Night had fallen faster than Clinton’s trousers. I walked over to the window and stared down at the street from my second-floor walk-up overlooking my part of the city……the west side. Dim streetlamps cast eerie shadows on parking meters and starving dogs scurrying down deserted streets to pillage through overflowing garbage cans. The west side was the mean part of town. Kids would scotch-tape worms to the sidewalks to watch the birds get hernias. It was MY town. I was known, respected and revered by all. I was the man people could turn to when troubles got them down. Women called me at all hours for my services. I made it possible for them to sleep at night.I was– the bug man.

(to the tune of Something’s Coming)
I’m the bugman – I’m the guy.
Spray the bugs and watch them die.
I am the man.
Come on, roaches. Bring it on!
Don’t be shy – gonna die.
I have the can.

I’m the bugman – see them fall.
Roaches, fleas – I get them all.
They have no chance!
Once I hit them with my spray
It’s oy vay! They go away.
So long, you ants!

My can is pumpin’
And all the bugs are jumpin’.

Could be…
Who knows?
And so….
It goes……

I turned from the window and walked over to my answering machine. It was time to check messages and set up my work for tomorrow. It wasn’t much of a living. The west side was pretty poor, you see. The pawnbroker only had two balls. But I was dedicated to my work. I hit the replay button and Mrs. O’Reilly’s shrill voice filled my office…

(to the tune of Maria)

    


A cockroach!
I just saw a bug called a cockroach!
It crawled across my arm
And caused so much alarm I screamed!

A cockroach!
The size of a Volkswagen cockroach!!
Much uglier than sin
Or anything else in
My dreams!

A cockroach!
Spray it once and it doesn't stop going.
Spray it twice and you might see teeth showing.
A cockroach!
I'll never stop hating
A cockroach!!!
BEEP! Another message appeared, this one from Maisy Padrone....

(to the tune of I Feel Pretty)


I feel itchy.
I feel bitchy.
I feel itchy and bitchy with fleas!
Nerves are twitchy..
Am I coming down with some disease?

Fleas are biting!
I am fighting!
Every sighting just makes me itch more.
I am crawling over chairs to keep feet
Off the floor.

See that little flea crawl upon my leg!
Watch him sink his teeth in my knee!
More here on my arm
More here in my hair
More here on my neck
More all over me!!!

Desperation
And frustration
Cause gyrations that I never knew.
I'm so itchy
Tell me that I can depend on you!

The third message came from Delores Lee. I could hear her screaming and loud crashes could be heard in the background. With my natural-born instincts I decided this one had to be taken care of immediately. I put on my bug hat and attached my spray belt around my waist. Oh, first, I had to call Georgia McCarthy. She was my constant complainer, daily calls for help to exterminate that trash bin of a dwelling she called a house. I was fed upand decided to terminate my employment with her…

(to the tune of dear Office Krumpke)



Dear Mrs. McCarthy
Of course you have bugs.
You never clean your house
And all your kids are on drugs.
Your table is dirty and covered with grime
And it stays like that all the time.

All the time! All the time
There is dirt and grime
And your house is filthy all the time!

Dear Mrs. McCarthy
No dishes are clean.
Your laundry is allergic to
A washing machine.
Your sink is all clogged up
With hair in the drain.
Living like you do is insane,

It’s insane! It’s insane!
How you live! It’s plain
That to live like you do is insane!

Dear Mrs. McCarthy
What are we to do?
I swear that if I were a bug
I’d live with you, too.
Your house is a refuge
To every town mouse..
Mrs. McCarthy….clean house!!!!

Delores Lee’s house was only a few blocks away so, not owning a car, I decided to walk. The streets were deserted, the only sounds being the echo of my footsteps on the pavement and the scurrying of rats. At night the streets of the west side belonged to the rats. Walking past an alley, I could hear them congregating in the darkness…

(to the tune of When You’re a Jet)



When you're a rat
You're a rat all the way.
You can call out the cats
And we'll scare them away.


When you're a rat
You will travel in packs.
You'll wreak havoc and fear
With blind-sided attacks..

You're never alone.
That's all that there is to it.
You find an old shoe...
Just go ahead and chew it.
It's fun to do it!!!!

We are the rats and the streets are our own.
You can shove all your traps - we won't leave you alone.
When you're a rat you stay a RAT!!!

The Lee house was a disaster. The door had disintegrated and pieces of the ceiling were laying on the dining room table. Delores grabbed my arm and said, “Thank God you’re here! What is happening to me??”I looked around, dodging falling rafters and holes in the floor, made my assessment of the situation and gave her my report..

(to the tune of Tonight)



Termites! Termites!
Dear lady, they're termites.
They're eating all your treasures away!
Termites! Termites!
They hide there out of sight
Eating chairs - eating wood
Come what may!

The roaches are a simple bother.
The small ants are another.
They just come by for spite
But, deep inside,
Those evil creatures hide...
They're termites!
Termites!!!!

I made arrangements to tent the house the next day and left. Enough work for tonight…I would head over to Sam’s all night coffee shop and carbuerator repair and sip java while Sam and I recounted old war stories as we had so many times before. Then I would head home for a good night’s sleep – the kind of contented sleep one can get only from knowing that work has been well done. Tomorrow it would all begin again…such is the life of a bugman.

(to the tune of I Feel Pretty, once again)

I’m a bugman! I’m a bugman!
I kill roaches and termites and fleas.
Evil creatures
I will hunt and bring them to their knees.

I’m a bugman! I’m a bugman!
I’m the man that the ladies adore!
When I’m finished
There’ll be nothing crawling on your floor.

See that little ant on the counter there!
Now he’s just as dead as can be.
Roaches, too, will fall
Spiders? Kill them all!
They have got to know
They can’t mess with me.
They can’t mess with me!!

I’m a bugman! I’m a bugman!
I’m so glad that you all came along.
It’s a pleasure
Entertaining you with rhyme and song!!!

So long!!!!!!

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