The Letter (revised and reposted)

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Jeffrey Carter

Member Elite

since 2000-04-08

Posts 2367
State of constant confusion!

0 posted 2004-07-06 08:02 PM

Reaching out from this lifeless state
going through  the motions of every day
life, though you are gone from my arms
I still hold you in my  mind. My dreams
are filled with the comforts you once
offered and it makes waking each morning
a horrible task.

I don't know what set this wheel in motion;
this horrible injustice that has taken away
a love that could have given the most ardent
of loves a scare. I can't say what thoughts
you had that made you make the decisions
that you have, and I suppose that really isn't
important now. What is important is the fact
that I just can't let you go. I can't get
your vision out of my mind.

Every avenue of my life was changed the day
I met you. You know, all my life I never
thought my dreams would come true, but they did,
I found my dreams in you. And then they were
shattered.

So, what do I do now? How do I go on without
you when it seems I have just now found you?
You are everything I have ever hoped for and
everything I'll ever need. Right by your side
is all I ever want to be.

I know no other way to express the pain I feel
than by saying this...

I love you and I shall always, and even if I
never get to feel your touch again I will
always hold you in my dreams.

Rest in peace my love.

*********************************************
For those who don't know, the last line was the revision, I think it makes the piece more powerful. What do you guys think?

Susan
Member Ascendant

since 2004-03-27

Posts 5104
walking the surreal

1 posted 2004-07-06 08:19 PM

Yeah, the heart ache is here. Question is, the "rest in peace", I thought at first she had left, but has she passed?

Susan

Happiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind.

Jeffrey Carter

Member Elite

since 2000-04-08

Posts 2367
State of constant confusion!

2 posted 2004-07-06 08:32 PM

thanks for replying Susan ...first, this is fiction, second, yes, she has passed .... so does the line make the piece stronger or does it maybe take away from the jist of the piece?

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

3 posted 2004-07-06 09:02 PM

I like it better this way Jeff.
Reading it without the last line I kept thinking..
'well, why doesn't he go after her then?'
The last line brings a closure to the piece.
JMHO of course.
Hugs YOU!

~Somewhere in my heart I'm always
Dancing with you in the summer rain ~

Mr»ÄlleÿÇät
Member

since 2001-06-02

Posts 190

4 posted 2004-07-06 09:13 PM

Thank you for the read.
The line
"I can't say what thoughts
you had that made you make the decisions
that you have"

Then the last line made me think she might have commited suicide.

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

5 posted 2004-07-06 09:24 PM

One comment,  through the poem,  in a few
places...you write present tense about her
though she is gone.  You might want to
revise that,  then I think the power of
the ending will blend better with the
rest of the poem.   Otherwise,  a good
write,  lots of feelings within.

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