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Halflight
| Open Poetry #33 |
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Halflight |
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Pell Member
since 2001-09-16
Posts 134Pacific NW |
Halflight Dreams, they say, are wishes made by slumber's secret heart To reach for you in sleep's embrace and hold you close in thought. When weary head the pillow seeks Gives conscious mind to hush To whisper-kiss your dreaming cheek and sing to you with touch. Oh, let day fade to warm half light Til even shadows fail Let fingers be my sight's delight and speak to you in Braille. ~ The pronouns are bugging me a little lol. Suggestions? **note- please see my reply below regarding typo(prepositions, not pronouns). So I'm a dork, I'm sorry lol. |
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| © Copyright 2004 Melissa Frost - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Professor Gloom Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082of Depression |
Suggestion: Just leave them out, let the reader insert them Let fingers be my sight's delight and speak to you in Braille. Would become Let fingers be sight's delight and speak in Braille. Gloom |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Pell Enjoyed the write and the proffesor gave you some good suggestion. |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
I'm certainly no one to critique, so I won't...smiles...but enjoyed reading and sailing with your thoughts. |
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choshi Senior Member
since 2004-01-01
Posts 1184New York |
Nice poem....here is an alternate point of view...from an amateur...leave the pronouns alone....to remove them would make the poem sound like pidgin English and would lose the soft and relaxed quality of your voice...and more importantly, less personal....~P |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
No pronouns? Dreams it's said are wishes made by slumber's secret heart To reach within a sleep's embrace and held too close in thought. When weary head the pillow seeks Gives conscious mind to hush To whisper-kiss that dreaming cheek with subtlety of touch Oh, let day fade to warm half light Til even shadows fail Let fingers be the sight's delight and speak in languages of Braille. smile? As an experiment I tried the Prof's advice. (Not a pronoun in there) But as I look at it, I think the lack of "the other" isolates the emotion. hmmm. eliminates it, in fact. (no offense gloom.) Better YOUR way, methinks, Pell  Directing this poem to a person keeps it intimate. |
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miscellanea Member Elite
since 2004-06-24
Posts 4060OH |
I like both, depending upon the mood you want to project. The one with the pronouns seems like a warmer, present mood. The one without seems more longing, more distant (in time perhaps), but still it reveals emotion in my opinion--just a more longing, perhaps sadder version. miscellanea |
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Copperbell Senior Member
since 2003-11-08
Posts 956 |
I enjoyed the tenderness of this - |
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Kahlil Senior Member
since 2003-04-12
Posts 1881 |
ORRRRRR, Serenity's first two, and then your third, to personalize it, try that... If this is what the aroma of Tacoma does to your brain I think I'll come down and breathe a whiff or two.... lol very nice write, Pell K |
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
Pell, I thought this was absolutely lovely just the way it was.  ....jo |
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Pell Member
since 2001-09-16
Posts 134Pacific NW |
Good morning all. I was a bit puzzled by some of the responses until I reread my original post. "Pronouns" should have been "Prepositions"... gah. Serves me right for posting in the wee hours. My profound apologies for the mistype. I'm still looking at the suggestions posted so far, very much appreciate your comments. "When weary", and "To reach", "To whisper-kiss" are the parts that seem a bit awkward to me. Originally the "To"s were "I'll"s, so it sounds like I'm on the right track per your suggestions regarding pronouns at least Gloom, To eliminate the pronouns completely seems to disrupt the flow and meter a bit much, what do you think? Opinions on the importance of the meter? Thanks very much for commenting. Seymour, Thanks for reading, and confirmation. Pleased you enjoyed. Would like to hear some thoughts about the meter from a master if you've the time  LeeJ, Thanks hon, I do enjoy sinking my teeth into your writes. Thank you for your nibble hehe. choshi, Your suggestion is most welcome, I think you saw through my typo lol. Thanks much. serenity, Yup, I tend to agree with you there, I would like to keep it a little more personal at this point. Thank you so much for taking the time to analyze! miscellanea, Hmm, got me thinking... maybe I'll work two versions in parallel and see what happens. Thank you muchly. Copperbell, Thank you for your kindness, glad you enjoyed Kahlil, I like your suggestion, you've articulated for me more the angle I was aiming for. Thank you. RotfLOL @ Tacoma aroma... technically I'm quite a bit north of there now(thank gawd) so I cannot vouch for the long-term effects... short-term exposure makes my eyes water and wonder who ate the burritos lol! I'm in Cow Patty Valley, can't say I'd recommend that aroma for inspiration either(can I blame all my typos on organic fertilizer?) :P iliana, Thanks so much Jo, something about that smiley just made my day hehehe. You're a sweetheart. ~ I'll start sketching some changes out and edit in a little while. Many, many thanks for your patience and all the great input! |
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Contabo Member
since 2001-11-21
Posts 159 |
I thought it to be wonderful....fortunately for you I slept through much of grammar. I thought why in the world do I want to know about all this!?? pronouns, adverbs, predicates, adjectives, dangling participles and the like. If I only knew.....I also would have paid more attention in typing class. Contabo |
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