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Tempest
Member

since 2006-04-28

Posts 247
dont eat paint chips!!!!

0 posted 2006-05-01 09:19 PM

Im flying high above the city
Looking through the dreams
That make up make-believe

The rain starts falling
Its coming down so fast
I just wish that I
Could re-live the past

And then I
Start falling to the ground
But all I hear is the screaming constant sound

Of the rain that starts falling
Thats coming down so fast
All I wish is that I
Could re-live the past

There's to much pain
Like one big stain
Im dying on the floor
As you just keep walking to the door

The rain keeps falling
Its coming down so fast
I just wish that I
Could re-live the past

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

1 posted 2006-05-01 09:29 PM

Ok.. I like your poem.. alot, although.. it is not my favorite by you.. I've posted on your other poetry. if you can recall and loved all of them.. but this one didn't seem to me.. like you put all your emotions in it.. or maybe you did and just couldn't find a way to really write them down.

My favorite part of the whole poem.. is the very first stanza.. it just drug me in the poem.. and I was hooked.. the stanza that you repeated.. was nice too.. but I feel like the rhythmn of you poem could use a little work.. maybe a little more organized.. I'm sorry if I sound harsh.. I usually never say anything wrong but that's because I usually understand and feel deeply every poem that I read.. I analyze it and contrast it.. and love it..

Needless to say.. I do love this poem. maybe it could be shaped up.. but other than that.. I like it..

I hope to hear more from you.. and I believe you will probably get much feedback on this some that agree with me and some that strongly disagree.. just know.. that poetry is art.. and art.. well.. art is what you make it..

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

2 posted 2006-05-03 12:50 PM

Hi Tempest,

I’m afraid that I agree with Heather, on this not being my favorite poem by you.

As much as I like ”The rain keeps falling, it’s coming down so fast, I just wish I that I could re-live the past”, I’m not sure I would have repeated it. I do understand why this poem is named rain, because of those stanzas, at least I think it is, but I do not think it was absolutely necessary, you could have used it once, and still titled this “Rain”. That’s just my opinion though.

I love the first stanza on this also, mostly because it has the line,
”That make up make-believe”,
I really love those words, it’s kind of magical what good words/sentences/ideas can do to you…

Anyway, good work on this one, I think with a little more polish this could be an even more amazing poem than it already is!

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