»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #7
»
Lies
| Teen Poetry #7 |
|
Lies |
|
|
helenadepp Member
since 2006-01-16
Posts 59durham, england 
|
Don't say you understand Don't say that you care Cos when i look around it seems your never there Don't tell me that you love me Don't tell me im too thin Cos in these stupid arguments it seems i never win Don't tell me i have friends Don't tell me im not alone Cos when i come and visit you it seems your not at home Don't say you'll never leave me Don't say you'll always be my friend Cos i finally realised something... your words are nothing but lies |
||
| © Copyright 2006 helen sewell - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hey, Just a few suggestions on your poem; 1) The first and second stanza, the ending lines don’t seem to fit. I mean they fit, but they don’t flow well. I would change this line, “Cos when i look around it seems your never there”, to more of “cause when I look around, it seems your never here”. And on the second stanza; “cos in these stupid arguments it seems I never win”, to something else? The “it seems” throws the rhythm off, or that’s just what I think. 2) Spelling! When you don’t take the time to spell correctly, it gives the reader a feeling you don’t care about the poem, so why should they waste their time posting on it? All in all, I like the poem! I like how at the beginning of each stanza for the first two lines you have the “don’t say, don’t tell”, it brings it all together! Great job, and keep writing more! @-->--- |
||
*Alli4000*
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188The World of Poetry |
Very nice poem Helen! I enjoyed reading it, and thought it was a very good write.  ~Alli~ |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
