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Open Poetry #33
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Kazm
Member
since 2003-11-13
Posts 99


0 posted 2004-08-18 06:14 PM



Demoting The Days

Sun chevrons pinned
on the shoulder of morning;
this dawn will outrank
the evening it follows,
each of them high above
my private darkness.

How can the sky brighten
as if there were a reason?
How can dawn unfold
the bright shirt of day,
slip it over the heads
of buildings and trees
and tuck the tails of it
into the still gray sea?
How can day stand there
at attention, calmly waiting?
I want to drum out this day,
send it limping away.

It is demoted already;
if I won't see your smile
today will march past
behind the other days,
a parade without a holiday,
soldiers in a uniform display
with no purpose at all.

                                                 Kaz

© Copyright 2004 Kaz Murakami - All Rights Reserved
Ratleader
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Member Rara Avis
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass
1 posted 2004-08-18 08:03 PM


Kaz! Good to see you again!

Also good to see that your poetry hasn't suffered at all while you've been gone....this most excellent in conception and delivery both.

Well done, my friend....come back soon.

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>   ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>  ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº>    ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

Midnitesun
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Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
2 posted 2004-08-18 08:50 PM


Very nice imagery!  
suthern
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since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
3 posted 2004-08-19 11:58 AM


Sun chevrons pinned
on the shoulder of morning;
this dawn will outrank
the evening it follows,
each of them high above
my private darkness.

I had to stop and reread these lines before I could continue... they're that vivid... I wish I could write like this! *S*

It is demoted already;
if I won't see your smile

I know this feeling so well... what a perfect image! *S*

This is excellent! *S* You've been missed... such talent always is. *S*

LeeJ
Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296

4 posted 2004-08-19 12:10 PM


How can dawn unfold
the bright shirt of day,
slip it over the heads
of buildings and trees
and tuck the tails of it
into the still gray sea?
How can day stand there
at attention, calmly waiting?
I want to drum out this day,
send it limping away.


Kaz, every single word was music to the mind
but I had to pick this one that leans specially my way....b/c of the gray sea...I suppose, but honestly, I am speechless at the talent in PIP, and you are an amazing part of the neighborhood.

Dreamy writing

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
5 posted 2004-08-19 12:18 PM


loved the read

thanks for sharing

muted
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Member Elite
since 2004-01-15
Posts 2949
Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving
6 posted 2004-08-19 03:02 PM


enjoyed this
imagery rocks!

GG
Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532
Lost in thought
7 posted 2004-08-19 03:09 PM


Wow, every line offers new images and ideas.
I love it!
I definitely need to look out for your work here...

Always, Alyssa

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.
                  Joyce kilmer

Ratleader
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass
8 posted 2004-08-21 10:18 AM


This poem worth a stratospheric bounce -- up it goes!

Now go write another one, eh? You're too good to arrive only in dribs and drabs.

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>   ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>  ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº>    ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

iliana
Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434
USA
9 posted 2004-08-21 05:12 PM


Great anaology, Kazm, great write.   ...jo
Magnus
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Member Laureate
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA
10 posted 2004-08-21 05:20 PM


Well done,  a ton of metaphors and imagery.
Makes one want to say IWIHWT....

aujussy wolf
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Senior Member
since 2003-08-09
Posts 1215
Michigan
11 posted 2004-08-22 02:20 AM


How can dawn unfold
the bright shirt of day,
slip it over the heads
of buildings and trees
and tuck the tails of it
into the still gray sea?


....
love the images ...and the words
very cool
~w

suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
12 posted 2004-08-27 03:01 PM


I agree with Ratleader... *S* I wish you posted more often... what a treat is is when you do! *S*
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