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Teen Poetry #7

Broken Inside

Belinda
Member

since 2006-01-30

Posts 126
UK

0 posted 2006-05-30 10:25 AM

A Tear Rolls Down Her Cheek,
The Cries Dance Silently,
The Truth She's Out To Seek,
Slips Away Quietly.

Do You Love Her At All?
Are You Telling The Truth?
Do You Really Hate Her?
Careful With The Words You Use.

If You Don't Mean it,
Don't Say It At All.
Althought It's Out Of Anger,
It Hurts Her All The More.

She's Nothing Like Worthless,
Selfish She Is Not,
Saying This Makes You Spiteful,
But What You Say, Means Alot.

I Know What You're Problem Is,
She's Stronger Than You,
You Would Never Be Able To Take,
All The Crap You've Put Her Through.

Standing Infront Of The Mirror,
She Criticises Herself,
Shouting Names In Her Head,
She Wants To Be Like Everyone Else.

This Girl Is Beautiful,
On The Inside And On The Out,
Let Her Live Her Life,
And Stop Holdng Her Down.

Belinda
Member

since 2006-01-30

Posts 126
UK

1 posted 2006-05-30 10:26 AM

Hi I Wasn't Sure On This One So I Would Be Very Glad To Hear What You Think And Constructive Criticisme WOld Be Much Apprecciated.

Thanks A Million.

Belinda x

scyzoryk_o4
Junior Member

since 2006-05-23

Posts 36
Canada and Poland

2 posted 2006-05-31 11:06 PM

Hey, it's nice...oh wait u wanted constructive criticism... well it flows well and has a very strong message. The third stanza is definitely my favorite because it’s such a good message.

If you want me to pick at it here I go:
1)"Selfish She Is Not": if maybe u used “she's” instead it would flow a little better

2) "Shouting Names In Her Head": Um maybe its just me but I don’t think she would be shouting "names", maybe horrors or insults??

Well that’s all I can think of, but please don’t just change all these things because I criticized them. After all I’m new as well.
So ya good luck

Maksym

Ace of Crimson Tears
Junior Member

since 2006-03-03

Posts 14
United States

3 posted 2006-06-02 11:45 AM

the poem was great, there are a few things that could use some work though. everything was good just try to expand your vocab a little.

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