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Teen Poetry #7
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crave you
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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crave you |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
the bitter taste of your cheap cigarettes lingers on my numb tongue. no amount of licking the roof of my mouth and spitting onto your floor will erase the two drags i snuck in a moment of complete weakness. i still don't understand why i ever wanted to kiss someone who tastes this badly, but oh how the buzz of you makes me feel dizzy and complete. in reality... i know you are my cancer -bergundy yeah i don't really know where i was going with this, symbolism isn't really my friend :-p. does the ending suck? i'm debating..honesty would be awesome. thanks! At least we're still friends! At least we're still alive!--Alkaline Trio |
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| © Copyright 2005 bergundy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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PoeTik JusTice Member
since 2003-01-05
Posts 186California, USA |
I think if you are going for a dramatic ending, the last line definitely does it for you. Kind of just hits you. The only thing I thought was it was just a little dry. Thats about it! Nice write!  XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo *~Serena~* "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return." --Moulin Rouge |
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electricxheart Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 184far away from home. |
Ohh, I really love love love the whole idea of this poem. The ending fits well. It was kind of a punch in the stomach, really emphasizes the emotions you were trying to get across. Awesome. -Kelly You play the song I know. |
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Italy Angel Member
since 2003-09-01
Posts 65Northern Ca |
I love the opening. I think the ending is a bit cliche. You should work a bit on that and I'd say that you you had a gem. I really like your style. |
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aussie teen Member
since 2003-09-27
Posts 396Australia |
this is a really great piece.... you get across so many emotions in this.... poetic justice was right about it being a little bit dry but i think it suits what you were saying... well written and i want to see more from you Ruth live life as if your going to die tomorow....... but love as if your going to live forever...... |
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