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Voices

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stargal
Senior Member
since 03-06-2006
Posts 1350
OR USA


0 posted 04-04-2006 06:00 PM       View Profile for stargal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for stargal

Hey everyone,

I am sorry, I know this is kind of long to be posting online!
I would greatly appreciate if ya’ll could help me come up with a better ending though.
Cause I am not quite sure what to do yet.

Thanks


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Here I am once again
Hiding in my room  
I sit upon my bed
Trying not to listen
Trying not to hear
Yet the shouts seem so near…"

With my pen in hand
I wrote those words
So very long ago it might seem
Yet these questions still remain
Along with a heart that felt pain

How could you?
I was but a child
I did not understand what was about to be
Nor what those words truly meant, to you and to me
But I could hear the anger
So deep inside of you
It poured out into the night upon the wings of hate…

To this day I carry scars
But of a different kind
Not the sort upon my skin
But that which preys upon my mind

I hear the voices once again
Loud and clear, angry shouts fill the air
Though I can not hide upon my bed
I now hide within my head
Yet those voices live within me
So very deep inside of me
As you might one day see…

@-->---

© Copyright 2006 stargal - All Rights Reserved
curiouse
Member
since 03-21-2006
Posts 282
england


1 posted 04-04-2006 06:04 PM       View Profile for curiouse   Email curiouse   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for curiouse

i like it, really like it!
but i don't have the talent to know how to end it. i'll leave that up to the profesionals,
smiles
curiouse
bekahlekah45
Senior Member
since 03-14-2006
Posts 527


2 posted 04-04-2006 06:37 PM       View Profile for bekahlekah45   Email bekahlekah45   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bekahlekah45

wow....very nice write.  idk about the ending thing.  im not a good poet haha.  yeah like the above comment says, leave it to the pros!  haha
sometimesitslonely
Junior Member
since 12-27-2005
Posts 40
USA


3 posted 04-05-2006 07:30 PM       View Profile for sometimesitslonely   Email sometimesitslonely   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for sometimesitslonely

It's amazingly written. It's a sad poem, but amazing. I loved the length, it seemed just right for this poem. With, the story, the "plot", it was perfect. No need for apologies. Awesome.

This smile is fake,
These tears aren't.

aliway
Member
since 03-05-2006
Posts 185
With in your eyes


4 posted 04-05-2006 08:03 PM       View Profile for aliway   Email aliway   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for aliway

Great poem
I think the ending was prefect but I’m not a pro. but I think you should keep it just as is.
A Every sad poem. Love the size of it, very ease to read.

*leah
latteaddict213
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 02-17-2006
Posts 526
Colorado


5 posted 04-08-2006 06:59 PM       View Profile for latteaddict213   Email latteaddict213   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for latteaddict213

Stargal I like the ending. Whats wrong with it? Nice poem. The legnth was perfect for this piece of work. Good job.

                  Jessica
stargal
Senior Member
since 03-06-2006
Posts 1350
OR USA


6 posted 04-08-2006 07:46 PM       View Profile for stargal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for stargal

Hey everyone,

Thank you so much for posting replies, I really appreciate it!

Jessica- The reason I do not like the ending, or most of this poem for that matter, is that it is rather abrupt in the ending.

@-->---

latteaddict213
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 02-17-2006
Posts 526
Colorado


7 posted 04-09-2006 02:00 PM       View Profile for latteaddict213   Email latteaddict213   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for latteaddict213

ohh. I get you. Thanx.

                 Jessica
Merik
New Member
since 04-10-2006
Posts 6


8 posted 04-10-2006 11:39 PM       View Profile for Merik   Email Merik   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Merik

I think it's really good. Although im not a pro just trust your instinct when it comes to the ending whatever feels the best will be the best so usually i change my end about 3 times then go back to the original!
rockbabe
Member
since 01-29-2006
Posts 105


9 posted 09-03-2006 01:30 PM       View Profile for rockbabe   Email rockbabe   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rockbabe

I am totally astonished by this ....filled with emotion and feels so real.


Great write.
V
*Alli4000*
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 03-21-2004
Posts 3212
The World of Poetry


10 posted 09-03-2006 08:57 PM       View Profile for *Alli4000*   Email *Alli4000*   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for *Alli4000*

I actually quite like the ending!  I personally think you should leave it as is.

And about the poem being too long, I think it's perfect.  Nothing is too long to post here.

Ha, well I've kind of rambled a bit here in my comment, so to get to the point: I really think this poem is great!

~Alli~
samanthalauren
New Member
since 12-08-2008
Posts 1


11 posted 12-08-2008 07:56 PM       View Profile for samanthalauren   Email samanthalauren   Edit/Delete Message     View IP for samanthalauren

I absolutel love it!

and I can definately relate.

great piece of work
i see no problem with the end but i get what you are saying
bek123
New Member
since 03-19-2010
Posts 2


12 posted 03-19-2010 01:56 AM       View Profile for bek123   Email bek123   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bek123

Hey Stargal,
I haven't read your poem yet, though I intend to.  I used to be a member on here like 4 years ago.  i think my name may have been bekahlekah?  idk.  I can't remember for the life of me!  I was thinking about your poetry recently and wondered if you were still writing!
My favorite has always been silence      
Love it!
toriber
Junior Member
since 06-10-2010
Posts 22
texas


13 posted 06-10-2010 01:05 PM       View Profile for toriber   Email toriber   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for toriber

you are so good
stargal will be notified of replies
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