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Teen Poetry #7
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Reality
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Reality |
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cherrys_rule Member
since 2006-03-18
Posts 442 |
Have you ever had a boyfirnd that you loved and he loved you back? Have you ever spent the whole day with him even though he was on crack? Have you ever had a fight with fim over a stupid kid named Tim? Have you ever thought you two were in a magical land? SNAP BACK TO REALITY! Hit your head on the ground because of the gravity. Some how your relationship just failed out of no where, like a piece of bread that went stale. You decided to let him go, only because you didn't see your relationship flow. You two faught and faught, but it only made you more distraut. You had fun with your man, but this wasn't yuor future plan. You're really not sorry if you've treated him with brutality, but unfortunately my dear... this is reality. cherrys_rule you might have scars all over your body, but what about the ones engraved in your memory. |
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| © Copyright 2006 cherrys_rule - All Rights Reserved | |||
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
This was not my favorite poem by you.. My suggestions.. Grammar and spelling mostly spelling.. I do it too so don't worry.. you can correct it.. I liked the idea of the poem but... ...it just doesn't seem to have a beat or keep the idea going.. and the whole KID NAMED TIM thing threw me off.. even though I know that it was just an example used in your poem.. it sounds like it was put in the peom just becaused it rhymed.. I believe that if you shape this up a bit It could be a great piece. I hope I don't sound harsh... I don't like telling people that there's something that I dislike about their work but I just wanted to let you know... good job.. and maybe I'll hear some more out of you..  ~Heather Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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cherrys_rule Member
since 2006-03-18
Posts 442 |
Sorry I forgot to read this, Ummm Yeah i saw the spelling errors. I just Didn't go back and read it again. But now it's too late to go back. your not harsh at all. You should read what I put On other ppls poems. I get pretty mean on those things. I'm like Simon on "American Idol" lol! |
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bekahlekah45 Senior Member
since 2006-03-14
Posts 533 |
this was good. what is fim?? but yeah this was pretty good |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Well, I didn’t love it but I didn’t dislike it? For me it sounds more like a rant, no offence, more like you are not ranting at us but at yourself? I don’t know, it’s another one of my weird ideas… I don’t really have any suggestions since, what I might’ve said, has already been voiced by Heather. I did like this part though, “ SNAP BACK TO REALITY! Hit your head on the ground because of the gravity.” I found that to be kind of a cool image… Anyway, I would like to see some more of your work soon  @-->--- |
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