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armanca
Member
since 1999-07-07
Posts 211
Tennessee

0 posted 1999-12-03 04:34 PM


Soul-Sick Tangerine

Stained exhaustively
popped like a licked lolly
Manipulated playground
wills a pulverable fruit
Rhetorical promises made in my mind
provoke buried memories safely kept
------------------------------------------
(this was revised...i left the original here to so everyone could see where the tone went.  I embellished on what i really wanted the reader to get from this.  It wasn't very clear.)


Soul-Sick Tangerine  (old one)

I want to turn you inside out
...lick you like a lolly pop
Play on you like a playground,
and bury you when you become a memory.


[This message has been edited by armanca (edited 12-08-1999).]

© Copyright 1999 Carman - All Rights Reserved
Isis
Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296
Sunny Queensland
1 posted 1999-12-03 05:53 PM


Now this one is superb!!

------------------
The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there IS to celebrate.
~Isis~
(Daughter of Mystery)



armanca
Member
since 1999-07-07
Posts 211
Tennessee
2 posted 1999-12-03 09:35 PM


Thank you Isis. If you can believe it. This is about a victim...living on a false sense of strength. I appreciate your comment.

Carman

JennyLee
Senior Member
since 1999-09-01
Posts 1461
Northwestern, NJ.
3 posted 1999-12-03 10:44 PM


I love this!!!


Jenny Lee

------------------
Love is an attempt at penetrating another being,But it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual.


Isis
Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296
Sunny Queensland
4 posted 1999-12-03 11:58 PM


Thanks for the explanation

------------------
The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there IS to celebrate.
~Isis~
(Daughter of Mystery)


armanca
Member
since 1999-07-07
Posts 211
Tennessee
5 posted 1999-12-04 01:10 AM


Thank you Jenny Lee...that means a lot.


Carman

armanca
Member
since 1999-07-07
Posts 211
Tennessee
6 posted 1999-12-08 10:04 AM


Brought this back to the top because i revised it.  
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