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Dark Poetry #1
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One Incapable of Love, Book II
| Dark Poetry #1 |
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One Incapable of Love, Book II |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas 
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Inspired by Fyodor Mikhailovish Dostoevsky's "Notes from Underground". I Friends? Bah! Friends are but a buzzing nuisance, simply flies around a dung heap! Even I once entertained the dizzying notion that I too was in need of camaraderie; but this too did pass as all notions do. Were not they too friends, or at least classmates at one time in my dim history? Can it be that of all the people of all the world I am the only one who is unique? They are but fools! I could shape them, culture them, but no! Let them rot in their own ignorant depravity. I imposed. I know they hate me but I will have my revenge. I vow revenge, but in my heart I know that I will never do anything to them. I will simply ride the waves until I drown with all the others in our self-created underground. Why am I so impulsive? Repulsive? I build grand scenarios that never come to be, castles on the beach near the water's edge waiting for the waves to come crashing, proclaiming their ignoble triumph over the mice of the world. I hate it, them, those self-proclaimed "men of action," ugly beasts who never rant as I am ranting now. I wish to drag them down to the Underground and force them to see their own depravity, knowing this will never be... II Then came she, daughter of the midnight hour. And I knew I loved her, and she me, but never would I admit this to anyone, not even myself. Yet I am blind, blinded by my own self-hate and fury at the world who steps up to the impassable wall and has the audacity to say "What wall?" But then when rage did grip and hold me tight, I chanced upon this girl, Lize, dark-eyed and waiting, waiting for someone to rescue her from herself. And I knew, I knew that I could rescue her, teaching her, expanding her mind and horizons. My only condition was total control. Invisible edge, invisible whip unconsciously struck from force of habit. Could this be from my fear of exposing my weakness and need for companionship which I disavowed so long ago? I know I'm weak, a simple mouse, but can I ever show this to another? No. I never guessed, I never knew the feeling she almost set free for me. Instead I misread, berating and scorning her presence, bringing her to the brink of grief then leaving her to deal with herself alone. Who needs her? Who needs anyone? I do. But I'll never confess such to anybody, even though I just have--I could have been lying; in fact, I think I have been lying this entire time. However, I know that I am above lying, never telling such a mistruth to none save me. III Finally came she when I did not expect her. Most inopportune timing, when at last I confronted that beast, Apollon, that incessant vexation upon the placidity of what my life could be without his presence, even though we both know I could not make it without him, but this I'll never admit... Still she came at the height of my vexation and rage to my eternal shame. Still she came when I retired, my composure there to regain. She would not leave! Couldn't she feel my displeasure at her soothing presence? Leave me to my underground hell! This was all her fault! Anyone else's but mine! So on her my wrath does fall, scattering thoughts that could have been for me. Knowing that she'll never love me, knowing that I can't love her leaves me empty, lonely in my underground abode. Alone, alone, alone. Now the wall is evident. The wall is me, or rather, my inability to love none save me, even though in reality I cannot love myself. But that was in my youth, being still in the present, and tomorrow seems to look the same. Thus alone and contradictory I will yet be, despising my behavior, but not wishing to swim to shore, even though my fur is soaked through and sinking slowly in the mighty waves. I lie... Alicat the persnikitty |
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| © Copyright 1999 Alastair Adamson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
I have to say that I would definately like to read that which inspired this monologue. On my first read, I stumbled. The breaks in thought caused by the creation of a new stanza, in certain places, were hard for me to follow. Upon a second read, it seemed to fit...going with the general 'feel' of the monologue. I'm interested in how you would read this aloud. I think the final three stanzas sum this piece up nicely, indeed. Well done as always, and thank you for letting me finally see this!  |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Indeed, very well done. ------------------ Michael Anderson May Darkness find you all through the day. |
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JennyLee Senior Member
since 1999-09-01
Posts 1461Northwestern, NJ. |
It was so easy for me to read. I really enjoyed it!! Jenny |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Just dusting this one off....been awhile since it's seen dusk. Alicat |
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