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| Teen Poetry #7 |
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lost |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Lost, confused, looking around for a ray of light Don’t know where to turn, hope is out of sight For my paths are crossed, twisted in the unknown Not sure what to do,,life has really brought it home Made me understand, that no, I can’t do this, anymore Not so long ago , my life fell apart, my heart just tore In pieces, broken in little bits, I couldn’t handle, being Life ,put right, couldn’t deal, with looking without seeing I didn’t see how wrong, it was going, shock When I realized, in my mind my past unlock How badly I had done , the mistakes I had made Now don’t know , don’t want to go back,memories fade Ill forget what I did then, I won’t remember Will it keep going on? repeating my life forever? I do not how to keep my self from going back Unleashing hurt, pain on those I love, sad That I once went that far just to make a point, convince them Proving them different saying they were wrong, so I could condemn My friends for what I didn’t tell them , what I on purpose chose to hide So they would never figure out , know truly how I felt on the inside. [This message has been edited by rhia_5779 (06-27-2006 08:56 PM).] |
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
rhia, I liked this poem but I do have some suggestions. "Lost, confused, looking around for a ray of light Don?t know where to turn, hope is out of sight For my paths are crossed, twisted in the unknown Not sure what to do,,life has really brought it home" ..this first stanza was amazing. I can't think of anything you should really change. The last two lines here were really good. Especially this part "life has really brought it home" that was very creative... "Made me understand, that no, I can?t do this, anymore Not so long ago , my life fell apart, my heart just tore In pieces, broken in little bits, I couldn?t handle, being Life ,put right, couldn?t deal, with looking without seeing" ...ok.. I liked this stanza but it seems to me that the last line is a little off.. it confused me. This part "coulnd't deal, with looking without seeing" it didn't flow right to me.. I'm not sure exactly what you meant by that line so I don't know how to tell you to reword it... but I liked the idea here. "I didn?t see how wrong, it was going, shock When I realized, in my mind my past unlock How badly I had done , the mistakes I had made Now don?t know , don?t want to go back,memories fade Ill forget what I did then, I won?t remember Will it keep going on? repeating my life forever? I do not how to keep my self from going back Unleashing hurt, pain on those I love, sad" ...The middle part here kind of confused me also. I didn't really catch what you were trying to say at first. And like the second stanza the wording was different so maybe it's just me. I do believe that to make this like the rest of the poem that you should take this one stanza and split it into two 4-lined stanzas like the first two... just a suggestion... "That I once went that far just to make a point, convince them Proving them different saying they were wrong, so I could condemn My friends for what I didn?t tell them , what I on purpose chose to hide So they would never figure out , know truly how I felt on the inside." ...the last stanza I actually understood. It was really good. I do believe that like the third stanza it would be better if split into two 4-lined stanzas.. This was a great poem though.. very creative with words great job.. I hope to hear more. ~Heather~ Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Sorry about the stanza thing i will fix it. i meant it to be two differnt stanza's i think i may have just typed it wrong. sorry. glad you liked it. it was a in the moment poem. i have alot of going on right now, and i was in a not so great mood. and i sat down with a blank document, and the poem just came |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
i fixed it. |
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John O'Driscoll Junior Member
since 2006-03-13
Posts 43Sandy, Utah |
OMG i love when that happens. You just sit down and all of a sudden youve written a poem. Of course, i wish my spur-of-the-moment poems came out that good. I loved it!! Love Always John True happiness is found after you think you have irretrievably lost it |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hey Rhia, Interesting poem you’ve got here, I like it though… The first stanza as Heather said was simply amazing, I think the only thing I would change would be probably to put something in the first like signifying who you are talking about. I don’t know if that really matters but for me that kind of … brings the poem together on who this will be about? I know later on in the stanza you say, “For my paths are crossed” and that tells us it is about you. Yet I feel like there should be something before that or even there are places I feel like you need to add an “I” or something to make it sound better, no offence… Also, I’m not sure what I think of all the stanzas, who knows this poem might’ve been made to read like this but I feel like at some points it is to choppy, like there are to many breaks or breaks where there shouldn’t be breaks? Does that make sense? I hope so, cause I don’t know, it feels like you are about to start reading a really good sentence when you screech to a stop because there is a comma! That could just be me once again though, I’ve got odd ideas about what I like in poetry… I did like the choppy reading in some of this though it added a lot to the poem in certain places to have it like that. Other than that Heather mentioned a lot of stuff I would’ve so I’m just going to leave it as is… “I didn’t see how wrong, it was going, shock When I realized, in my mind my past unlock How badly I had done, the mistakes I had made Now don’t know, don’t want to go back, memories fade” I loved this stanza, well truth be told I loved all the stanzas, but this one was a particular favorite of mine. Mostly, I believe, because I can relate to what you are saying in it, I can relate to not being able to see how downhill things are going and than experiencing that shock. It’s like a zap from a lightening bolt! I enjoyed the way you worded this stanza, the commas like I said before added to this one in lots of ways… Great job on the whole poem though, I loved it, and I’m sorry that my comment isn’t that helpful. I’ll be looking forward to reading more poems by you though!  Uhh... This is the one you wanted me to comment on, right? @-->--- |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
yeah this is it, ill take a look at the flow and i might take out commas or add an I or me in there. thanks for the advise |
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