childhood days of longing.

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electricxheart
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 184
far away from home.

0 posted 2005-07-03 02:39 PM

i can bend, into the wind;
the flowers in
your hair.
and we danced. there
was no one
in our near sighted
distance, our new
and fresh picked love.
it came from
the rough soil,
left tobe sculpted by
your smooth
and rebellious hands.
"love is love is love."
we knew all of
these things too well.
everything
taught in between riddles
and laughs
escaping from glorious
newborn lips
and blue cotton from
the sky.
the world was at ease,
our beginning
started and stopped
in peace.

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

1 posted 2005-07-10 11:03 AM

"i can bend, into the wind;
the flowers in
your hair."

Fix the pausing here
-i can bend,
into the wind;
the flowers
in your hair

"and we danced. there
was no one
in our near sighted
distance, our new
and fresh picked love."

I really love how you phrased this but look what happens when I fix the pausing and perhaps you overdid the adjetives.

-and we danced...
no one was there
in near sighted distance,
our new and ripe love

"it came from
the rough soil,
left tobe sculpted by
your smooth
and rebellious hands.
"love is love is love.""

-ok Here the pausing is perfect, but look at how the minor changes I made improved it.

-it came from
the rough, (untouched?) soil,
left tobe sculpted by
your smooth(I would pick another word like kiss)
yet rebellious hands.
"love is love is love"

"we knew all of
these things too well.
everything
taught in between riddles
and laughs
escaping from glorious
newborn lips
and blue cotton from
the sky."

-I wouldn't change this in the world.

"the world was at ease,
our beginning
started and stopped
in peace."

Love that ending. look at how I broke up the poem into the three sections. Do this, because you slightly changed subjects and this will help the reader. Watch pausing and grammer in poems. It is better to be coherant then choppy and fit. never force things poems. I think if you make these changes this poem will be a hit.

Good write.
-Juju

Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic

The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (;

electricxheart
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 184
far away from home.

2 posted 2005-07-10 02:49 PM

Thanks so much. That really helped
me see what parts need improvement.
I really appreciate it. =)

-Kelly

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

3 posted 2005-07-11 10:13 PM

I've gotten away from this gentle natural flow of writing. mine is all over the place lately.
this reminds me of someone just riding the wind with their hand and grinning an all knowing smile. its so serene.

skoolyardturtle
Member

since 2005-06-28

Posts 96

4 posted 2005-07-12 12:50 PM

this is good, i enjoyed it till the end.

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