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sometimesitslonely
Junior Member

since 2005-12-27

Posts 41
USA

0 posted 2006-03-27 08:38 PM

My heart beats,
tired and weary,
I broke the line,
and barriers of you.

Shattered this mirror,
better than your face,
so tired, so soundless,
my life is motionless.

My heart beats,
slowly and deadly,
together and empty,
just as it should be.

This smile is fake,
These tears aren't.

ShelbyLynn13
Member

since 2006-02-15

Posts 73
US, Colorodo

1 posted 2006-03-28 09:48 AM

it could of flowed a lot better but the idea of the poem is good....i think. i dunno. i just think it could have flowed better

every one is special in their own way!!!

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

2 posted 2006-03-28 09:51 AM

ooops! sorry! i posted that. my computer was logged in as her cause she was over a few days ago. sorry! the post on top of this is mine. sorry!

           Jessica

    Character is what you
      do when you think that
         no one is loking--??

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2006-03-28 07:21 PM

Okay, I'm sorry to say that I also agree with ShelbyLynn.
I believe it could have flowed better. I also think that it is a little confusing.
I think that the first two stanzas do not seem complete? I like the first two lines, or the last two lines, of those stanzas
but they do not seem to match the other two lines? Wow... That is confusing!
Let me just show you what I mean, 1st stanza;

"My heart beats,
tired and weary,
I broke the line,
and barriers of you."
"My heart beats, tired and weary" I love those first two lines, they seem to fit so well! Yet I think that "I broke the line, and barriers of you", does not belong.
That is just me though...
Or the second stanza;
"Shattered this mirror,
better than your face,
so tired, so soundless,
my life is motionless."
The part "Shattered this mirror, better than your face", I'm not sure I understand that, could you please enlighten me? Are you saying you punched the guy?!
lol... I do enjoy the last two lines though, "so tired, so soundless, my life is motionless", that has great flow! It just fits so right...
Anyway, that is just my opinion... I could be so wrong about this!
I loved the last stanza though, my favorite one

I also loved the general idea of the poem... Thanks for sharing your poem

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