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croyles
Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 102

0 posted 2004-01-31 08:18 PM

This is my new poem, which is my second ever.
Hope you all enjoy it. P.S It is not quite finished i am still gonna put more stanzas in it.

Scarred in timely length:

I recall those days of honey’s blithe,
When present to that joyous air,
When I thrust my passion in blissful thrive,
By the windowpane, kissing her.

So long I thought this heaven last,
Where woe and grief had absent task,
But lover’s debt caught up to us,
And drowned me into Daniels flask.

Her loves paycheck was idlest quarrel,
Such heir of her ferocious father,
Who imprints to her corrupt moral.
Thereby she ignores her core, but rather

Mirrors her elders voice by chance
To think she hath expected strength,
In truth what is not nonchalance.
She’s a girl scarred in timely length.

"Creativity is more inportant than knowledge." Albert Einstein.

Grover
Senior Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada

1 posted 2004-01-31 08:38 PM

You've got a good beginning; actually it is quite lengthy and good now. Just needs a little tightening up to make the meaning clearer. Very good work!!! Grover.

croyles
Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 102

2 posted 2004-01-31 08:43 PM

what exactly do you not understand? Because i wont be able to change it. You see, because i wrote it myself it is a lot harder to see what would not be understood buy the audience.

"Creativity is more inportant than knowledge, for knowledge can be learnt, but creativity cannot." Albert Einstein.

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

3 posted 2004-01-31 08:57 PM

Hello Croyles...
Welcome to Passions.

If I might, I would love to offer a thought to you.

Your poem has a great voice, and as I read it I caught a rhythm, I call it the poems blood.

The thought you are conveying has deep meaning founded in a situation where someone that you love is struggling with an inner demon, and I observed a melody, or beat that seemed out of sync with the message.

If you read this aloud, you may find that your entire content has presented itself, and is looking for the right river.

There is no need to change it, only give it the flow that you feel. I have found with my own works, that poetry rocks in it's own lulaby, and speaks out in it's own tongue.
Adding words may not clarify what is already spoken so well.

Great job!
TD

croyles
Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 102

4 posted 2004-02-01 10:20 AM

Well ok.

You see, it isnt all of the poem, and the reason why i gave it a bouncy rythm is because that girlfriend was a long time ago, and at the end of the poem i was going to give light to the fact that i can laugh about it now. Thats what famous poets do too isnt it?

But thanks for the comments guys.

"Creativity is more inportant than knowledge, for knowledge can be learnt, but creativity cannot." Albert Einstein.

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

5 posted 2004-02-01 05:29 PM

(smiles) Oh Julio, I love all the animation and cadence put into this, sweet friend, I am looking forward to the more poems you post from here on too, yay, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Julio, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"You'll find something that's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around and come back home" MB20

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