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Teen Poetry #7
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Untitled (suggestions welcome!)
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Untitled (suggestions welcome!) |
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*Alli4000*
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188The World of Poetry 
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Here's my new poem! Please bear with me...I know it sucks but it's the best I could do! (I still have writer's block). Please tell me the honest truth about what you think about it. Also if you can, please suggest a title. Thanks and enjoy.  ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* I’m sitting here…bored. Wondering – Why I don’t go out and play. Enjoyed the sunlight, the flowers, Enjoy this brand new day. Instead I lay here on my bed, Doing nothing but writing poems. Thoughts are running through my head, And I feel so very alone. Why can’t it be cloudy? To be gloomy like I feel. That way I won’t hurt as bad. And the pain can’t seem as real. I wish that it were raining, To wash away the hate. To erase all my emotions, So I can start with a clean slate. Happy Holidays! [This message has been edited by *Alli4000* (12-24-2004 02:13 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2004 *Alli4000* - All Rights Reserved | |||
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~DreamChild~ Senior Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 544in your dreams |
very nice Alli. |
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Don_Juan Member
since 2004-04-08
Posts 252Far from where I am going |
Well i must say that this was a pretty good poem. (It's really hard to tell that you have writers block.) I would suggest "Clean Slate" as a title or maybe "Bedroom Rain Storms." (by the way a good antidote for the poison that is writers block would be a stream of consciousness poem where you write down whatever you think. It helps me at least.) Thank you for a great read. Happy Holidays -John nice use of muffin |
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WranglrButts9 Member
since 2004-10-24
Posts 108Iowa, US |
This is awesome Alli, no matter what you thinK! I LOVED the last stanza/ending. Thats my fav. part (NOT b.c its the end, but how you wrote it!)... good job! Bailey Good judgment comes from experience, |
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*Alli4000*
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188The World of Poetry |
Derrick: Thank ya for always taking the time to read and reply!  John: Thank you so much for the title suggesitons! I like Bedroom Rain Storms (yes bailey i'll give u credit too. she helped me decide.  )Bailey: OMG! You know me too well! (with the whole not because its the end thing). LMAO!! omg. ok. Everyone who reads this go reply to this poem by Bailey!  Everyone thanks again for the replies! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! ~Alli~ Happy Holidays! |
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Sweetpoet16m4u04 Member
since 2002-11-10
Posts 153Ma, U.S.A |
Alli sweetheart with you in my arms you will never have to feel any pain!! I love you forever and ever beautiful!! |
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tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent |
well # 1. you (chris) need to make sure you have enough room in ur arms for both alli and i... and alli i like bedroom rain storms also... Laura |
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EvocativeVerse2 Senior Member
since 2003-09-10
Posts 1279 |
Hi Alli...thought I would pop in and peek at your stuff. I don't come in here normally because it feels like a private (teenagers only) club. LOL! Anyway speaking from experience I pull 99% of all titles for poems from a line within the poem itself. A lot of famous poets have always done so. My suggestion using this as a guidline would be...I Wish That It Were Raining. By the way...I love this piece dear friend. You have a great talent there. Remember, if you're not part of the future, you're history! |
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OtherSideOfTheMirror Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245 |
Okay well. I haven't been here as much recently, so I'm not that used to reading teen writing yet. That said... Honestly, I wasn't that impressed with the words themeselves...the language wasn't that complex, and it wasn't that expressive. I understand it was kind of a boredom-induced writing and that's great. And I mean it's not bad. But it's not intriguing or thought-provoking. The clean-slate part is good and a lot of the mood-matching between the weather is good, but you could go further with the metaphor. However, I'm not trying to be harsh, I've read your other stuff and its not bad. You have a unique style of telling it like it is and I like that. Keep writing and find a bigger meaning to what your thinking about or whats "running through your head". smile. |
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HopelessRomanticGuy Member
since 2001-08-17
Posts 495LI, New York |
I agree with 'vocative's idea. Though not always one to go with that style of title-writing, I can vouch for the accuracy of the titles it produces. And there's nothing wrong with boredom poems - my book is filled with many - when you have writers block. Though in my experience, writer's block just means I'm not feeling strongly enough about any one thing. For most of my poems are just that: an out-pouring of whatever I'm feeling (and what I'm feeling about) at the moment I pick up the pen. Sometimes life is just devoid of things that evoke strong emotional responses, but often our emotions are just spread over several things, and so the poetry that results dosen't fit it all - it couldn''t possibly do so! - and it serves only to frustrate us. I'm willing to bet that you've written a great many things, either finished or un-finished, but feel they're not good enough to share. If so, try posting them anyway, you might be surprised at who they might touch. I know I have been. Rich Winamp Is Playing: "7 AM" Dirty Vegas "I am a part of the world that I hate/I wish the end would come faster, my world's a distaster," - Crossfade "Starless" |
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tapper798 Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 353My own world |
Wow, U have writers block? no way lol No i really wouldn't have been able to tell that, this was a great poem. I especially loved this one stanza I wish that it were raining, To wash away the hate. To erase all my emotions, So I can start with a clean slate. It reminded me of one of my favorite songs "Hate every beautiful day" by Sugarcult...haha randomness but anyways, awesome write!!! I'm horrible with titles tho! Erin AIM-blueyed angel940 |
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A.L Member
since 2003-03-15
Posts 131 |
Hey allison...Another alison haha I had a bit of writers block too, but I managed to think something up... This is nice, sometimes I feel that way too. Keep on writing! -Alison I see me frowning in your eyes... |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Ali, the main reason to write is for ourself and if others read it fine, if not, that is fine too. We all get writer's block, and the only passage out of there is to write your way out. As a matter of fact, I enjoyed this poem, and had to laugh when I remembered myself in the same position many a time on my bed. Keep writing, and sometimes you will be surprised and get a beautiful rose in the thorns. As for a title, "Alilone?" Just kidding - get it?" |
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*Alli4000*
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188The World of Poetry |
Chris: Luv u too!  Laura: Thanks for the reply. Kevin: Well I didn't really consult with the rest of the club, but because I'm the most important person, I decided you're welcome in here anytime! Thank you very much for the reply and encouragement. OtherSideofMirror: Well to reply to your think about not being complex, there is a user at pip, passingshadows, and in her critique message she says, "I don't care much for the technical aspect of poetry. I write from my emotions, plain and simple...no cryptic messages". That's exactly how I am and how i feel. (hope you don't mind dixie for borrowing your message. ) |
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*Alli4000*
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188The World of Poetry |
Rich: "For most of my poems are just that: an out-pouring of whatever I'm feeling (and what I'm feeling about) at the moment I pick up the pen." That's exactly how it is for me! Thanks you so much for the nice reply! Erin: Lol! I love that song too! Thank you for reading and replying!Alison: Yup, one day the Allisons (alisons too) WILL rule pip! Thank for the reply...appreciate it so much!Sharon: Such wise words...thank you.  And I absolutely love that title! So original! Thanks again everyone!! |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Alli, Can't say I strive for complexity as a standard. But when you're looking inside your heart to express your emotions it does allow you to process feelings you might otherwise try to ignore. So, I admire your courage and honesty. The writing was pretty good too.  And I'll ditto Sharon just 'cause I know she's a smart old lady. If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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