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Passions in Poetry

First poem ever

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arpgeggio
New Member
since 08-31-2006
[First Post] 3


0 posted 08-31-2006 02:23 AM       View Profile for arpgeggio   Email arpgeggio   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for arpgeggio

This is actual a song I just made. I've played guitar for a long time but finally decided to put lyrics on it. Tell me what I can improve on.

you're with him
(you're with him)
wasting your time
and i am too
thinking of you
and what do to

(chorus)
why cant i get over you
it feels like we just met this noon
everytime we talk i fall back in
this neverending scene
suck me me out of this dream
© Copyright 2006 arpgeggio - All Rights Reserved
stargal
Senior Member
since 03-06-2006
Posts 1350
OR USA


1 posted 08-31-2006 09:03 AM       View Profile for stargal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for stargal

Hi arpgeggio,

Welcome to piptalk!~ Home of the one and only teen poetry forum full of stargals annoying replies lol

Okay, I'm not really sure what to tell you on the lyrics of this song - reason being is that I have no melody to go with. I know that as a whole I liked the words, probably need to think about adding more verses, but what you have now is a great start.

The chorus would have to be my favorite though; Although, the last line in that kind of loses the flow of the rest of the song, if ya know what I mean? Yet, that's just my opinion, wait until you see what others say before you go on anything I say! lol

Adios~! Once again welcome!

"I pray thee, O God, that I
may be beautiful within."
–Socrates
                     @-->---

arpgeggio
New Member
since 08-31-2006
Posts 3


2 posted 08-31-2006 10:17 AM       View Profile for arpgeggio   Email arpgeggio   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for arpgeggio

Thanks, well at least you didn't say it completely sucked. I appreciate the feedback.
SEA
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Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 01-18-2000
Posts 24152
with you


3 posted 08-31-2006 12:29 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

welcome to Pip

I like this, but seems as though it's just the begining...I'd like to see more of it.
arpgeggio
New Member
since 08-31-2006
Posts 3


4 posted 08-31-2006 08:01 PM       View Profile for arpgeggio   Email arpgeggio   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for arpgeggio

Yeah it's not really done actually, it's just one verse and a chorus. I need two verses and a bridge.
hunnie_girl
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 06-18-2006
Posts 2539
Canada


5 posted 09-04-2006 10:34 PM       View Profile for hunnie_girl   Email hunnie_girl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hunnie_girl

yay WELCOME TO PIP i'd have to agree with stargal the home of her annoying relpies:P haha kidding it's acually nice to hear her replies... well...anyway nice first post i like reading songs on pip so your greatly appreciated it was short but keep adding more to it and you might have something... hope to read more soon...
hunnie*

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your
heart.

*Alli4000*
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 03-21-2004
Posts 3212
The World of Poetry


6 posted 09-04-2006 11:02 PM       View Profile for *Alli4000*   Email *Alli4000*   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for *Alli4000*

Welcome to Pip! I really enjoyed this.

~Alli~
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