but the ignorance of their existence. then the music fades, the music fades." Well, I'm glad I stopped in for a few this evening. Gotta say, I love this one C. Reminds me of a blonde in Birmingham many lifetimes ago.  BTW...a belated Congratulations! |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
not ignoring, just busy... am taking 5 days off over the holiday and will certainly return. hugs all. |
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