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Jonas
Senior Member
since 2000-03-03
Posts 796
Oregon

0 posted 2000-06-01 11:28 PM


Based on a nightmare I had shortly after the death of my father.

Atrocity Of Silence

sterile blue hallways
gunmetal gray doors clash
a hospital; sinister
potted flowers everywhere
sepia shadows
green scrubs, white coats

emergency entrance
why am I here?
waiting, not sure why

behind a door
mistakenly unlocked
a familiar form
but different
steps falter

"no!"
blood turns
ice water in my veins
i know you

no, not really you
but what's left of you
gaunt
radiating agony

hurting me…
stop! it's too much

no words from your mouth
haunting, sunken eyes
plead with mine

terror; i can't breath…
"no, you died!"

this can't be real
refuse to believe
reject it
i sigh

same horrible stare
freezing to the core
(gasping)

head drops to your chest.
silent resignation to fate?
sadness at my unbelief?

a nightmare
for a reason
unfinished thoughts beg
between he and i

thoughts question
all my years of silence
must be
why didn't you tell me?

"dad, because I never spoke of it,
doesn't mean that I didn't care"
my own pain

how difficult to talk to a dying man?
we knew…
he knew…
what could I say?

"dad, I always cared,
i just didn't know how to talk to you"

still
i cannot move
sorrow wells up within me
wracking soul

"you know now?"

(nod)
disappearing

5/31/00
Gary Pence

© Copyright 2000 Gary - All Rights Reserved
Jana Tovey
Member
since 2000-05-30
Posts 257
USA
1 posted 2000-06-01 11:32 PM


This is one of the toughest things to deal with, I feel.  We think our parents are always going to be around, or maybe we don't allow ourselves to think otherwise.  This is an exceptional piece.  I appreciate how hard it was to share it.  
Isis
Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296
Sunny Queensland
2 posted 2000-06-02 01:02 AM


How sad hon!!   I will say it is also harder for father and son to communicate feelings, it doesn't feel manly to say 'I love you Dad' too often... but he knew at the end.  He just needed to know before he could go in peace.  You gave him a gift remember that!
*hugs*

 I'll tell you this...... No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn.....
~Isis~
(Goddess - Sovereign of the Spirit)



brian madden
Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374
ireland
3 posted 2000-06-02 03:52 PM


I am always quite philosophical about death, that I know things happen for a reason, and it is a cycle in life. But I know my beliefs will mean nothing if a loved one dies, especially one of my parents. I am aware of the fragility of life but yet I don't want to accept the fact that day will come. They say time is a healer. I know that you will always miss your father, but I believe there is a better place beyond this life. A powerful poem. Thanks for sharing

 ------------------------
"I've been too honest with myself I should have lied like everybody else"-Richey Edwards

"Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time".

Baltimore Grotto

"Libraries gave us power
Then work came and made us free
What price now for a shallow piece of dignity"
Nicky Wire, A design for Life.

manic street preachers

La Tristesse Durera (Scream to a Sigh)
"Life has been unfaithful And it all promised so so much
I am a relic I am just a petrified cry Wheeled out once a year, a cenotaph souvenir
The applause nails down my silence
La tristesse durera
Scream to a sigh, to a sigh
I see liberals I am just a fashion accessory
People send postcards
And they all hope I'm feeling well I retreat into self-pity, it's so easy Where they patronise my misery
La tristesse durera
Scream to a sigh, to a sigh
I sold my medal
It paid a bill
It sells at market stalls Parades Milan catwalks
The sadness will never go Will never go away
Baby it's here to stay


Joel the wolf
Senior Member
since 2000-04-06
Posts 1333
Angels Camp
4 posted 2000-06-02 07:24 PM


They are not truly gone my friend.
this is very touching, my dad get's older each year he's 78 now, and starting to slow down, I visit him often.
Thank you for your inner thoughts & dreams.

Joel.

 I howl a mournful song, that echos within my chambered heart, for all to read? nay for all to feel.

Jonas
Senior Member
since 2000-03-03
Posts 796
Oregon
5 posted 2000-06-02 10:47 PM


Thank you so much everyone. My dad passed away in 1984, after suffering from cancer off and on for 10 years. The last year of his life, he knew, and we knew that he was dying. It became hard for me to to talk to him, and he to talk to me. But I do have peace in my heart that he does know how I feel.  
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