»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #7
»
smile crooked (gaps in the causeway)
| Teen Poetry #7 |
|
smile crooked (gaps in the causeway) |
|
|
young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN 
|
smile crooked (gaps in the causeway) take a breath and feel the air rush inside, a little colder than the heart of the arctic, but with less inhabitants. you are lonely, aren't you? (Of course, aren't we all?) just a little tired...slept late... we've all held up a train wrecked in all its splendor. take a breath and feel... the air. deeper, deeper still...still deeper, inside your heart lies the arctic. you know that is lonely right? (are we all off course?) i slept late...a little justice and deprivation. we've all held up a train wreck in all its splendor. |
||
| © Copyright 2005 Alex Lewis - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
kissa~rachelle Senior Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 988nowhere special |
amazing...i guess things never change. <3 karissa I ask why, but in my mind, |
||
|
Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
beautfil. I'm oh so lonely. I'll admit. |
||
|
young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
karissa, thanks. lexy, thanks. i'm glad that you guys read my stuff. i think people tend to shy away from it. oh well, thanks again. |
||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I noticed that you're trying to use visual clues to control the caesura in the spoken flow of your poem. Sometimes, I believe, you ought to settle for either a line break or an ellipsis without just putting both of them together in the hopes that something will work out, especially when you're asking for a pause that is uncharacteristic of the way one would expect to hear a sentence. I'm talking about this part, right here: quote:The first phrase, which doesn't use the ellipsis, makes this one seem as though there ought to be stress on the word "feel." Instead of using the ellipsis, to imply a longer pause, I think you ought to simply place that emphasis on the word "feel" somehow---italicize it, or if you're not a big fan of that, give it its own line (though I think italics would be a better option). I like how the poem starts off, with an imperative, an instruction followed by a description of what one ought to experience (or, it is implied that you are also taking a "deep breath" and relating to your audience). It helps set a place, and it keeps the description subtle, almost making it seem less important than it obviously is. The way you reverse things by changing the meaning of the same words is interesting. It helps both stanzas to feel strangely familiar but only altered in their given interpretations, like taking two glances at the same photograph and seeing something the second time that you knew you saw the first time, only you hadn't noticed something about it before. I had to read this poem a couple of times to really gather that. I'm glad, though, that I wandered into this lonely forum to take a look around. I like this more than I was expecting to, and I will probably read your poetry again in the future. I hope some of my comments have been helpful. See you around. Brian |
||
|
young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
thank you brian. at first i was kinda ed off that you didn't like it, but i really appreciate the critique. it was very helpful. |
||
|
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Hey, Just because I'm not throwing you a personal parade doesn't mean I "didn't like it." Saying something like "I like it" or "I don't like it" are too simple and hardly useful at all. I was trying to offer some humble suggestions from the point of view of a modest reader of poetry. So, please don't be ed off. |
||
|
young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
no man, it's cool. i really do appreciate it. i dont get such good critiques that often. |
||
|
StarryEyed3 Member
since 2005-06-26
Posts 58bostonia |
wow this is beautiful... you just broke my heart a little |
||
|
young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
thanks. |
||
|
tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent |
wow and i can honestly say i never, absolutely NEVER get your poetry... maybe i was never open minded enough before. but now, wow... this just made me sit back and think a lot about so much. -Laura love will make you beautiful |
||
|
* shining star* Member
since 2005-06-29
Posts 76PA,USA |
Wow, this piece was amazing. All I can say is wow! |
||
|
spaz02 Member
since 2005-06-28
Posts 74USA |
WOW! i loved smile crooked...you are such a deep thinker and writer...i hope to have some of the writing skills that you have someday! spaz02 |
||
|
young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
thanks for the encouragement |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
