A Sweet Wish And A Quiet Wish

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Teen Poetry #7

A Sweet Wish And A Quiet Wish

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2005-01-23 06:02 PM

A Sweet Wish Ans A Quiet Wish

Give me a slight wish,
A boring kiss,
The coldest
hit.
Bestow the night cry,
An adoring sigh,
The oldest
lie.

All that cinnamon clogs the air
and burns my nostrils.
The medication slows the pain
burning, burning...

[This message has been edited by young_blood (01-23-2005 07:08 PM).]

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

1 posted 2005-01-23 06:21 PM

.
I like the first stanza.
I do not like the second stanza.
The first has a rythm and a flow
that is pungent and meaningful.
The second has no real thought
in how it sounds
how it works
or what it means.

The ending is too boring.
Spice it up
like that cinnamon trick.

It's good but it needs...
pizazz.

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

2 posted 2005-01-23 07:08 PM

hmmm...apperently you did not catch the connections between the two parts. the whole thing is about what a lie getting high is. the first part describes the appeal. the second part describes the affects of getting high. for example, acute senses. often times people cover up the scent with some type of smell, i.e. the cinnamon. now, some may see this as nearly endorsing getting high, but thats where the lie part comes in. anyway, forgive my obscurity.

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

3 posted 2005-01-23 07:08 PM

I agree it needs more towards the end. it starts out real short and choppy but ends up longer verses...

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

4 posted 2005-01-23 08:32 PM

haha, ok i guess i was going for a contrast between the verses. i wanted people to ponder the words a bit.

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

5 posted 2005-01-23 09:24 PM

well if that is what you were going for it worked as i do reading each of your posts... but i like that about it.

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

6 posted 2005-01-23 10:11 PM

a fun lie to believe.
well portrayed.

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

7 posted 2005-01-24 12:25 PM

thank you both

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