two dozen bloody romances (incomplete)

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smalltownmind
Junior Member

since 2003-10-24

Posts 21

0 posted 2004-11-28 08:55 AM

long ... LONG time since i've posted... anyway i'm workin on some new stuff (even though the band has crumbled)...so here's the start of something new.

two dozen roses
eighteen candels
two people
one night
i want to stay all night...

four lips and
seven minutes
this could take
all night
let's just stay all night...

1.
it's you and me
or is it you and i
here again
alone tonight
run away
don't look back
never leave it
in the past...

but everytime i apologize
you may as well just slit my throat
because i can't breathe when i see
that hint of hate on your face

(pause)

two hundred days
four real dates
and one big
waste of time
let's just say goodnight.

one more night
to get it right
the sun is
almost up...
and i won't say goodbye...

as the sun comes up
you steal the covers
the night was only
meant for lovers
but love died about
two months ago

and i slowly die
in my freezing bed of dusk
but i won't say goodbye

still needs some work ... but with the right music and a magical touch ... it makes for a descent song.

"if you want me back...you're gonna have to ask."

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2004-11-28 04:03 PM

I like the way you write, but in this one? Too many numbers I think...if you described it a bit differently, it might flow better

at least for me LOL but the main thoughts here are good

Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member

since 2002-05-22

Posts 1667
New York

2 posted 2004-11-29 12:52 PM

I hear voices, lol, this write tells the story well. I had a sort of tune with voices playing in my head as I read this, oyu know put it in song form and see the beauty of it all.

smalltownmind
Junior Member

since 2003-10-24

Posts 21

3 posted 2004-11-29 04:31 PM

thanks for the comments...but too many nbrs?? that's kind of the essense of the song... the play on words so to speak... i dunno ... all of the numbers in there have meaning to my experience that i have written into this so ... thanks much for the comments though keep em coming

"if you want me back...you're gonna have to ask."

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

4 posted 2004-11-29 07:20 PM

smalltownmind, I think this'll make a great song!

~Alli~

*:.AIM = Alli4000.:*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened...

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

5 posted 2004-11-29 11:41 PM

maybe I just need to "hear" it? If the numbers are key to it, then of course it should remain as is...

it was just my thoughts was all.

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