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Teen Poetry #7
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penguin5
Junior Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 21
Washington

0 posted 2006-05-30 12:04 PM


We no longer feel optimism
People like me
While other kids laugh with friends
I stare from across the room

We spend our Friday nights at home
People like me
Sweet Mary Jane
Gives no sympathy

And why should anyone feel sorry
For people like me
For I never asked
How they were doing

© Copyright 2006 penguin5 - All Rights Reserved
stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
1 posted 2006-05-30 08:55 AM


Umm, not one of my favorites by you so far. It seemed to be lacking something, like, it seemed to be void to me, no offence.

Yet, i do think with a little more polish, this could turn out to be a terrific poem!
I love the general idea, it's perfect. Also, the second stanza, my favorite, amazing, wouldn't change it at all, it's... perfect!

Thanks for sharing your poem with us!

@-->---

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
2 posted 2006-05-30 10:44 AM


Penquin~
I noticed from your profile that you play violin ...

'We spend our Friday nights at home
People like me
Sweet Mary Jane
Gives no sympathy'


... is 'Mary Jane' a pet name for your violin, or is that a metaphor for the  girl of your dreams ?

Enjoyed the way your presented the 'aloneness' of some people ...
often feeling alone in a crowd is something that many know ...
sometimes too shy to open up ... ?
I dunno ... just some thoughts I had in reading this~

*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~
Email -       noles1@totcon.com     

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