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pip_man
Member

since 2006-07-15

Posts 70
Canada

0 posted 2006-08-06 04:26 PM

I know that this does not sound like a full poem, but i thought of these two stanzas and then I could not think of anything else to connect them, but I felt like I had to post them, so here they are.

My heart bleeds out for you,
Through another sleepless night.
I know you hate me now,
I know things will never be right.

My body feels no pain now,
My thoughts appear in grey,
I take my last drink,
And i Swollow you away.

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

1 posted 2006-08-07 10:16 PM

I LOVED this... It was beautifully sad. Great Great job. I can't believe no one has posted to this yet. I think that this could have more to it but it's also great the way it is. You said so much in so little words. wonderful job..
this is going in my library

~Heather~

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

cherrys_rule
Member

since 2006-03-18

Posts 442

2 posted 2006-08-08 08:07 PM

I loved this poem from you. You did a AMAZING JOB! On this. I don't think that you need to add on to it. It's perfect the way it is.

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2006-08-09 01:49 AM

I have to agree on you not needing to add anything to this poem. The ending lines wrap the whole thing up and make it seem complete. You did a wonderful job with this! I loved the intense emotions I felt in this poem...

Thanks for sharing

"I pray thee, O God, that I
may be beautiful within."
–Socrates
@-->---

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

4 posted 2006-08-09 09:43 AM

well I think it does need more.

I think this sounds like it's the ending, sometimes that happens to me, more often than not actually...I will write the ending first then go back and find the begining. Try it, see if you can't put some thoughts in front of it, instead of trying to add more to the end of it, ya know?

But yes...I liked it a lot too, that is why I think it isn't done yet

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