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tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

0 posted 2005-05-11 01:34 AM

yes I have gone back to the "baby" thing again but not so much this time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
although your not my lover
although your not my friend
I would do anything baby
to have you here,
holdin my hand.

so hard to believe
your not here beside me
I long to touch you,
but baby your out of my reach.

That girl I used to be
is just a shadow living inside of me.

I am sitting her in my room
holding on to something so far gone,
wondering where, just where did I go so wrong?

It is really all over, baby
It is really gone
It really isn't right
and the funny thing is,
I just found out tonight.

Your not here beside me,
your out of my reach.

Since it really is over,
and it really is gone;
Baby it is time that I let you go.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2005-05-11 09:08 AM

there are a few spelling errors that make this choppy for me...and the endding would have been better
from

"Since it really is over,
and it really is gone;
Baby it is time that I let you go"

to maybe

Since it really is over,
and it really is gone;
it's time that i move on...

then it would rhyme and not just drop there at the end..
but hey, those are just my thoughts, other than that, the flow was good and the rhyme felt unforced and I liked the 'baby' in it, gives it a more personal feel..

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

2 posted 2005-05-11 08:57 PM

thanks for ur comments SEA! ya i was half asleep when i wrote it.

love will make you beautiful

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

3 posted 2005-05-13 07:54 PM

see i don't really mind the baby's because come on...this is a teenage forum, and what do many teenagers call their boyfriends/girls? baby. lol i'm guilty of it too, so don't worry about it in my opinion...if you like it in your writing, you should keep it that way and say screw everyone (haha, no offense to everyone). do you get what i mean? plus, if you were to say insert his name instead of baby, it makes the poem less relateable to other people, and so you might as well leave baby. yes, i'll admit sometimes it is tedious to read, but most of the time it doesn't bother me. perhaps you should just learn to ration your babys lol =)

okay now after the baby rant...i liked this. yes yes spelling errors and whatnot aside, you can feel the emotion behind this, and that is what makes good real emotional poetry. thanks for sharing (hope ya feel better, i get the whole boys suck thing too :-p)

berg

At least we're still friends! At least we're still alive!--Alkaline Trio

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

4 posted 2005-05-13 09:00 PM

I'll have you know that 30 something's call their husbands and wives 'baby' a lot too...*grins* it's always ok as far as I'm concerned...it really doesn't change all that much

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