untitled- any suggestion ????????

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Teen Poetry #7

untitled- any suggestion ????????

red_angel*16
Member

since 2004-09-04

Posts 71

0 posted 2004-12-02 05:32 AM

I know someone who thinks of you
mostly every single day

I know someone who loves
you more than you ever know,

i know someone who stares at you ever single minute
but when you look she turns away

i know someone who wants to tell you
something really bad,
she wants to tell you how she feels about you
but she's afraid of getting hurt
and to say whats deep within her soul

if your wondering how i know all of this
well if you gotta know that someone is me........

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2004-12-02 10:44 AM

I would title it 'someone'
I liked the emotions in this...know that longing very well

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

2 posted 2004-12-02 10:40 PM

I like Sea's suggestion for the title. As for the poem, I can relate sooo much. It's going straight to my library!

~Alli~

*:.AIM = Alli4000.:*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened...

tapper798
Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 353
My own world

3 posted 2004-12-04 01:01 PM

I like the title suggestion "Someone" too, it fits!
Ok only one suggestion cause I loved this, just one part stuck out to me.

i know someone who wants to tell you
something really bad

I think that the rest of the poem is great but "something really bad" sounds..idk out of place, maybe alittle too childish. Try putting something other than really bad in there to make it flow and relate better to the poem. Other than that I really like this! I could relate sooo well! Great job!;-)

Love is giving him the ability to break your heart...but trusting him enough to know he won't.

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