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Open Poetry #31
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"When Realized" - Appreciate Feedback
| Open Poetry #31 |
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"When Realized" - Appreciate Feedback |
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maximillian Junior Member
since 2003-09-13
Posts 23 |
((I'll let you read into the poem as you like, I'd appreciate feedback before showing close-ones. I'm still learning my trade so grammatical help is welcome as well)) WHEN REALIZED Is it your ink that soaks through every crevice staining the very foundations of my soul? Such thickness of nature relieves the Blood cells of their duty to yield. The excruciating words make every breath Phlegmatic in desiccate vapour, All’s meaningless to thy soul. Dreams did pose all so most akin, Having set illogical logic where rules unleashéd yet such truth, All is clay when two worlds judge. Speak but not a word, Nay sharpen, ‘llow shaping of our hearts. By Max Meltzer |
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| © Copyright 2004 maximillian - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Grover Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967London, ON, Canada |
Very nice.  |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
Max, you start out using 'you' and then you change into archaic wording, 'thy' and 'nay'. You need to establish your tone from the start. I prefer the non-archaic, but that's just me, a lot of people feel that archaic language makes a poem 'poem-ier' so that's fine if that's how you feel. Also, in this line "Dreams did pose all so most akin, " you are using 'did' as a filler and it stands out. Thanks for letting me flex my critique-muscles! Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
 confusing |
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DavePage Member Elite
since 2003-12-21
Posts 2917 |
I find it a bit heavy and I would in your words go back to my old stanza of emotion drive the words before you whipping the backs of the unwary dwarfing high visions with words to penetrate a mist they cannot see dave |
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