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Dark Poetry #1
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crimson
New Member
since 1999-11-01
Posts 1
Glendale,AZ,USA

0 posted 1999-11-01 11:15 PM


My own death would be a release
from this pain
It's lke no other that I have ever
felt my entire life
Out of all the green-eyed monsters
fate has granted me the largest
Nothing on earth, heaven, or hell
can dull this anguishing feeling
that cuts and burns away of what is left of my heart
There is nothing left in my soul,
mind,heart and spirit
Nothing but the feelings that
remain for her
Now I can truly say I AM DEAD

© Copyright 1999 crimson - All Rights Reserved
JennyLee
Senior Member
since 1999-09-01
Posts 1461
Northwestern, NJ.
1 posted 1999-11-02 11:26 AM


I know what that death is like...

You might want to fix a couple of typos if you are so inclined

Jenny

[This message has been edited by JennyLee (edited 11-02-1999).]

roxane
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505
us
2 posted 1999-11-02 11:37 AM


the title of this poem does not correspond with the poem. your death is like no other, not unlike no other. there is alos a couple of lines that contradict themselves.

"that cuts and burns away of what is left of my heart
There is nothing left in my soul
mind, heart and spirit."

okay, first of all, the first line is wordy. try extracting the word "of". also, you say there is little left of your heart, and then that there is nothing. it contradicts itself.

otherwise, i found this poem to be pretty well-written. i could empathize with your feelings on this, as i'm sure most could. overall, it was a good poem.

Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666
California
3 posted 1999-11-04 02:58 PM


Well, I'm not sure if you're dead...but I feel the same sometimes. Good work.


Michael

Watcher666
Senior Member
since 1999-10-13
Posts 1606

4 posted 1999-11-05 11:40 AM


Enjoyed the read.

------------------
Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you.

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