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Teen Poetry #7
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What can you do?
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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What can you do? |
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Sweetpali08 Junior Member
since 2006-05-07
Posts 40 |
What can you do when those doors of hope have closed ;and there is nothing you can do but sit there and dream ? What can you do when you feel your heart burning? And all you can do is just look at those who made life without even trying? What can you do when all your dreams that you tried to build within time.Suddenly break down! Like someone had set a bomb in a tower and ran it down? What can you do when those doors of success are there for you to see but you can never touch? What can you do when all you hear are dreams of theirs whom are dying to comfort their kids, and yet when it comes someone close they choose to never mention a name of their existance? What can you do when you know deep down, people have abused you, tortured you and there is nothing you can do but keep that mouth of yours shut? What can you do when every time you try to smile. You fall deep down that hole of complains and worries that make no sense? What can you do when everytime you had a dream carried in you. Is taken away for someone who you love? What can you do when you try to please everyone but yet not pleasing yourself? What can you do to keep a smile on your face and others around you? Is that possible? What can you do when lights of hope are shut down. And there is nothing you can do but watch that hope that was left you quickly sucked up your throat ? What can you do to control anger after it's limit? What can you do when everytime you tried to show the world who you really are. Someone kills the guts in you till you start to bleed for hope? "How are they the VICTIMS if they are the OCCUPIERS?!" ~Paradise now [This message has been edited by Sweetpali08 (06-01-2006 12:20 AM).] |
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
I liked this a lot.. the last line was my FAVORITE out of the whole poem.. this showed a great deal of emotion.. one little thing that caught my eye.. I don't think that some of the poem made since because you would say What can you do when.......(so on) and then you would end that line with when all you can do is (so on) for example.. I can't remember what you wrote so I'll put something ~ 'what can you do' when all you friends are turned against you and 'all you can do' is sit and let them walk away? ~ Do you see what I mean.. it's asking what you can do and then telling that 'all you can do is...' but other than that.. this was a great piece.. i mean.. that part is just kinda like an oxymoron.. not really a big deal.. I just think that if that was stated to actually sound correct this poem would be even better. I'm not sure why no one else has replyed to this. it is great.. keep it up.. ~Heather Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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scyzoryk_o4 Junior Member
since 2006-05-23
Posts 36Canada and Poland |
Hey, overall this is a good poem but i think it needs a little Reconstructing ... I’m hoping u want me to criticize it but if u don’t then just stop reading here... 1)"Like someone had set a bomb in a tower and ran it down?": “Ran” it down doesn’t really fit maybe dropped it down?? 2)What can you do when those doors of success are there for you to see but you can never touch?: Maybe instead of touch… Use open or the doors are locked?? 3)"what can you do when all you hear are dreams of theirs whom are dying to comfort their kids, and yet when it comes someone close they choose to never mention a name of their existance?":Maybe its just me but I read this line 5 times over and I’m still unclear of what you mean… maybe try rewording t?? 4)"What can you do when everytime you had a dream carried in you. Is taken away for someone who you love": again a little unclear 5)"What can you do to keep a smile on your face and others around you? Is that possible?": I see what your saing but there's just no flow. Well that’s what I see wrong but maybe I just completely misunderstood the poem and all of this criticism is wrong. Good luck and don’t get discouraged by my reply. Honestly I'm no expert Maksym |
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Sweetpali08 Junior Member
since 2006-05-07
Posts 40 |
Thank you both soo much. I will edit the poem now and try to fix on both. I actually love to be criticized so go ahead. Because it makes me stronger. SO Thanks for your honesty. :-}} "How are they the VICTIMS if they are the OCCUPIERS?!" ~Paradise now |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hey Sweetpali08, There's not really anything i can add on critiques, both of the other people who put in their comments pretty much said it all for me. Great job on this, I really liked reading your poem. Although, could we see the edited version? I know it is to late for you to go back and change it, but can you re-post the poem inside this post? I'd really like to see how it has turned out from the suggestions. Thanks for sharing, i look forward to reading more  @-->--- |
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Sweetpali08 Junior Member
since 2006-05-07
Posts 40 |
Yes sure .. Still kinda bad but here you go: Please any suggestions? What can you do: When those doors of hope have closed ; and there is nothing you can do but sit there and dream ? When all your dreams that you tried to build within time.Suddenly break down! Like someone had set a bomb in a tower and dropped it down? When those doors of success are there for you to see but are locked in a tank? When all you hear are dreams of theirs whom are dying to comfort their kids, and yet when it comes to you; You can barely find a taste of your name on their tongues? When you know deep down, people have abused you, tortured you Yet there is nothing you can do but keep that mouth of yours shut? When every time you try to smile. You fall deep down that hole of complains and worries that make no sense? When everytime you had a dream carried in you. Someone just had to take it to complete on with their life and forget about yours? When you try to please everyone but yet not pleasing yourself? To always keep a smile on your face and others around you? When lights of hope are shut down. And there is nothing you can do but watch that hope that was left you quickly sucked up your throat? To control thoughts that run around your head without pride? When everytime you tried to show the world who you really are. Someone kills the guts in you till you start to bleed for hope? "How are they the VICTIMS if they are the OCCUPIERS?!" |
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