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Open Poetry #31
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Over Coffee (eor's sestina challenge)
| Open Poetry #31 |
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Over Coffee (eor's sestina challenge) |
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muted
since 2004-01-15
Posts 2949Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving 
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note: a poetfriend told me that i should "try something new" so upon that advice i went searching through the poetry challenges and found one about writing "sestinas"...well it looked like fun so i did it! ive never written anything like this before and this is one of the times i'll make an exception and actually ASK for critique. remember, ive never tried this before so if you have suggestions, please be clear about them! thanks for reading! ~ ~ ~ Over coffee ------------- The tables were decorated with collages of photographs. A thin layer of glass protecting the memories from the numerous spills of espresso coffee accidentally knocked over during fits of laughter when the humour becomes raucous between friends during a long night deprived of much needed sleep. “Dreaming” seems more refreshing during sleep. A slideshow of subconscious photographs, but shared in the company of closest friends the night is spent amongst fondest memories; eyes wide open in spasms of laughter shunning bedtime in favour of giggles and strong coffee. The sultry rich aroma of the coffee awakened hidden thoughts from their long sleep. The echoes of forgotten childhood laughter muted by the grey of the aging photographs where colour was fading even in the memories of the women who had aged decades as friends. So many people passed the chatting friends in their rush for they’re ritual pick-me-up coffee. Too busy to indulge in golden memories especially when the morning alarm cuts short your sleep and you hurry to kiss goodbye your children through photographs not realizing the absence of their laughter. And all those years of collected laughter became the burden of these old friends. Knowing that soon they‘ll be a collection of photographs entertaining the generations over evening coffee after they long since been laid in earth to sleep under a tombstone etched with memories. Their hankies wet with tear stained memories Some of sadness, but most born of wild laughter; like the little girls they once were, refusing to sleep, sharing of secrets like the best of best friends. When tea parties were favoured over coffee and heart shaped lockets held tiny photographs. But for now, before these women succumb to sleep, They’ll gaze at photographs of then, prints of memories, And drink cups of warm coffee laced with laughter. |
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| © Copyright 2004 Dawn van Krieken-Smith - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Richy Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 3050 |
Aww Dawn the new picture looks great! I’ll tell ya though... after reading about all that caffeine, I’m so wired, I could make coffee nervous...  I wish I could help you on the critique part, But I don’t know all that much about poetry. In fact, I thought three sestina’s equaled a siesta... See? So any who, I thought everything you wrote was fantastic... I’m sure you did great. Well, now that I’m all perked up, I might as well stay up, and bother a few more people... lol Well, Take Care, And Good Night, Richy |
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muted
since 2004-01-15
Posts 2949Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving |
LMAO no, thats 3 sangrias = siesta  ok now..back away from that mug of coffee.. slowly..slowly..thats a good boy. thanks for reading this massive poem that neither one of us know anything about...  and thanky for the compliment nigh nighs richy |
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garysgirl 
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Dawn, whatever this was, I liked it. But, like Richy, I like whatever you write, too. I'm learning some of the different forms of poetry since I've been at Passions, but this form isn't one I've learned. By the way, I like the new picture, too. Hugs  Ethel Goodnight......  |
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muted
since 2004-01-15
Posts 2949Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving |
hi ethel (cupcake) thanky to you too for the compliment! i had never heard of a sestina either until i went digging about in the "poetry challenge" section...pretty cool what you can learn with a little help from google. nigh nighs ethel!  |
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Richy Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 3050 |
ZZZZZzzzzzzZZZz Uh wuh? Did someone call me? Oh, must be dreaming?  Yes Senorita, tres sangrias por favor  ??? ZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZz Thanky you too Dawn... nigh nigh ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZzz |
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choshi Senior Member
since 2004-01-01
Posts 1184New York |
Dawn, I have not encountered this form before and am not really a poet, so technical critique would be misguided on my part. I will say that it reads smoothly and gracefully, all the parts well-integrated, and your knack for describing details, tinted with emotions all adds up t oone beautiful read. There is something here that feels like prose and poetry which for me strengthens this piece. Ihope you continue to take such risks... Paul |
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choshi Senior Member
since 2004-01-01
Posts 1184New York |
PS....I was so absorbed in your poem that I missed your new photo...simply beautiful ~P |
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muted
since 2004-01-15
Posts 2949Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving |
Paul~ *hi buddy* thank you for reading this, have a look up at what sestina is and you'll understand why its taken on the form it has...dont think i could do a sestina without it being a bit of "prose" like. was so much fun because it was such a challenge, pushed my limits and patience! reading this type of poetry doesnt appeal to me which made it perfect for pushing me out of my "comfort zone". Im going to keep an eye out in "poetry challenge" forum for more exciting writing adventures! LOL... thank you for complimenting my poem and my photo ~Dawn |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
aha...so you are still awake?....you just replied to this?...Nice write....sweetened coffee by a sweet gal...who's pretending to be asleep.....but I understand....see ya |
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choshi Senior Member
since 2004-01-01
Posts 1184New York |
"thank you for reading this,..." ~Dawn, it was my pleasure, and as I mentioned, I think the prose aspect strengthened your poem...As you know, I am not one for long reads in poetry, but this poem was extremely engaging all the way through...keep pushing those edges and exploding the box into fragments..... ~Paul |
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muted
since 2004-01-15
Posts 2949Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving |
oh you terrible person!! im not pretending to sleep at all! i just woke up very early (and im not joking, this girl never sleeps for long) good morning queenie, dont be a meanie! |
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
Muted -- this was great and I was really able to identify. |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) Yay! Oh Dawn, you did indeed try something brand new and you did marvelous on it, yay, I love to spend time in coffee shops and Latin markets a lot, as there are so many stories to hear and one can breathe so easily and relax to the pan flute music, jazz, and catch up on times with friends! (kiss on cheek) You made a wonderful collage here, sweet friend, yay, I love your new picture too, God Bless You, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Dawn, thank you for sharing! May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "You'll find something that's enough to keep you But if the bright lights don't receive you You should turn yourself around and come back home" MB20 |
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Endlessecho Member
since 2003-09-05
Posts 398I live within myself |
I'm working on trying to write a sestina myself and so realize what a difficult form it is. You're poem flows together so well, you make it seem so easy. I'm jealous! ;-) This is a very well-done peice. It has a form, beautiful word usage and deeply felt and thought-provoking message. Great job! |
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eor Senior Member
since 2002-09-26
Posts 959blues & greys |
great one! i loved this, this is a really good sestina! yea! you made my day "So what befalls the flawless? |
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McLean Member
since 2004-01-05
Posts 484state of marital bliss |
Dawn~ Form? I'm so a novice. But I do know that the scenes you've painted here are so realistic and common...I relate too well. 'Tis life, I know, the story you painted, but still a tad sad to know that not all slow enough to appreciate what they had once. Love the challenge of your chewey words here. McLean |
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