navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #7 » What do you do?
Teen Poetry #7
Post A Reply Post New Topic What do you do? Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
latteaddict213
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523
Colorado

0 posted 2006-03-06 09:41 PM



When your life is
falling apart,
what do you do?

When you've tried
every thing,
what do you do?

When the only time
you talk to your
parents is when you're
fighting with them,
what do you do?

When time is
slipping away,
what do you do?

When no one can
help you,
what do you do?

When you can't stop
feeling pain,
what do you do?

When you collapse for
nothing in the middle
of nowhere,
what do you do?

When you have nobody
to talk to,
what do you do?

When you can't
eat a crumb,
what do you do?

When your all alone
being miserable,
what do you do?

When someone sees you
doing something you
shouldn't,
what do you do?

When you are motion
less and need help,
what do you do?

When nothing goes
right,
what do you do?

When my life is
falling apart,
what do I do?


           Jessica    
              
    Character is what you
      do when you think that
         no one is loking--??

[This message has been edited by latteaddict213 (03-07-2006 12:24 AM).]

© Copyright 2006 Jessica - All Rights Reserved
the_girl_next_door
Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591
USA
1 posted 2006-03-06 09:47 PM


WOW, Jessica, this is great.. I love the way you changed at the end and instead of saying 'you' you said 'I'.. wonderful poem.. I can relate in many ways.. I kinda wrote a poem like this once.. but it was in a style that I write..

Great job..

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

latteaddict213
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523
Colorado
2 posted 2006-03-06 09:48 PM


thanx

           Jessica    
              :)
    Character is what you
      do when you think that
         no one is loking--??

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591
USA
3 posted 2006-03-06 09:53 PM


your welcome.. i just posted a new poem too. well it's not that I just wrote it but new to this site..

oh and I really can't find anything wrong with this poem just incase you were wanting to know..

i loved it.

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

latteaddict213
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523
Colorado
4 posted 2006-03-06 09:55 PM


thanx. ijust got a pop up 4 my e-mail that you responded as I was responding to yours

           Jessica    
              :)
    Character is what you
      do when you think that
         no one is loking--??

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 988
nowhere special
5 posted 2006-03-06 10:25 PM


nice. to answer some of them. you take a deep breath. and you ask for help. or else help yourself. and keep trying.

sweet write. i liked it.

*karissa*

I ask why, but in my mind,
I find i cant really rely on myself.
~~~Linkin Park~~~

latteaddict213
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523
Colorado
6 posted 2006-03-06 10:27 PM


thank you

           Jessica    
              :)
    Character is what you
      do when you think that
         no one is loking--??

tearsoflove13762
Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent
7 posted 2006-03-06 11:12 PM


ok so sometimes repetition isnt a good thing.
But i also understand that you are just expressing your feelings so ok go on ahead and do it.. if you are gonna repeat dont make it so long! not very many people want to read the same thing over and over again for over like 5-7 stanzas and when you do a poem like this try and keep the lines and stanzas the same length and if you rhyme keep rhyming( i dont remember if you did the rhyming thing or not i just kinda added it) sometimes with out these things it works but not often enough

keep writing
Laura

how did you break my heart when it wasn't whole to start?

aol sn- tearsoflove13762

latteaddict213
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523
Colorado
8 posted 2006-03-06 11:55 PM


thank you. what do you think i should get rid of?

           Jessica    
              :)
    Character is what you
      do when you think that
         no one is loking--??

stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
9 posted 2006-03-07 12:11 PM


Hey!

Great poem… I really liked it, mostly because I can relate to a lot of what you said.

One thing is the repeating of “what do you do”, it’s great but sometimes it can be a little much. Though, like someone else remarked, I like how at the end you changed it to “what do I do”.

Another thing is spelling… Yes, everyone doesn’t spell perfect, but in poetry I find you notice it more than just chatting online.
So, that’s just a thought, personally I cheat and use Microsoft Word to help with my spelling!

Other than that just keep writing
I’d really like to see some more of your work

latteaddict213
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523
Colorado
10 posted 2006-03-07 12:20 PM


thank you. i will look in to spell check  


I think I fixed it all. thanx again


           Jessica    
              
    Character is what you
      do when you think that
         no one is loking--??

Free_Spirit07
Member
since 2006-01-29
Posts 222
The middle of my mind!
11 posted 2006-03-07 02:14 AM


Hey i thought maybe that you carried the "what do you do" on for a long time...but the end of the poem just made it come together.

p.s im'a start telling people more then "great poem" coz i saw that its not meant to be done like that. hope you don't mind me saying what i thought)  

x0x0
Free_Spirit07    
~%#*So far from perfect!*#%~
~%#*So far from life and living!*#%~

latteaddict213
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523
Colorado
12 posted 2006-03-07 09:21 AM


thank you. that can be more helpful at times. sometimes i cant think of any thing to const Constructively Critique. it just to good. thanks again

           Jessica    
              :)
    Character is what you
      do when you think that
         no one is loking--??

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #7 » What do you do?

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary