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Teen Poetry #7
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nubee
Junior Member
since 2006-05-15
Posts 10


0 posted 2006-05-15 02:04 AM



why you said yes,
i do not know,
but then again,
it was like a november snow,

i knew it would never work,
but tried so hard,
becuase i liked you so,
but does that make me, a retard?

all i want to say,
is that i hope that it will be ok,
becuase after all,
it wouldn't have worked out anyway.


hey guys, i'm ryan, a new guy. heh. i like poetry and recently found this. i love all your poems and hope i get to them. i recently had a friend, a very good freind. but someone asked her out and she said yes. i'm not very sad, becuase as my poem said( i hope it was ok) it wouldn't have worked anyway.
             -thanks, ryan 13

© Copyright 2006 nubee - All Rights Reserved
nubee
Junior Member
since 2006-05-15
Posts 10

1 posted 2006-05-15 02:48 AM


Hey guys... sry if it was kinda short...( was my first) but those were the thoghts on my mind. =/ would love any lecturing on it.
SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676
with you
2 posted 2006-05-15 10:17 AM


welcome to Pip!

understand the emotions behind this...

*please check your email for a special greeting!

penguin5
Junior Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 21
Washington
3 posted 2006-05-16 02:32 AM


nice, i really liked the first stanza, you emotions are very evident in this .
stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
4 posted 2006-05-28 07:15 PM


Hey Ryan,

I’m sorry that I am so late in replying to your post!
I’ve been out of the country so I’m kind of behind.
By the way, thank you for posting on mine also, it was appreciated.

I’m glad that you are okay with how things are working out, like you said in the poem.

The poem itself isn’t to short in fact you could have a poem of one line if you wanted too. For me, it’s not really a matter of length, it’s the expressions, and emotions put into the poem that matter.

By November snow, were you saying that it’s unpredictable? Like unpredictable about why she said yes? Sorry, where I now live we do not get snow, well, we do, but like only two days out of the entire year!

Second stanza, I like it, but I feel like it may need a little bit of polish. You might want to add an “I” to the second line in that stanza. I dislike the use of “retard” also, in fact I dislike a lot of self bashing when it is not needed, but to each his own… From what you have said though, I would not call you a retard.

I also might change the words in the third line on the second stanza, maybe take out the “because”, it might help the flow some…

Most of all I enjoyed the last stanza, it was cool that you were okay with it all, that you knew even though you liked her it wouldn’t work out, and you were willing to let things go. Very mature of you!

I hope to see more poems from you, but until than I’ll wait in suspense

PS. Welcome to pip!

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