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Teen Poetry #7
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buttercupbaby
Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 400
outside in the rain

0 posted 2006-06-16 03:30 PM


Time glistens within eyes.
Though Camera breaks.
Shards of glass litter floorboards.
Leaves behind trails of heartache.

Love flickers candle flames.
Though scissors cut.
Flecks of paper remain on counter.
Paper heart torn caught fire.

Mind presents card tricks.
Though non Vegas standard.
Radio playing same old songs.
Lyrics change with wind speed.

Heart remains pay phone.
Though times loses change.
Reciever hanging from line.
Never connecting.

Time glistens within eyes.
Recharge love's dying flame.
Deal me in another set.
Scatter change on pavement.

Connect the line which dangles.
My heart waiting for your own.
Nickles slipping between metal.
Tears are what hurt the most.

© Copyright 2006 Marisa F - All Rights Reserved
The Shadow in Blue
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 493
EL, Michigan
1 posted 2006-06-16 05:05 PM


hmmm...I liked this particular write, but not to sound too critical (and I really shouldn't be saying this 'cause I do it too), but sometimes I don't get the verb tenses you are using. For example in the first word in  last line in the first stanza

"Time glistens within eyes.
Though Camera breaks.
Shards of glass litter floorboards.
Leaves behind trails of heartache."

But I really did enjoy the theme and word choice you used.

^_^
Jill

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591
USA
2 posted 2006-06-17 12:43 PM


I do agree about the verb tenses.. they were a little confusing. but I loved this. This was absolutley amazing. I love how this poem relates to me. It is one of those poems that you have to really think about to understand.. challengin in a way. great job.. hope to hear more like this..

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

buttercupbaby
Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 400
outside in the rain
3 posted 2006-06-17 05:22 PM


thanks..i did it in a way that i wanted people to think..i think..lol. thanks alot for the critque..i love it..

-missy

tapper798
Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 353
My own world
4 posted 2006-06-22 07:18 PM


this was really unique. I liked it alot, even though I'm not sure I understand it all. It's very abstract. Keep it up!
stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
5 posted 2006-06-26 09:17 AM


Yes, I'm not sure that I understand the whole thing completely either. Yet, I like that, because now I can re-read this over and over and still get something, learn something new. I'm sure that you can do that with other poems also, but with this one there is so much more I believe you could never see in it, so you must keep trying...

"Love flickers candle flames.
Though scissors cut.
Flecks of paper remain on counter.
Paper heart torn caught fire."


I loved this part because of the images I saw in myself when I read it. Things in my past that I could look back on and see that in some ways they relate to this stanza. It was simply amazing the way you worded this poem. I loved the whole thing!

I'm afraid that I have no constructive critiques to add to this post... But, I wanted to tell you I thought this was an excellent job by you! One of my favorites in fact.

Thanks for sharing, I'd love to see more soon
Anyway,

@-->---

Fuschia
Junior Member
since 2006-06-19
Posts 35
England
6 posted 2006-06-26 09:28 AM


This really worked for me. I love to have something i can really think about. Great write. Really unusual but very clever.
buttercupbaby
Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 400
outside in the rain
7 posted 2006-06-26 01:48 PM


im glad ya'll enjoyed it, i almost didn't post it because it DOES take alot of thinking to understand it, even for me. because if someone else had wrote it, i think i would've felt differently about what i thought it meant, i think it means different things to people. I'm glad i posted it now, because i like it when people stop and think about my poetry, instead of just reading, but taking it to heart. well, thanks alot.
-missy

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