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tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

0 posted 2005-04-10 11:59 PM

well just tell me what u think on this one i havent been able to write lately.

My first kiss,
my first heartbreak,
both experienced on this dirt road.

Here I am standing at the end;
watching your tailgate start to disappear within the clouds of dust.

I know I shouldn't have done it baby.
but that I can't take back.

You know I love you baby.
but you won't believe me again.

I know I shouldn't have drank baby.
but I kissed him and that was dumb.

You know I don't like him baby.
but I danced with him too.

Your tailgate is getting further baby please just turn around and come back.

I'm sorry baby. I shouldn't have went to that party.
Please forgive me baby. I just couldn't tell you myself.

-hold on to the one you love

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

1 posted 2005-04-11 03:35 AM

i was annoyed at your usage of baby at first but, if you fix it in the last bit so that it is inline with the other instances it would be quite cool.

a bit like a hokey country song but nice.

you know, if you can't write try this: write a poem about the next thing you touch. pinsky (google the name if you don't know it) uses it. if its good enough for him, tis good enough for the like of you and me.

-majnu
--------------------------------------
Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet.

PoeTik JusTice
Member

since 2003-01-05

Posts 186
California, USA

2 posted 2005-04-11 06:53 AM

You could definitely make this into a song! I think you could have expressed your feelings a bit more creatively, but I'm glad to see you were able to express them clearly! It made me definitely feel for you! Keep writing!

XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo
*~Serena~*
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return." --Moulin Rouge

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

3 posted 2005-04-11 05:01 PM

yeah i agree with majnu, the baby is kind of redundant...i think it'd be cool to leave a few in though...maybe like two at the most. other then that this poem was really expressive and interesting, kind of blunt too.

bergundy

At least we're still friends! At least we're still alive!--Alkaline Trio

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

4 posted 2005-04-11 06:00 PM

wow thanks i wasnt really expecting this many replies to this one i just wrote it and was going thro a bit of a hangover at the time... thanks for your input tho...
laura