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a father
| Dark Poetry #1 |
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a father |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i'm having a lot of trouble with my writing lately so i would greatly appreciate any criticism or encouragement i remember my father he used to kiss me on the cheek with alcohol lips and a sharp moustache he would quietly fall asleep in any moment of tragedy and drift away into infamy i remember my father he used to come home so late and i could hear him in the yard he'd be smoking some cigars i would think why not join and he never asked me i remember my father or rather his absence i recall graduations, birthdays he missed and i save an empty chair inside my vacant heart thinking maybe he'll be there i remember my father i was a daughter bore in haste he trafficked me around like i was such a lovely pink waste he planted in me dark eyes and i saw all the blackness of me i remember a father was he mine i'm not so certain a father in name only just another person i see his silhouette but i can't make out the face time's gone and he never was there ------------------ roxane "come night come darkness for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this" dickens |
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| © Copyright 1999 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Hi Roxane, I'm not sure if I'm qualified to critique your poems or not as I don't write in "free verse" much and much of what I deem as poetry law doesn't seem to apply there. I will say that after reading this piece a few times that there is a lot of emotion here - which is good. The ultimate test of any poetry is to capture the reader's emotion. The problems I see here is all the lines running together, I truly did have a hard time deciphering where one thought leaves off and the next thought starts in a few places. It would make it much easier for me as a reader if either the sentances started with capitals or ended with some sort of punctuation. Paragraphs or stanzas also serve not only to separate thought patterns but as a respite to the reader to take in a poem thought by thought instead of collectively as a whole which will gain a much more favorable response overall. Your poetry is definately not lacking in feeling as I stated earlier, it's conveying that feeling to the reader in an appreciable fashion. You don't have to stop your thought process when your writing, write it as it comes to you then proofread and puncuate later. I hope I have helped in some way. Michael |
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moonmoon Member
since 1999-08-13
Posts 277TX , USA |
I could 'feel' the pain being portrayed here Roxane...((hugs)) ------------------ "No one was ever ruined from without; The final ruin comes from within.".....Amelia E. Barr |
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