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the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

0 posted 2006-03-09 08:11 PM

A little girl plays in the rain,
a game with odds and ends.
A doll, a key, a pebble,
and a story of pretend.

A couple years down the road,
she starts to make some friends.
A get-together after school,
slumber party, and pretend.

Junior high rolls around,
there's nothing to regret.
She thinks life is all a pretend,
but that she'll soon forget.

On her way to high school,
a memory always last.
One chance to make up for,
her mishaps in the past.

She'll fall in love I know,
before it boils down to an end...
She'll remember where she's going,
but forget it's all pretend.

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa
Member

since 2003-07-16

Posts 248

1 posted 2006-03-09 10:20 PM

WOW Heather. This is absolutely fantastic. I have zero criticisms on this: it flowed fantastically, it had an awesome, subtle rhyme scheme, and was a fantastic story(poem?)line. I think this is great. Honestly, I can only say wow.

Thanks for sharing.
<3Keryn

When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
Mae West

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

2 posted 2006-03-10 12:32 PM

i fully agree. WOW! its wonderful!

           Jessica

    Character is what you
      do when you think that
         no one is loking--??

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2006-03-10 12:59 PM

I’m sorry I have to be the one so negative but…

I like the general idea of the poem(can you call that an idea?).
It’s beautiful in how it shows how people will grow up and change!
But it really didn’t do much for me…. I kind of felt like it was a little stiff in places?
I know others said it had excellent flow, and I hate to be the only one out there saying it doesn’t cause I don’t know I’m talking about! It’s just the way I felt. Some of the words didn’t belong?
Other than that, I love it.

I love how it shows how I myself have changed, going from dolls to parties, to who knows!

Thanks for sharing this with me though.

P.S. I like a lot of your posts don’t get me wrong! This one just didn’t do anything for me personally.

@-->---

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

4 posted 2006-03-10 12:59 PM

wow... i feel really bad now! please disregard my last post, i shouldn't have said anything at all

@-->---

byski
Member

since 2006-01-26

Posts 235
Alberta, Canada

5 posted 2006-03-10 11:50 AM

Impressive, very impressive. I'm speechless in a way. I love how you take the childlike innocence that we all have and bring it out in the end. It kind of forces you to think back and remember what it was like to be a kid. We all were innocent at one point and the dreams we are persuing now were innocent childlike dreams we had back then, they just are not so innocent anymore. This is going to the library.

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

6 posted 2006-03-11 11:24 AM

Thanks everyone for your comments. Greatly appreciated.

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

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