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Teen Poetry #7
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by the window
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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by the window |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
I stare out the window as rain falls into the street Tears drip out of my eyes as you take away my dreams I watch you walk through the puddles, that was what we used to do Get each other as wet as we could, in those days then just me and you I sit warm and dry, by clear glass windowpanes Wet and cold out into the night, sorrow reigns You leave me, standing in the dust What happened to it all, what bout us? I will have to pick up the pieces fix our lives Every time before you came back each night This time I sit by the window, looking out At the view I once couldn’t live without The sights I can no longer see, a vision that once I could see at daybreak Now you are gone, for maybe forever, you can’t see how my heart aches To have you back, to be there for me as once you were Sweet memories, those time are now too much a blur By the window I am, mourning you, and the person that I used to be My eyes glance out at your turned back in the hope that you will look and see Just gaze at my glittering eyes on more time, look at whom you used to love, my face When we said goodbye, I held my calm, didn’t say what I wanted to in my silent grace By the window, I shake my head as a single little tear Falls, for every single little kindness, for whom I held dear I know truly in my heart, that this will be the final time I watch you recede in day’s glows, see you fade out of sight. |
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| © Copyright 2006 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hey rhia, Sorry it has take me so long to reply, I was kind of woolgathering when you posted this… Umm, not one of my favorites by you, no offence, for me it was slightly forced? When I read some of the stanzas I just felt like you put something there because you couldn’t think of what else to put, that’s just me though, and what do I know? Nothing! Also I felt like you had lines with words that weren’t needed in this, like this one for example, “Sweet memories, those time are now too much a blur”, I can see what you are trying to say, yet you are trying to say it in so many words that it is confusing the issue. That’s just my honest opinion on this though, I’m sure that other people would like the more in depth reading in this, but for me I kind of like it simple… I did like the descriptiveness of this though, like how you described the weather outside, the rain and puddles, how “you” sit warm and dry, small stuff like that adds a lot to a poem, at least for me. That’s one thing I really appreciate about a lot of your poems, the descriptiveness lets you imagine that you are with the person at that time, a spectator. It’s a very good job of drawing images in the readers head. Anyway, once again, thanks for sharing  @-->--- |
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cherrys_rule Member
since 2006-03-18
Posts 442 |
I have to say the same from what stargirl had wrote. I'm sorry, but other than that thanx 4 sharing as well |
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oh_my_goshijustgotexcited Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 52USA, IDAHO |
lol why is everyone soooo sorry when they have constructive critisism? lol its weird. but anyways, i thought that it could use some improvement i gotta run now but when im back i will read through it and see what else i think... -later Viola |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
i like constructive criticism, and its hard with the long thing sometimes. i just keep going |
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