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Teen Poetry #7
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drowningmonky
Junior Member
since 2006-03-02
Posts 14
miami, florida

0 posted 2006-04-01 08:23 PM



do u wonder what im doing now
Im outside
Its so cold u see
Im outside
thinking about you and me
watching as my blood falls u see.

I know u hear me
you choose to ignore
my plea
undo me
take away these chains
you have hooked upon me

Im so bland and pale
is that why you left me
Im so disturbed and frajile
should i seek help
what do u think?

Am I still precious
as you once whispered to me
do You miss me as u once
declared to me?

Street light went off
now what how can i see
I still hear u whispering to me
I still feel ur body on top of me
so weak
I need u close to me
cant believe this is the end
now your to far to see
what has become of me



© Copyright 2006 Lisa - All Rights Reserved
stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
1 posted 2006-04-01 11:26 PM


Hey,

Welcome to pip! I enjoyed reading this, hope to see more of your work.

@-->---

stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
2 posted 2006-04-02 07:53 PM


Hi,

I know i posted already, but I am going to post again and make sure this moves back to the top of the list, i believe more people should see this poem and offer inputs. I apologize for being the only one so far

@-->---

latteaddict213
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523
Colorado
3 posted 2006-04-08 08:43 PM


It could have been organized better. the lines per stanzas could have had more of a pattern and the words per line. You don't have to listen to me this is only a suggestion.

                 Jessica

drowningmonky
Junior Member
since 2006-03-02
Posts 14
miami, florida
4 posted 2006-04-16 04:12 AM


FIXED SOME MISTAKES
do you wonder what im doing now
Im outside
Its so cold you see
Im outside
thinking about you and me
watching as my blood falls you see.

I know you hear me
you choose to ignore
my plea
undo me
take away these chains
you have hooked upon me.

Im so bland and pale
is that why you left me?
Im so disturbed and frajile
should i seek help
what do u think?

Am I still precious
as you once whispered to me?
do You miss me as u once
declared to me?

Street light went off
now what how can i see?
I still hear you whispering to me
I still feel your body on top of me
so weak
I need you close to me
cant believe this is the end
now your to far to see
what has become of me?

aliway
Member
since 2006-03-05
Posts 185
With in your eyes
5 posted 2006-04-17 11:48 PM


its a good poem.
very sad

*leah

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