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Open Poetry #33
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croyles
Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 102


0 posted 2004-08-12 03:05 PM


Ok so I havnt really been writing much on others peoples poetry and I sincerly ask for your forgiveness, i will do soon! That is a promise.

If anyone knows how to insert a picture into a post I would be very thankful, it would make the poem look at least a little bit better   .


The Phoenix Fire

Your love was sweet when all else failed,
your eyes mirrored the time youth's cluttered thoughts ensured a content heart,
every breath you sprinkled on my lips seemed true.

Although I ceased to spell out grief and gave you pain,
for all the ashes I smeared on love you'd water my mind;
your tears redeemed like the fiery bird's,
so from the abyss of ashes our love be born anew...

I gave steroids to our senses
in naked nights and coating days,
that protected all our treasures,
by stilling your will to sate the thirsty tides:
with your fathers encryption's in your soul.

But the storm swept away our love-imprinted clouds
and shocked my mind with your natural lies.
You could not give the same I gave,
you could not feel the pain I felt.
No more flowing rivers for you,
The end of your Phoenix tears,
Swept away too, by the storm...

[This message has been edited by croyles (08-13-2004 06:42 AM).]

© Copyright 2004 croyles - All Rights Reserved
Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
1 posted 2004-08-12 05:42 PM


ah, those ashes are not always so easy to resurrect
croyles
Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 102

2 posted 2004-08-12 05:53 PM


thanks for that, but could you at least tell me what you think of the poem, sorry but i find it kinda rude...
Magnus
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA
3 posted 2004-08-12 07:38 PM


I gave steroids to our senses
at naked nights and coating days,
that protected all our treasures,
by stilling your will to sate the thirsty tides:
with your fathers encryption's in your soul.

This, with the word "at" between senses
and naked...doesn't come together very well
to me.  

Additionally,  "encryption's" implies
ownership...should it not be without the
apostrophe?

Thirdly,  the letter "i" should be capitalized.  

and my last comment:  in your last line,
the word "two" probably should be "too"
vice the other.

Overall,  the poem has a mysterious quality
of love to it....you are working hard to
use words that go well with poetry...but
there are a few places that it (to me) is
hard to determine the path that the poem is
at or taking...

Not a bad write...

iliana
Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434
USA
4 posted 2004-08-13 12:09 PM


Pouring tears on the ashes.......after the Phoenix had risen....very good metaphor.  :cring: ....jo
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